mixed feelings

Sometimes I get feelings or emotions that I do not understand.  My feelings at times, are at odds with my thoughts.

In my head, I think, my thoughts are this:  I am so glad I left my husband and Oklahoma...Oklahoma was toxic for me, the new me, the new "fucked up" brain me....I hate everything about Oklahoma except my kids...

My feelings:   I miss my kids, I miss Louies, I miss the dog park, I miss some of my "homeless" people...I miss the familiarity of the city...and "do I miss the old me?"   yes and no...

The old me, Melissa, had financial security, a beautiful home, a "good" husband,  my volunteer work, etc...I was comfortable in my home, which I loved and remodeled...I miss my deck and pool...

But do I miss being "married"?  NO.  
Sometimes here in VA,  I have a sense of restlessness....what to do, where to go, etc...I can feel so lonely...

But something I have noticed...my kids contact me more now than they ever did when I lived in the same city.   It seems they love me more now that I am far away...

I am trying to build myself a new life...Life of Sparrow... I am starting from scratch...new home, new city, new identity, new morals, new lifestyle, new new new...but I do feel bad for my husband.  He will send me texts or call, just to chat...He tells me he loves me and misses me and tries to keep me in his life....and I feel so guilty at times, because I don't want to be "that" part of his life anymore.   I want my own life, my own Identity...yet I still want to be his friend.  I care about him.  But that is all...there is no love...

I don't know what tomorrow may bring..."What if my tumors cause my personality to change again?...what if over time I become another different person?  that scares me....my future is so scary...so I try and only think of today....but with all those fucking creatures crowding my brain, each day is a crap shoot....

I saw a picture of me from 10 years ago.  My hair was super short, and very dark brown...I looked at that picture...and it was like I was looking at a picture of a woman that "looks kinda like me" a "doppelganger" but yet she is a stranger.....do you know how disconcerting that is??   to see pics from years past and think "who the fuck is that?"  I have died and become reincarnated as "sparrow"....seriously...the Melissa part of my brain is dead and buried...the sparrow part is alive and soaring...BUT FOR HOW LONG???