Insecure mind

I am so fucking insecure...on the outside "people" may think I have it so together.   I live by myself, drive a bad ass jeep, have nice things, a great guy...I am always told how beautiful I am, blah blah blah...but deep down, I am none of those things, not really.

When a child is told over and over how "bad", "stupid", "ugly", "wish you hand not been born", etc...their entire life, they will have insecurity issues forever.  You never "get over it", you are constantly in your own head, questioning yourself..."do I look ok", "did I do something wrong", "apologizing all the time", "not holding eye contact with people" and "misinterpreting situations for the negative..all the fucking time..."  Your mind just does not work right...can't reboot your brain...

Being insecure also destroys relationships...you have a hard time with criticism, you think everything is your fault,  and you beat yourself up all the time.....

I might as well have been aborted, because my mind was aborted...my head was destroyed as a child and is now only held together by spit and glue....I am exhausting to be around, and I am the perfect scapegoat for others to dump on, because I dump on myself....I get blamed for shit, I did not do and instead of being angry at the injustice, I accept it and apologize...I accept that I am a fucking head case, I accept that I am not worthy of love, the fact that there a couple of people who do love me only makes me feel guilty and insecure.  They will see my true colors eventually and not want me around...it always happens.

This is the mindset of an emotionally and verbally abused kid...now adult.  My brain never matured because it was not allowed too....I can't hold a job, can't hold a man, can't hold on to even my sanity because of the abuse and insecurity I feel....It would have been much easier if the only abuse I sustained as a child was physical, bones heal, bruises heal, but words and actions stay forever in your brain...for ever, it is a cancer...eats at you every year instead of getting better, I am worse....

Being insecure also makes a person sabotage a good thing...we push people away before they can push us away...we make them hate us and want to go elsewhere...that is our defense....force a divide and retreat back to the hole we crawled out of....we are our own worst critics...

I don't fucking care how much "therapy" a person has, how "fucking saved" they get, it does not matter, a damaged brain is just that, damaged....can't reboot damaged, can't repair damage because there are no spare parts.

We stuff our feelings and thoughts because speaking them out loud only leads to enlargements and disagreements.  When we do try and explain what we are thinking or feeling, it always comes out so fucking discombobulated that we sound like fucking idiots...because of course, we are.   Not born idiots, but molded and shaped idiots....it is hyper easy to accept our worthlessness, but accepting positive is almost impossible, because positive always leads to negative with insecure damaged people....

The glass is always half empty....in an insecure mind... because there is a hole in the glass.....damaged