Memories

So, on facebook this morning, I had a "memory" posted from 2016.  The memory was what I had written for my 33 wedding anniversary to my then, husband.

Reading my post, it would appear that I was deeply in love with him.....now 3 years later,  I am gone, from him....how did this happen?

I know that when I wrote that in Dec of 2016, It was on the heals of being in treatment for a suicide attempt and right after a big surgery, radical hysterectomy...I was on mountains of meds and still reeling from the surgery....did I love him then?  I think maybe it was more that I was feeling helpless and hopeless and trying to talk myself into "loving" my husband and situation...

But when this was written,  I had already been leaving him...in my head...I just felt trapped and imprisoned....I wanted more, but could not figure out what I wanted or needed...the next two years were a cluster fuck of feelings and emotions attacking my brain....

It took me two years to get up the courage to leave, to think for myself, to act for myself, to save myself....

Was I bald face lying in my post to my husband in 2016??  No, I do love him, or did love him, I think....I truly did not know what love was, how it felt, what it meant...I was in the system...the "old married folks, system"   I was dying inside...I was loving because it was expected of me...a responsibility, a performance...it was not real....

Next week will be our "36" wedding anniversary...as we are still " married, but Legally Separated"....I am married on paper, but divorced in my heart....

Am I a fraud?  am I an adulterer? am I a thief and family destroyer?" am I a bitch?  

I am just a survivor, trying to survive and finally be happy, and at ease....at ease in my own home, at ease in my love for another, at ease with myself....I am trying to rest my mind.....

I will not apologize for "not loving my husband anymore, I will not apologize for leaving him and my kids..."  

I don't remember writing that "love post" those three years ago, I don't remember any emotion one way or another by even reading the post...its just words...words that now, I am sad I wrote, because now those words are lies....I was lying back then and did not even realize it....sigh....