Punishment

When I was a little kid,  I did not have much..I only can remember a Chrissy doll, baby doll and puppy....all of which were taken away from me.

It seems my whole childhood was about "Indian giver" give it to me, take it back....that fed my insecurity about so many things...

I don't remember much about my teenager years or young adult years...but I do remember a couple of incidences as a teenager that the same "Indian giver" philosophy was done to me....which left me feeling rejected...lost...

As an adult, the new identity that is me, still feels that pang of rejection, insecurity, loss...things that may seem petty to some, mean alot to me,  I know some of the way I process emotions seem petty to others, stupid, ridiculous, immature...but I was not allowed to grow and mature like a normal person. I am not normal...My way to adulthood was chaotic, confusing and basically a complete blank.  I never learned to "feel" correctly...if that makes any sense.  

So now I "feel" a series of complex emotions all at once...they suffocate me, freak me out, make my mind go to places that are dark and mean....so I run.  Withdraw into myself and fake it.
That is mental survival, for me.

My Chrissy doll was given back to me much later in life, and a baby doll has been given to me as a gift.  I also have a dog.   But the "fear" those will be taken from me still looms....


I was given something that I love and wanted so bad, I craved what "it" stood for,  its symbolism and meaning ....I got to hold it, cradle it, touch and feel it..then it was taken from me.   My heart was ripped in half, omg the horror of rejection I felt was so immense I almost could not fake it.   Logically, there was a valid reason it was taken from me, I got that, in my head....but not in my heart....my heart failed me...and each passing day without it makes me cry more inside....like a stupid child.

My reaction should not be this....I should be an adult about it, understand and be patient.  be a goddamn grown up...but the crushed little girl inside wants to bust out.   I do not know how to handle this "Indian giver" situation...all I feel is like I am being punished and rejected...in actuality none of those situations are happening,  but I don't have an actual heart...or an actual mind for that matter....

How do I do battle with myself?  one side is act like a grown up,  be mature, wait....and the other is sad, disapointed, hurt, and a million other fuck emotions...its a constant battle inside me, and I really don't have any tools to help me...because I am beyond help...my brain and my heart are just blobs of heinz 57 ingredients...