Worse than worse

There is absolutely nobody who is harder on me than myself.    I am my own worst critic.  I am my own worst enemy.
I am never:
   smart enough
   brave enough
   rich enough
   pretty enough
   worthy enough

If someone goes through a horrible life situation, someone who has nothing to do with me, I feel guilty.  It should have been me, not them....I deserve disease, poverty, abuse, death, hardship....not them.

I feel guilty for surviving.  Why should I survive "unscathed" for the most part.   I destroyed everything, and yet walked away....my childhood was destroyed, yet I lived into adulthood...

I fucking feel guilty for being alive.  Why me?

I fucking hate the way I hate myself.   But I can't stop.  I get so fearful of rejection,  that I push people away....If someone gets to close, it frightens me.   

I do not have the ability to accept "unconditional love".  "conditional" yes...but to love just to love...I can't put my head around that.  

When my depression is here I feel even worse....I almost can't breathe...I want to stop living...

I will never be good enough for myself...
I will never look good enough for myself..
I will never think good enough for myself.
I will never feel good enough about myself
I will never be able to accept positive affirmations made to me or about me...
I will never be able to look in a mirror and think "I love me"....

My head does not think like "normal" people, obviously.
I share my mind with two other persons...we are constantly at odds with eachother...
I am always mentally exhausted...imagine how others must feel after a few days with me...or us, I guess I should say.

I hear "snap out of it",  "write down positve things",  "get over it" , and I know that others have it way worse than me and I should be thankful....but too me, I am the worse...the worse of the worse....

this is my brain...this is my life....the worse because its mental..its split...I have no identity to call my own....