How do people love themselves? I wish I knew the trick...because I literally hate every aspect of myself.
I hate my hair, my body, my mouth, my nose, my mind, my heart, my size, everything about me I hate.....
I hate that I navigate, three personalities, I hate being three people...that is a fucked up mind...a fucked up life...a freak
everything I touch breaks, or goes sour,. Nothing works out for me in the long run....I sabotage everything. I sabotaged my marriage, my kids, my jobs, my relationships all....with my head,,,,
I find comfort in beating myself up...getting what I deserve...hurting myself so others don't have too....I am broken,.
a million little pieces of me scattered everywhere, stepped on, torn up and thrown in the trash....the trash that is my soul...
I cannot be loved, I cannot love...I am a fucking zombie with three heads...I am just amusement and a challenge for others, a curiosity to be explored....a medical freak....side show attraction...
In fact...its now time to stop crying....stuff the sadness way down deep and don't let it bother me again. I am putting up my walls, I am drying up my tears...I am a robot now, not human... Tears are for real people...I am not even human....
Tuesday, January 21, 2020
Monday, January 20, 2020
Punishment
When I was a little kid, I did not have much..I only can remember a Chrissy doll, baby doll and puppy....all of which were taken away from me.
It seems my whole childhood was about "Indian giver" give it to me, take it back....that fed my insecurity about so many things...
I don't remember much about my teenager years or young adult years...but I do remember a couple of incidences as a teenager that the same "Indian giver" philosophy was done to me....which left me feeling rejected...lost...
As an adult, the new identity that is me, still feels that pang of rejection, insecurity, loss...things that may seem petty to some, mean alot to me, I know some of the way I process emotions seem petty to others, stupid, ridiculous, immature...but I was not allowed to grow and mature like a normal person. I am not normal...My way to adulthood was chaotic, confusing and basically a complete blank. I never learned to "feel" correctly...if that makes any sense.
So now I "feel" a series of complex emotions all at once...they suffocate me, freak me out, make my mind go to places that are dark and mean....so I run. Withdraw into myself and fake it.
That is mental survival, for me.
My Chrissy doll was given back to me much later in life, and a baby doll has been given to me as a gift. I also have a dog. But the "fear" those will be taken from me still looms....
I was given something that I love and wanted so bad, I craved what "it" stood for, its symbolism and meaning ....I got to hold it, cradle it, touch and feel it..then it was taken from me. My heart was ripped in half, omg the horror of rejection I felt was so immense I almost could not fake it. Logically, there was a valid reason it was taken from me, I got that, in my head....but not in my heart....my heart failed me...and each passing day without it makes me cry more inside....like a stupid child.
My reaction should not be this....I should be an adult about it, understand and be patient. be a goddamn grown up...but the crushed little girl inside wants to bust out. I do not know how to handle this "Indian giver" situation...all I feel is like I am being punished and rejected...in actuality none of those situations are happening, but I don't have an actual heart...or an actual mind for that matter....
How do I do battle with myself? one side is act like a grown up, be mature, wait....and the other is sad, disapointed, hurt, and a million other fuck emotions...its a constant battle inside me, and I really don't have any tools to help me...because I am beyond help...my brain and my heart are just blobs of heinz 57 ingredients...
It seems my whole childhood was about "Indian giver" give it to me, take it back....that fed my insecurity about so many things...
I don't remember much about my teenager years or young adult years...but I do remember a couple of incidences as a teenager that the same "Indian giver" philosophy was done to me....which left me feeling rejected...lost...
As an adult, the new identity that is me, still feels that pang of rejection, insecurity, loss...things that may seem petty to some, mean alot to me, I know some of the way I process emotions seem petty to others, stupid, ridiculous, immature...but I was not allowed to grow and mature like a normal person. I am not normal...My way to adulthood was chaotic, confusing and basically a complete blank. I never learned to "feel" correctly...if that makes any sense.
So now I "feel" a series of complex emotions all at once...they suffocate me, freak me out, make my mind go to places that are dark and mean....so I run. Withdraw into myself and fake it.
That is mental survival, for me.
My Chrissy doll was given back to me much later in life, and a baby doll has been given to me as a gift. I also have a dog. But the "fear" those will be taken from me still looms....
I was given something that I love and wanted so bad, I craved what "it" stood for, its symbolism and meaning ....I got to hold it, cradle it, touch and feel it..then it was taken from me. My heart was ripped in half, omg the horror of rejection I felt was so immense I almost could not fake it. Logically, there was a valid reason it was taken from me, I got that, in my head....but not in my heart....my heart failed me...and each passing day without it makes me cry more inside....like a stupid child.
My reaction should not be this....I should be an adult about it, understand and be patient. be a goddamn grown up...but the crushed little girl inside wants to bust out. I do not know how to handle this "Indian giver" situation...all I feel is like I am being punished and rejected...in actuality none of those situations are happening, but I don't have an actual heart...or an actual mind for that matter....
How do I do battle with myself? one side is act like a grown up, be mature, wait....and the other is sad, disapointed, hurt, and a million other fuck emotions...its a constant battle inside me, and I really don't have any tools to help me...because I am beyond help...my brain and my heart are just blobs of heinz 57 ingredients...
Friday, January 17, 2020
mixed feelings
Sometimes I get feelings or emotions that I do not understand. My feelings at times, are at odds with my thoughts.
In my head, I think, my thoughts are this: I am so glad I left my husband and Oklahoma...Oklahoma was toxic for me, the new me, the new "fucked up" brain me....I hate everything about Oklahoma except my kids...
My feelings: I miss my kids, I miss Louies, I miss the dog park, I miss some of my "homeless" people...I miss the familiarity of the city...and "do I miss the old me?" yes and no...
The old me, Melissa, had financial security, a beautiful home, a "good" husband, my volunteer work, etc...I was comfortable in my home, which I loved and remodeled...I miss my deck and pool...
But do I miss being "married"? NO.
Sometimes here in VA, I have a sense of restlessness....what to do, where to go, etc...I can feel so lonely...
But something I have noticed...my kids contact me more now than they ever did when I lived in the same city. It seems they love me more now that I am far away...
I am trying to build myself a new life...Life of Sparrow... I am starting from scratch...new home, new city, new identity, new morals, new lifestyle, new new new...but I do feel bad for my husband. He will send me texts or call, just to chat...He tells me he loves me and misses me and tries to keep me in his life....and I feel so guilty at times, because I don't want to be "that" part of his life anymore. I want my own life, my own Identity...yet I still want to be his friend. I care about him. But that is all...there is no love...
I don't know what tomorrow may bring..."What if my tumors cause my personality to change again?...what if over time I become another different person? that scares me....my future is so scary...so I try and only think of today....but with all those fucking creatures crowding my brain, each day is a crap shoot....
I saw a picture of me from 10 years ago. My hair was super short, and very dark brown...I looked at that picture...and it was like I was looking at a picture of a woman that "looks kinda like me" a "doppelganger" but yet she is a stranger.....do you know how disconcerting that is?? to see pics from years past and think "who the fuck is that?" I have died and become reincarnated as "sparrow"....seriously...the Melissa part of my brain is dead and buried...the sparrow part is alive and soaring...BUT FOR HOW LONG???
In my head, I think, my thoughts are this: I am so glad I left my husband and Oklahoma...Oklahoma was toxic for me, the new me, the new "fucked up" brain me....I hate everything about Oklahoma except my kids...
My feelings: I miss my kids, I miss Louies, I miss the dog park, I miss some of my "homeless" people...I miss the familiarity of the city...and "do I miss the old me?" yes and no...
The old me, Melissa, had financial security, a beautiful home, a "good" husband, my volunteer work, etc...I was comfortable in my home, which I loved and remodeled...I miss my deck and pool...
But do I miss being "married"? NO.
Sometimes here in VA, I have a sense of restlessness....what to do, where to go, etc...I can feel so lonely...
But something I have noticed...my kids contact me more now than they ever did when I lived in the same city. It seems they love me more now that I am far away...
I am trying to build myself a new life...Life of Sparrow... I am starting from scratch...new home, new city, new identity, new morals, new lifestyle, new new new...but I do feel bad for my husband. He will send me texts or call, just to chat...He tells me he loves me and misses me and tries to keep me in his life....and I feel so guilty at times, because I don't want to be "that" part of his life anymore. I want my own life, my own Identity...yet I still want to be his friend. I care about him. But that is all...there is no love...
I don't know what tomorrow may bring..."What if my tumors cause my personality to change again?...what if over time I become another different person? that scares me....my future is so scary...so I try and only think of today....but with all those fucking creatures crowding my brain, each day is a crap shoot....
I saw a picture of me from 10 years ago. My hair was super short, and very dark brown...I looked at that picture...and it was like I was looking at a picture of a woman that "looks kinda like me" a "doppelganger" but yet she is a stranger.....do you know how disconcerting that is?? to see pics from years past and think "who the fuck is that?" I have died and become reincarnated as "sparrow"....seriously...the Melissa part of my brain is dead and buried...the sparrow part is alive and soaring...BUT FOR HOW LONG???
Monday, January 6, 2020
So embarrassing
So, I am looking at my bank account. I check it almost everyday and have found errors with unauthorized purchases and got those cleared up....
today I look, and there is a purchase for almost 150.00 at Target. I remember going to Target but my purchase was 119.00 ish, not 150....on my account it shows my purchase, but also the 150.00 purchase. So I called the customer service line of my Redcard. They pull up the receipt for the 150 bill....
I DID BUY ALL THOSE ITEMS he was reading to me, but I have NO FUCKING MEMORY OF EVER DOING THAT PARTICULAR SHOPPING SPREE....
The bill was mine....I felt like such a fucking asshole dork for calling and asking....I remember going once to Target, but not twice in the same week.....that particular visit is gone from my memory...
WHY???? WHY DO I REMEMBER ONE VISIT BUT NOT THE OTHER...
I am so fucking stupid...I must have sounded so stupid and ignorant to the person on the phone...I must have sounded like I was just trying to get out of a bill....I WAS NOT.
This is my life, sometimes I remember and some times I don't. Its a fucking crap shoot what I might remember or what I will forget...
forgetting shit like this, makes me feel so stupid, so dumb, so blonde, so ignorant....I hate that my mind is fucked....I hate someone explaining something to me as if I were a child...
I once was smart, intelligent, with an above average IQ score...Now I am nothing but a stupid forgetful idiot, muddling through life like a goddamn moron.
Its shit like this, that throws me into my fuck depression...It depresses me so much that I am not the smart woman I once was, I am nothing now, but a fucking walking head case...stupid as fuck for sure....nothing more than a fuck and roll in the hay for some dick.....don't have to be smart for that.....
today I look, and there is a purchase for almost 150.00 at Target. I remember going to Target but my purchase was 119.00 ish, not 150....on my account it shows my purchase, but also the 150.00 purchase. So I called the customer service line of my Redcard. They pull up the receipt for the 150 bill....
I DID BUY ALL THOSE ITEMS he was reading to me, but I have NO FUCKING MEMORY OF EVER DOING THAT PARTICULAR SHOPPING SPREE....
The bill was mine....I felt like such a fucking asshole dork for calling and asking....I remember going once to Target, but not twice in the same week.....that particular visit is gone from my memory...
WHY???? WHY DO I REMEMBER ONE VISIT BUT NOT THE OTHER...
I am so fucking stupid...I must have sounded so stupid and ignorant to the person on the phone...I must have sounded like I was just trying to get out of a bill....I WAS NOT.
This is my life, sometimes I remember and some times I don't. Its a fucking crap shoot what I might remember or what I will forget...
forgetting shit like this, makes me feel so stupid, so dumb, so blonde, so ignorant....I hate that my mind is fucked....I hate someone explaining something to me as if I were a child...
I once was smart, intelligent, with an above average IQ score...Now I am nothing but a stupid forgetful idiot, muddling through life like a goddamn moron.
Its shit like this, that throws me into my fuck depression...It depresses me so much that I am not the smart woman I once was, I am nothing now, but a fucking walking head case...stupid as fuck for sure....nothing more than a fuck and roll in the hay for some dick.....don't have to be smart for that.....
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
2020
Well I made it another year. I cannot believe these brain tumors have not killed me yet....is this the year?
2019 was a fuck year. I can't get over my grandson dying so suddenly. He was diagnosed in August of Chordoma (tumor at the brain stem) and died 6 weeks later. He was fucking 8 yrs old.
He died of his brain cancer and I am living with mine.....what kind of fuck shit is that. I have lived a life, been places, done things, my Gage will never get to have a life...his was cut way too short.
Everyday I think about him, he is in my heart always....
What if this year another grandson is diagnosed of some fuck cancer or disease and dies??? I would not be able to handle that....I am so scared for 2020.
Instead of looking to the future, 2020 has me thinking of the past....I hate the new year....who will leave us this year? what horrors does our country have for us?
I am so afraid to be happy....happiness is followed by despair and heartache....if I am not happy, then I cannot be sad....How do you put a childs death behind you and move on????? How is my son dealing with this? He had three sons, that fuck cancer stole one, he has two left....how fucking horrible to live without your child....
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My sense of loss is profound...it echos in the canyons of my soul.
It steals my hesitant smiles, and covers my sad eyes...I breathe the salty air of sadness, and feel the weight of depression. I want to run away, but my feet won't move....I am cemented in my spirit, and my wings have melted....I yearn to smile, I want to curl up and sleep...but dreams keep me staggering ....I miss my boy, I miss my heart.
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2019 was a fuck year. I can't get over my grandson dying so suddenly. He was diagnosed in August of Chordoma (tumor at the brain stem) and died 6 weeks later. He was fucking 8 yrs old.
He died of his brain cancer and I am living with mine.....what kind of fuck shit is that. I have lived a life, been places, done things, my Gage will never get to have a life...his was cut way too short.
Everyday I think about him, he is in my heart always....
What if this year another grandson is diagnosed of some fuck cancer or disease and dies??? I would not be able to handle that....I am so scared for 2020.
Instead of looking to the future, 2020 has me thinking of the past....I hate the new year....who will leave us this year? what horrors does our country have for us?
I am so afraid to be happy....happiness is followed by despair and heartache....if I am not happy, then I cannot be sad....How do you put a childs death behind you and move on????? How is my son dealing with this? He had three sons, that fuck cancer stole one, he has two left....how fucking horrible to live without your child....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sense of loss is profound...it echos in the canyons of my soul.
It steals my hesitant smiles, and covers my sad eyes...I breathe the salty air of sadness, and feel the weight of depression. I want to run away, but my feet won't move....I am cemented in my spirit, and my wings have melted....I yearn to smile, I want to curl up and sleep...but dreams keep me staggering ....I miss my boy, I miss my heart.
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