daddys birthday

Sparrow & Daddy appx 1968

Today, February 26, would have been my daddy's 78th birthday, had he not died in 2007. I miss him every fucking day..he died one year before I was diagnosed with brain tumors.....I have been living with brain cancer since 08, and I believe I have lived this long because my daddy is keeping me alive....his energy is all around me...

Today is also, the love of my lifes birthday...February 26.  My love was a high school graduate with me....I did not know him then, but life full circle has brought us together....

The similarities of me and my love is almost freakishly weird and bizaare......

we attended high school together
he lost a baby girl, and named her Kelly...
(I lost a baby girl and we had also named her, Kelly)

His biological fathers name was Gary.
My daddy's name is Gary...

He has a brother named Gary,
I have a brother name Gary.

He is not a christian, I am not a christian...

I love drummers and guys with long hair,.
He is a drummer and has long hair...

He saved my life, yrs ago, through a phone call, and we were just facebook friends then...Yet he cared about me....

He was abused as a child,
I was abused as a child...

He has a kids that refuse to speak to him or acknowledge him,
I have kids that do the same...

He left his wife and state years ago, and I also left my husband and state 2 yrs ago....

we both ended up in the same state, 1000's of miles away from our former lives...

we literally can read eachothers minds...its uncanny the connection we have....he is my soul, my heart, my mind and my body, and I am his.....

He is my everything.....My love, my daddy, my friend, my life...

sugar mama

What the fuck is wrong with me?????  I am so fucking angry all the goddamn time....I literally hate myself.....years of abuse, years of being taken advantage of, years of selfish self-centered kids and husband, years of being made to feel guilty by christians...Years of being lied too, misled, and handled....my entire goddamn fucking life has been just one big ass clusterfuck.....

Now I am away from all that, and my life is still a clusterfuck...but now I see someone I love being taken advantage of, used, and then treated like shit....I am sick to death of the "good guy" mentality "no, I don't need any money....I have all the money in the world, all the time in the world and nothing better to do than to fix things for other people who are too fucking miserly to get it fixed themselves...why not???  because I enjoy being taken advantage of.....and I can't say "NO"....

So, I speak my mind to this "friend", tell him my thoughts on people using him, and I am chastised and basically told to mind my own business.....

Everytime I say something, I am shut down and told differently.  My opinions and thoughts do not fucking matter.... I am constantly made to feel like an idiot and everything is my own damn fault.  I am not allowed to speak my mind without condemnation and being talked down too....

I listen to this "friend" talk about his frustrations in being used, at work and by others...yet when I say something, anything..;I am shut down, and given excuses for why he continues to let EVERYONE use him....co-workers, aquaintances, family, old girlfriends, other girls, and the list goes on and on......

All the while, I am helping him get out of debt.....so as long as I have money, he does not need to charge others for his services...he has a sugar momma....I want to help him, but it is hard when I am doing so much for him financially and others are using his good nature to stiff him ....at least, I am paying for all the things he does for me....I WILL NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIM...

it fucking eats me up inside all the people who have taken advantage of him, lied to him and used him....and it eats me up that he allows this.....all those people wanting him to fix something for them, but those people do not socialize with him, they do not invite him places, they don't call him unless they need something,  they are not even his friends and they treat him like dog shit on the bottom of their shoes at work....yet, he lets them.....

I try and defend him, but I am chastised if I say anything negative or not "what he wants to hear"...so it is time to just keep my fucking mouth shut....if he doesn't care that people use him, then I guess I shouldn't care either....except I do, because I love him......

Valentines Poem

I have not written any poems lately, but for Valentines I penned this poem for my love:


As I dream of you,
I feel your heart beat..
I hear the breeze,
whisper your name...
As I dream of you,
I taste the sweetest candy...
As you take my breath,
and touch my heart...


Valentines is a whole new holiday when you actually spend it with someone who loves you and is not trying to control or change you...

S

My kids

When I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was to have a baby.   I wanted a family that is love....

I wanted my kids to have the life and upbringing I did not have.  A two parent home, with a good father and husband...I wanted my kids to have every advantage that I did not have.  My kids were happy, they were healthy and they never wanted or needed anything.  They had an excellent father and a great life growing up.

They were never emotionally or verbally abused...they were never sexually molested.  They never had to "kill" a treasured pet....they never had to experience "sex trafficking" rape, and all the other constant horrors that plagued my life right up until high school.  They never had to curl up in a ball so the kicks and blows wouldn't hit them in the face or stomach....they never had to watch their mother get beaten...they never had to protect one another from their dad....my kids will never know what their mother endured....

they will never know the horrors that were so great, my little child brain literally split into two other personalities.....my kids will never know any of that.   My kids got to live the life I wanted to live, the life I wanted them to have.   I accomplished my goal as a mother.

Now it is my turn to have a life for me, and me only.  Now is the time for me to be happy, safe and content.  Now is the time that Ally and Lilly don't have to hide, I don't have to hide them...I can cuss and swear, watch any movie or TV show I want, listen to any type of music I want, go anywhere I want, spend and buy anything I want...wear anything I want....I am free....

My only wish is that someday, my kids will get their heads out of their asses and accept me as I am today.  They have their life...I have mine, my new life.....and I will not apologize ever for my decision to leave my life in Oklahoma or to leave my husband.   

I will never marry again....I will never live with anybody again.  I am me, myself and I....I will have a romantic relationship with a Master, I will indulge in my true submissive personality and live as a submissive...I will practice my craft, witchcraft, and be happy in me...I am Sparrow...and I am flying....I am free....

cannot go back...

Sometimes I feel like or get the sensation as if I am living in an alternate reality....I drive around this new area with awe...I look at the rolling mountains and picturesque landscape and think, "well this is heaven"...

I watch squirrels, birds, woodchucks eat seeds and crackers off my balcony.   I look out my back window and see a family of deer walking....have even had a black bear tip over my trash can.... 

I take my kayak to the cove, and travel all over the lake, looking for coves and wildlife.  Letting the sun beat down on me, a lazy place...

I take my dog, hiking....we hike all over the mountains on trails...we search for waterfalls, rock formations, and any other surprise a hike might bring...

in the evening, I get my coffee or beer and sit by my fireplace...watching the flames...relaxing in my treehouse...it is so quiet here, no traffic,  no sirens, no people roaming around...it is like I am in the country, even though I am in the city....

there are so many beautiful old cemeteries that date back to the 1700's and revolutionary war....civil war....so many historical landmarks...so much history of our nation...so much to see and learn about my heritage, the Confederacy.    I am proud of my heritage....my family were tobacco growers and slave owners in North Carolina.   From what I can tell, they were good and decent people and took great care of their slaves....their slaves had shelter, food, families, clothing everything they needed.  At the end of the war, many of the slaves, even elected to stay with their "Masters",  In which they became paid servants...Slavery was a way of life, women did not have the right to vote or the right to do pretty much anything....

So much has changed since then, but I will never be ashamed of my heritage...it is who I am today...A Trammell, thru and thru....

but....some days I feel I am floating through space and time....I lose gaps of time, but now I know where those times go...

I walk around and go places and nobody knows who I am...I am a wallflower...I love that....I love the ability to be exactly who I am.   I do not care what the christians think, or the family, or anybody else.  I am living for me now.   I am free to be me, free to be happy..

Then,  I get a text or something from one of my kids, my dad, or my husband in Oklahoma....reality comes crashing down....memories of Oklahoma flood my head....the living in a prison, the ultra religious spouse and parents...the condemnation of my kids, and all the reminders of why I hate oklahoma....then I start feeling guilty for leaving....I start second guessing my decision,  I become insecure and feel like I am floundering....the "what ifs" come out and haunt me....

I cannot go back....I want to live....being here in Virginia is "life", being in Oklahoma is "death"...

Fear of fog

As a teenager, I did the party thing...I was a teenager in the 70's and early 80's and sex drugs satanism and rock and roll were the norm...everybody did it....

from playing records backwards to find hidden satanic messages, to blood rituals, black magic and just basic anti-establishment fads...

One party I went to:

We (me and my then boyfriend) went to a party on a beach...there were other kids there, but I really did not know them, but a beach party attracts all kinds of strangers....

this party was different...a game was played.."Chase and Tag"...
this night, or early morning, not sure when, but it was extremely foggy, visibility was very low....us girls, were told to run and not be caught....like tag...okay, sounded like fun...

bells started ringing and you were to run until the bells stopped, if you were found before the bells stopped you were "it"...but if you did not get caught before the bells stopped, you win (drugs or whatever)...

I started running with my boyfriend, sorta, the fog was really thick so I couldn't really run to much, but my guy was with me...then he wasn't....he ditched me....

I got scared because I didn't know the area, and I couldn't see for shit....but I could hear mens voices...looking for us girls who were running...."little girl, where are you?? "

I ran into a fence or some type of structure and it was there that three men caught me....the bells were still ringing....

these men were old men, like 40's and 50's (which is old to a teenager)...odd....because I had not seen them at all until that moment...

after they caught me, they pushed me back and forth between them, laughing...then I was forced to perform oral sex on them....they put their hands all over me, sickening....then they were gone....the bells stopped....

we were all back at the meeting place,  given pot and alcohol and what ever else fuck shit that was put in our drinks...there was food, music...it was a party....the old men were gone....

no names were ever spoken, no cell phones for pictures, nothing could be identified...this was a secret party on private property...

this was Sex trafficking.......I was 15/16 years old....bait for old men to get their rocks off....me and the other "girls".....

Why didn't I report this to the police????  I was a fucking child, on drugs, I was not marked or harmed in any physical way...no proof on my body of abuse....a history of smoking pot and being rebellious, like all teenagers...these men were upstanding fine tax paying important men....who would have believed a little girl over important men?   and this was the 70"s.....

so,  this memory was stuffed way deep into my brain...and the only thing about this game that stayed with me my whole life was this:

an unnatural fear of fog......

floodgates

fuck, my head is so going nuts.....the floodgates of memories are pouring out and I am barely having time to breath....

the more I remember, the worse my life gets.....my past.....sometimes I think it can't get any worse, then it does....

the plus is:  the two main villains are either in prison or dead...so that is good news....but still,  can't make this shit up....

every time I remember something, we investigate it to make sure it is true, and fuck....its true.....

there are a couple of memories, I remember one way, but then find out , yes it did happen, but not in the way I remember....but still was vindicated in my memory....

My biggest fear now, is when and if I take steps to become public and approach certain people,  what will happen?  One of those I have to confront is my own mother.....fuck....then my entire family and friends and the world....

this is the scariest part....do I want to destroy the life and memories of others over something that happened over 40 years ago???  I am just thankful beyond measure that my daddy is dead....his heart would be so broken if he knew...but then again, I wish he was here because I need answers from him and my still-living mother...

or should I just let sleeping dogs sleep.....

Vindication

Some times life fucking steals the rug right out from under you....
my childhood was riddled with physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abuse....right through the age of 16.....when you read about the "Bunny" or "puppy" or parking garage etc  entries you will see how fucked my life was...even though I am writing in third person, it is me...I am that little girl....

                                                       My evil step-dad even in this picture;
                                                          he has his fingers on my vagina.

The man that I thought was my dad...who did all those awful fuck things to me is dead......I found his grave....he died in 2007...the same year my bio dad died...almost a month to the day....both "dads" died within a month of each other....he, my step dad, had been arrested and convicted numerous times for DUI....he was a fuck drunk when I was a kid and a fuck drunk his entire life...I hope he suffered horribly in his death.

The man who was my "boyfriend" in South Carolina, the one who did horrible Satanic ritualistic physical and sexual abuse on me...His father...who was a fuck twisted person....that man,  age 60 now, is in prison.   He has multiple convictions up and down the east coast for pedophilia and sexual assault to minors...failure to register as a sexual offender and who knows what other fuck....He has been in prison since 1994...I hope he rots there and is abused and battered viciously by other inmates...I want him to be somebodys bitch.

                                                           My boyfriend, Ronnie

Finding out these things, have not been closure for me....they are vindication that all the memories and feelings I have been having my entire life WERE TRUE...but now,  I know they happened for sure and I feel even worse....I feel sick, damaged, dirty, used, sad, guilty, angry.

More memories are pouring out of my head....I swear I feel like I am suffocating....I don't know what to do with them...where do I put these new fuck memories???  I am drowning....