own worst enemy

I cannot figure out why I can so easily blow up.   I do not have a fuse...I go from flame to explosion simultaneously....I hate that I do this...I want to stop....but it keeps happening...

When I "lose" it, it can be for fucking anything, " a door didn't shut right", or "couldn't figure something out", or "can't find something"...stupid mundane shit like that, and I can go ballistic.
Other times, those exact situations and I am calm and serene. I am a ticking time-bomb..

I am not by-polar.   I have been told I have some kind of syndrome from the head injury that can cause sudden outburst that are inappropriate for the given situation.  

When I blow, I can feel it coming, and I can't stop it.  I literally leave my body and watch myself go crazy.   And in the midst of the craziness, I am in my head thinking "stop" "you are being stupid or ridiculous"..but I can't stop.  I have to rage, until I am spent.  
Usually I don't stop until I have injured myself.  I have cracked bones, given myself horrible bruises from hitting my arms against a door or cabinet top or anything handy.  I have cut myself , written horrible words in sharpie all over my body,  its the self inflicted actual physical pain that snaps me back to reality.

My latest, using a knife to cut the word "stupid" onto my arm, so I can see it...as a constant reminder...why?????

When my bizarre episode is over, the sadness and guilt I feel over words said, or damage done, is overwhelming.   I free fall into depression.....then the words "useless" "exhausting" "stupid" flood my mind...and my guilt becomes worse to the point that I punish myself for my own stupid behavior.   I will isolate myself...I will write and say mean things about myself....I will deny myself happiness...I will push away the very people I need to be embracing...I try to run from  love and forgiveness....I don't deserve forgiveness...I don't deserve to be touched, hugged, kissed...I deserve to be abandoned and sent to my room.......forever.....

I say "I am sorry" over and over, yet I cannot stop...I really am sorry, so sad and ashamed of my behavior, I want to stop...and I do, for awhile until I don't....and the cycle begins again.

My sister once told me that every morning when she looks in the mirror she says to herself..."hello beautiful"...

She is so confident in  herself.  She loves herself.  She is happy with her life, her looks, her job...she is able to blow off things that are uncomfortable.  She does not beat herself up for anything....How can we be sisters yet so different.  How could she have survived our childhood, unscathed?  Was all the horrible only saved for me??  I hate her and love her at the same time.   I am jealous of her...she is so happy all the fucking time...at least what I see or perceive...

I tried the looking in the mirror and telling myself "hello beautiful" a couple of times...it only left me feeling nauseous and like a hypocrite.

I do know one thing.  I am harder on myself, than my mother, fuck step dad,  and anybody else ever thought to be...I am my own worst enemy, my punisher.   I am my own destroyer.