2020

Well I made it another year.  I cannot believe these brain tumors have not killed me yet....is this the year?

2019 was a fuck year.   I can't get over my grandson dying so suddenly.   He was diagnosed in August of Chordoma (tumor at the brain stem) and died 6 weeks later.   He was fucking 8 yrs old.

He died of his brain cancer and I am living with mine.....what kind of fuck shit is that.  I have lived a life, been places, done things, my Gage will never get to have a life...his was cut way too short.

Everyday I think about him, he is in my heart always....

What if this year another grandson is diagnosed of some fuck cancer or disease and dies???  I would not be able to handle that....I am so scared for 2020.

Instead of looking to the future, 2020 has me thinking of the past....I hate the new year....who will leave us this year?   what horrors does our country have for us?

I am so afraid to be happy....happiness is followed by despair and heartache....if I am not happy, then I cannot be sad....How do you put a childs death behind you and move on?????  How is my son dealing with this?   He had three sons, that fuck cancer stole one, he has two left....how fucking horrible to live without your child....
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My sense of loss is profound...it echos in the canyons of my soul.
It steals my hesitant smiles,  and covers my sad eyes...I breathe the salty air of sadness,  and feel the weight of depression.   I want to run away, but my feet won't move....I am cemented in my spirit, and my wings have melted....I yearn to smile,  I want to curl up and sleep...but dreams keep me staggering ....I miss my boy, I miss my heart.

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