When I was a little girl, I had very few toys...and when I got into trouble those toys were taken away and destroyed...I managed to keep my Chrissy doll, because I would hide her in my mothers boots...same thing with pets...I had a puppy, which was killed, I had a rabbit, which was killed, and I had a duck, which was killed, right before my eyes...and they were not accidents...they were deliberate acts...murder
Here in Virginia, I now have my own space...I don't share with anyone, I live alone. I can do whatever I want, when I want...I can play, I can let Ally play without being discovered by other people. And she loves to play.
My friend, made a dollhouse for my Chrissy dolls. It is set up in my bedroom, there are two rooms, furniture, clothes etc...this is where Ally plays when she is fronting...the two dolls are representative of "me and my sister"....alot of her play is motivated by her experience. In the beginning Chrissy was very mean to Dina (my dolls), she would punish her by making her stay in bed, while Chrissy gets to play...She relives memories in her playtime.
Over time, my advocate has been working with Ally to be more "nice" to Dina, to be a good mama and not "portray" the mother she really had....Ally is getting better, she is learning that my apartment is her safe place and nobody is going to take away her dolls and toys...
But Ally has another safe place to play. At the advocates house. He set up a Barbie doll house, bought her barbies, clothes, built her furniture and gave her her own room to play. Leaving the dollhouse up all the time. When Ally fronts at his house, she plays with the barbies as if she is at her uncles house. She has horses, and lots of barbies, and baby barbies...the house is full of people, laughing, and living...I believe this play is based on the few happy times when she was away from her mother and fuckwad stepdad, and was with her bio-dad. He had a big loving family.....and when she plays with the Barbie dolls, she is recreating a happy time...
I do not know when she is playing...sometimes I get so tired and I lay down to take a nap...when I wake up from my nap, alot of times I will see that she has been playing, while I was "sleeping"....and if asked where Sparrow is, she will respond "sleeping or taking a nap". My advocate has filmed her, and interacted with her when she fronts...she trusts him and calls him "daddy".
I believe that Ally and I integrate the most, out of all the other alters....Ally is a 6 yr old girl. However, she wanted to be 9. Because when I was 9, my mother left that fucking monster of a husband and I was then safe from him and his abuse...so Ally wanted to be 9, because then she knew she would be safe....but her mind is only like 6 yrs old...my advocate knew she needed to feel safe, so he gave her a birthday party. Cake with 9 candles, cards, presents etc...and Ally became 9 yrs old...the nightmares stopped, she fronts and plays more, she does not look over her shoulder and is not fearful anymore...My advocate picked August 14, as her birthday, as we do not know when she was created, the date.
She acts 6, but will tell you she is 9.. haha
With Ally, I am able to finally be the little girl that can play, that is normal, and is not afraid all the time...she is finally getting to be a kid.
S
<3
ReplyDelete