phrases of thoughts/ keeping alters happy

I smile away my sins,
forgive my foes,
and die within.....


Everything I think I see,
is not actually real,
at least to me......

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My dreams are trying to talk to me....is it an alter trying to tell me something, or is it my conscious?   

I dreamed last night, that everyone was wanting to tie me up, literally get a rope and tie me up.   AND NOT IN A FUN WAY they were serious.

I was so scared, petrified.  Not of the rope and being tied up, but of the way the people were treating me.  Like an animal.  A wild animal, out of control.....

Am I out of control?   More and more alters are appearing...when I thought I had one, has now grown to 5.....and there are probably more.....My mind is out of control, how do I tie up my brain to keep the alters in place???  I WILL NOT DO MEDICATIONS

I have to learn to integrate them into my life.  Make allowances and concessions in my own body to accommodate and make them happy.   

Inside my head...I can start to feel edgy, emotional, angry, sad, irritated, whatever and I never know why....Why am I feeling this way?  No fucking reason to be upset...I am going nuts!!!  I am finding out, that my alters have emotions also, and when they are upset about something, it gets me, Sparrow, feeling upset, only I don't know why.....

For example:   My friend keeps a Barbie Doll house and barbies at his place for Ally to play with.  They are always out, he never puts them away.   One day, him and I, Sparrow,  boxed them up and put them away because his young son was coming for a visit...
All day, even though me, Sparrow, knew why they were put up and was perfectly fine with it...I was feeling sad, afraid, confused, upset and I couldn't figure out why.....I finally said something to my friend about how I was feeling.   So, he sat me down and asked "Ally" to come out and see if "she" was sad....

My little, Ally, was so upset.  She thought that she had been a bad girl and all her toys were taken from her.  (just like when I was a very small child, my toys were taken from me and destroyed or thrown away, routinely ...) my friend explained to Ally, why they were put up.  And then he assured her they would be put back out once his son left.  Ally was happy again.   After Ally left, and Sparrow was back, I was not sad, or emotional at all.   I was good. The rest of the day was fine.

This is, I believe, integrating...making sure everyone understands and is agreement.   When my alters are happy or content or whatever, then my emotions are good, calm, etc..

As I learn of my new alters, learn about them..the why's as to why they are here, learn their personalities, likes and dislikes etc...I can learn to appease them in my "normal" like, make allowances in choices and words, clothing, music, food and shit like that, so they do not become upset and in turn "make me upset in my day"...
This process is so hard...but my friend is helping me in a way no fucking Shrink could ever.   

I cannot spend hours upon hours forming a trust and friendship with a doctor I see once a week for an hour.   My alters have to "trust" a person completely to front for them.   I have to love, trust and be able to share my life, 24/7 with someone before the others will front.   When I saw a shrink before,  they just put me on tons of drugs, this did not help at all, it only put the "others" down, put them in a coma, basically and made me a zombie, yet socially normal.   FUCK THAT.  I DO NOT DO DRUGS ANYMORE.
with doctors and counselors, therapists, I feel more like a side show attraction, than a patient/person.   My alters will not perform for an audience.  PERIOD... nor do I want to be the subject of some fuck shrinks medical paper they are writing....NOPE, not me, not us.