A name

Trying to get myself out of depression.

-slept 10 hours
-cleaned out rats cage
-took dog for walk to park
-watched a funny movie
-ate a healthy dinner
-cleaned and vacuumed apartment
-did shopping for a friend
-cleaned up said friends' apartment
-smiled at strangers
-fed the birds and squirrels
-did some writing
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I really do not like being in depression mode....even though I do everything I can to combat this fuck illness, it lingers.

This morning, I got out of bed, got my coffee and flipped on the computer.   I thought I was going to have a good day, maybe the depression was starting to slide, then I saw it.  A "name" on my timeline.  One lousy fucking name of a person that I perceive as a constant threat to my life.   Seeing the name,  gave me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, seeing the name brought back memories I want to forget, seeing the name reminds me of my "crime" of stealing someone that was not mine to begin with.  Seeing the name reminded me of a decade long relationship that I ruined.  Seeing the name, reminding me of how I crushed and hurt someone so completely...Seeing the name reminded me of a choice I forced someone to make...."them or me"....

Seeing the name,  fills me with guilt, sadness and a sense of doom.
This person is beautiful, loved by family, upstanding member of society.  A career person, a nice person, a family person.   This person was deeply in love and committed to someone I love....but I know my love will never match the love of the other person.

I know I can't compete with a real person.   Because I am a mess.  I am ugly, fat, have horrible mental problems, a bad temper, and can't remember shit.   I am unemployed with no redeeming assets...I have no skills, no career, no family, no future but eventual death.

I know deep down in my heart, that I have lost...eventually I will destroy my relationship, because I am a fuck up...and the person whose name scares me, will be the victor.   I never win at anything, I am always the loser, in the long run.

I have lost already, I am preparing my heart for defeat...