Airplane crash

I have always had night terrors and horrible vivid nightmares....my entire life....one that was recurring was a dream of an airplane slamming to the ground, exploding and me running to try and help, but never quite being able to get to the downed plane....

If I was in a building or outside and an airplane passed above me but was really close to me, flying low, I would close my eyes, hold my breath and wait for it to crash.....

I did not fly in airplanes at all until a few months ago, when I had no choice....(My grandsons funeral)...

My mom use to say I "had the most wild imagination",  growing up when I would say I saw a plane crash, she would just throw her hands up and say "there is that imagination again, you tell the tallest tales..."  I would have other memories of my childhood, and my mom would discount ALL OF THEM....

If you read my blog, I write about those memories, and slowly each one of those memories are turning out to be in fact, true.

Photo archives from Grand Prairie Newspaper July 9, 1968 

I have a memory of a plane crashing, slamming into a house by ours next to a field...I remember a loud screaming engine sound,  the ground shuddering then a huge explosion....I remember running to the fence, climbing up the fence and staring at the carnage....I remember seeing the tail of the plane sticking straight up in the air, I remember my mom yelling at me and pulling me off the fence and into the house, I remember the phone ringing...I remember hearing the pilot ejected,  a huge fire started, and chaos....my mom said that never happened, that it is just part of my "tall tales"...

Yesterday, I was driving over an overpass, next to a airport runway, and a plane perfectly timed, flew over me to the runway....the plane was so close to my car, so loud, I totally freaked out.....next thing I knew I was miles away driving, with no fucking ideal what happened....I blacked out...

That night I was telling my friend about the experience and how I swear I saw a plane crash as a kid...I told him the few things I remembered which I mentioned above....So, my friend literally researched the area and approximate time year etc...Come to find out, in 1968 LTV Airport was in Grand Prairie texas.  They made certain types of jets...in 1968 one crashed in a neighborhood, my neighborhood (I would have been 6 yrs old, exactly my age at the time)..the pics archived, showed the tail sticking way up in the air, and the plane in a house and fire and smoke. The plane was a F-8 Crusader.(military aircraft)....FACTUAL EVENT...NOT MY WILD IMAGINATION....happened July 6, 1968, Saturday...I was playing in my backyard on that hot summer Texas day...

again my memories, childhood memories, are being proved as fact...can you imagine a six year old little girl, seeing a plane crash?  that has haunted my dreams for years, it has kept me from being able to fly comfortably...it again shows my mother refused to acknowledge my memory....by the way, the pilot who ejected, died...

When I lived in Oklahoma, the day of the Oklahoma City federal building bombing, I was standing in my yard...the explosion shook the ground...I lived 15 miles away from the blast....I was convinced an airplane had crashed......turned out to be a fertilizer bomb...but after that incident, the bombing, my plane crash dreams started back up with a vengeance...confusing me and haunting me....

I have so many fears, so many insecurities, so much lost time,  so many fuck horrible issues I have to work on, acknowledge, accept, then move on from....I cannot walk across a high bridge, nor drive across one, my skin crawls when I am a passenger in a car going over one, I usually cover my eyes and ears until we are over the bridge....WHY???  I don't know.....is there something in my memory stored away about a bridge and falling off a bridge, or driving off a bridge or a bridge collapsing?   I just fucking don't know, but the creepiness I feel is the same as the plane crashing, when I see bunny's,  fog, etc...and all those memory and feelings and fears have come to fruition.....I am petrified to have another fuck reality tragedy incident to have to come to terms with...

When will it end???

PS...since this was written, I had another memory about this.  I stated above that I climbed up on the fence to look at the plane, and my mother was yelling at me and pulled me off the fence and back into the house....it was not my mother after all, it was a spanish neighbor lady who came and got me....we went into a house mine or hers I don't remember...but my mom and brother were not at the house and I don't remember my sister being around...