2 yrs

I have now been living in Virginia 2 yrs.  And in that time I have had 2 visitors.  Both friends, one lives in North Carolina and one lives in Washington state.  Both traveled far to visit me.  Not one member of my family has visited.  (My son moved me up here, he drove the U Haul) but he is the only one who has seen where I live.
The rest can't be bothered.

I visited my brothers in South Carolina, but they have not visited me in Virginia, nor have they even bothered to call me.  I flew to Boston to see my sister, yet she has not come to see me...

I have not spoken to my mother in over 2 and half years (save for the few words we spoke when Gage was dying)...she has never picked up the phone to call, never texted, and refuses to talk to me when I am talking with my dad (stepdad).  My dad called about once a week the first 6 mos I was gone, now I never hear from him either.  

I am a fucking orphan....I am tired of making the effort to see them, to stay in contact with them...they OBVIOUSLY don't give a rats ass about me, so why should I give a rats ass about them???

The way my family treats me I might as well be locked up in prison somewhere...no phone calls, no visitors, no packages or mail, nothing.....I wish I could just say "fuck em" and be done with them, but I can't....deep inside I love them, miss them, and think about them all the time.  But knowing they don't miss me, love me or think about me, is heartbreaking.

I realize everyone has their own lives and responsibilities, but really is it so hard and time consuming to drop a note or a quick call "hello, how are you, miss you, etc..."  even my friends do that...

I guess family is not friends.   My cousins traveled to South Carolina to see my brothers, did they come to see me??? NO, will they make a trip to see me? NO...but they will travel, go on cruises etc....

When will I finally get it in my thick stupid head that I don't matter to the Troutmans, the Trammells or any other family?  I do have one cousin that texts and keeps up with me, but she is the family black sheep too...just like me.

But what is funny, when I was living in Oklahoma, my mother never called, never came to visit unless the grandsons were with me.  My cousins never visited me,  nor my brothers...and when i saw my sister, it was because she flew down for a specific event...not just to see me.  I was just as lonely there in Oklahoma as I am here in Virginia.   WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD I EXPECT ANY DIFFERENT BEHAVIOR???

I didn't matter there, and I don't matter here.   If I were to die, they would never know unless they were told...

I also know that I am not the first kid who had a fucked family....but I did, and it hurts and I don't fucking care that I am not alone in abuse and neglect....but it fucking hurts all the same....

I have always been:
                                  Not good enough
                                  not smart enough
                                  not pretty enough
                                  not popular enough
                                  not talented enough
                                  not worth enough
                                  not important enough
                                  
why should I expect them (family) to change now and come see me, contact me, let me know they haven't forgotten about me?  I am just whining and feeling sorry for myself....I am being exactly what they expect me to be....a fucking ingrate who thinks only of herself and spreads outlandish stories about her childhood...I need to learn to shut my mouth, stuff the bad shit...and move on.......

I need to accept that they will not change, they will never love me as a daughter/sister/mother/grandma...they will never believe me...
they will always feel superior to me...they will always be important and me a waste of time.....I love how they can so easily write me off......erase me......forget me......unlove me.......if only I could return the favor.....

But I cannot unlove them...I cannot forget them....I cannot erase them....I cannot write them off.....my heart screams for them to accept and love me....doesn't their hearts scream????

I am getting really angry writing this....I feel the need to clench my fist and rage against them....I want to hit something so the sting of their rejection refocuses my attention...I want to prove that I am worthy, I am a human....I matter......but do I?

Do I really matter??  My friend says I matter greatly to him, but he had a life before me and he will continue to have a life without me...he has people who love him...he has legions of women who love and worship him.....I am just in his line of girls....if I was gone, another woman would step up and grab him....he will never be alone, he will always be loved....he matters.

she dont matter....she is trash...she is throw away dirt...she is nothing.....she could leave go far away and nobody would know or care....nobody would come looking for her....she is dog shit