I love where I live. I love my apartment, my treehouse....I love the quiet and the solitude and the nature all around me. I only have three other neighbors, and I thought we all got along.
But, I guess not. One of my neighbors got into an auto accident and his car was towed to the apartment. I park on the side of the apartment in a little "gully" type place. We (the entire apartment) agreed for me to park there so my neighbors with two cars could have my "space" up front.
The tow truck was parking the wrecked vehicle right in my spot. So I asked him to move it over closer to the creek bed so I could get my jeep in and out easily. NOT A FUCKING BIG DEAL.
Well for some shit reason, my neighbors got offended by me asking the tow truck driver to move the vehicle over. (it was not drivable). They even went so far as to call my landlord and bitch to him that I am causing trouble. WHAT THE FUCK?
I AM NOT THE ONE DRIVING DRUNK, WITHOUT A LICENSE OR INSURANCE IN A CAR WITH AN EXPIRED TAG....
I have been nothing but nice to them....I have tried to be a friend to her, I have invited her numerous times to go places with me...I have given her clothes I couldn't wear anymore...and other things. When their dog , died, I paid the vet bill for them....
AND FOR GRATITUDE THEY COMPLAIN TO THE LANDLORD ABOUT ME.
People suck. They are your friends when they can get something or its good for them, but that is all.
If anything, they are the ones that cause problems....they drink and scream at eachother all day long for the fucking entire neighborhood to hear....their new dog runs wild because she is too much dog for them....he is a drunk. AND TO TOP IT OFF, THEY ONLY HAVE HORRIBLE THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THE LANDLORD...THEY HAVE ACCUSED HIM, TO ME, OF STEALING THEIR STUFF AND OTHER SHIT...yet they complain to him about me????????
FUCK THEM...FUCK TWO FACED HYPOCRITS...I am not leaving. I am staying here...I love this apartment and no hypocrit neighbor is gonna chase me off....I love how miserable people have to make everyone elses life miserable too....
Thursday, December 26, 2019
Saturday, December 21, 2019
When
I keep thinking that my family will realize I am not the Missy/Melissa that they know or knew...Its been almost 2 yrs since I left and changed my name to Sparrow. I am no longer that woman, Melissa...she had very short and spikey hair, it was brown...Sparrow has shoulder length blonde hair. Melissa wore clothes that her husband approved....Sparrow wears whatever the fuck she wants...Sparrow is a free spirit with a free will...she makes her decisions and has no one to tell her what she can or can't do...
My parents refuse to call me Sparrow. My sister and x husband refuse to accept that I can't remember shit....I am ridiculed for forgetting events or times or whatever, I get "I told you already..." or shit like that....all the time...
My family assumes that I know everything that is going on in Oklahoma all the time....even though I live 1000 miles away and NO ONE tells me anything...I rarely get texts from the kids, I don't kn ow what the fuck the grandsons are doing...My parents don't call, so I don't know what the fuck they are doing...and I don't know what the fuck my sister or brothers are doing either...NO ONE talks to me....pretty much like it was when I was Melissa...
I kinda feel like I am in the witness protection program...I am so far away...name changed....appearance change....even automobile has changed...its like no one converses with me unless it is short and too the point...no chit chat....no love or anything like that...just cut and dry....
None of my family have come to visit me....they expect me to visit them....none of them have taken any interest in my new life...
Instead of my family getting behind me and supporting me through all the brain damage and issues and tumors and surgeries etc...and working with the memory loss and personality change and supporting me and adapting and accepting the new me...they have chosen to cast me aside.....I am not important enough to them for them to even try and understand me...FUCK THEM...
I have two cousins that call me Sparrow and somewhat support and love me....but they do not go out of their way to keep me in the folds of the family or visit me...thats okay...at least they call me "Sparrow"...that is more than my own immediate family will...
When will I not feel like an abandoned orphan? When will my family accept me and love me again? When will I feel a part of something again?
It is fucking sad that the only people who accept the new me, are the ones that didn't know the old me....so to them, I am Sparrow...that is all they know....but they are friends...
Its hurts that friends accept and love me as I am, but my family cannot....When will that ever change??? WHEN...
My parents refuse to call me Sparrow. My sister and x husband refuse to accept that I can't remember shit....I am ridiculed for forgetting events or times or whatever, I get "I told you already..." or shit like that....all the time...
My family assumes that I know everything that is going on in Oklahoma all the time....even though I live 1000 miles away and NO ONE tells me anything...I rarely get texts from the kids, I don't kn ow what the fuck the grandsons are doing...My parents don't call, so I don't know what the fuck they are doing...and I don't know what the fuck my sister or brothers are doing either...NO ONE talks to me....pretty much like it was when I was Melissa...
I kinda feel like I am in the witness protection program...I am so far away...name changed....appearance change....even automobile has changed...its like no one converses with me unless it is short and too the point...no chit chat....no love or anything like that...just cut and dry....
None of my family have come to visit me....they expect me to visit them....none of them have taken any interest in my new life...
Instead of my family getting behind me and supporting me through all the brain damage and issues and tumors and surgeries etc...and working with the memory loss and personality change and supporting me and adapting and accepting the new me...they have chosen to cast me aside.....I am not important enough to them for them to even try and understand me...FUCK THEM...
I have two cousins that call me Sparrow and somewhat support and love me....but they do not go out of their way to keep me in the folds of the family or visit me...thats okay...at least they call me "Sparrow"...that is more than my own immediate family will...
When will I not feel like an abandoned orphan? When will my family accept me and love me again? When will I feel a part of something again?
It is fucking sad that the only people who accept the new me, are the ones that didn't know the old me....so to them, I am Sparrow...that is all they know....but they are friends...
Its hurts that friends accept and love me as I am, but my family cannot....When will that ever change??? WHEN...
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Memories
So, on facebook this morning, I had a "memory" posted from 2016. The memory was what I had written for my 33 wedding anniversary to my then, husband.
Reading my post, it would appear that I was deeply in love with him.....now 3 years later, I am gone, from him....how did this happen?
I know that when I wrote that in Dec of 2016, It was on the heals of being in treatment for a suicide attempt and right after a big surgery, radical hysterectomy...I was on mountains of meds and still reeling from the surgery....did I love him then? I think maybe it was more that I was feeling helpless and hopeless and trying to talk myself into "loving" my husband and situation...
But when this was written, I had already been leaving him...in my head...I just felt trapped and imprisoned....I wanted more, but could not figure out what I wanted or needed...the next two years were a cluster fuck of feelings and emotions attacking my brain....
It took me two years to get up the courage to leave, to think for myself, to act for myself, to save myself....
Was I bald face lying in my post to my husband in 2016?? No, I do love him, or did love him, I think....I truly did not know what love was, how it felt, what it meant...I was in the system...the "old married folks, system" I was dying inside...I was loving because it was expected of me...a responsibility, a performance...it was not real....
Next week will be our "36" wedding anniversary...as we are still " married, but Legally Separated"....I am married on paper, but divorced in my heart....
Am I a fraud? am I an adulterer? am I a thief and family destroyer?" am I a bitch?
I am just a survivor, trying to survive and finally be happy, and at ease....at ease in my own home, at ease in my love for another, at ease with myself....I am trying to rest my mind.....
I will not apologize for "not loving my husband anymore, I will not apologize for leaving him and my kids..."
I don't remember writing that "love post" those three years ago, I don't remember any emotion one way or another by even reading the post...its just words...words that now, I am sad I wrote, because now those words are lies....I was lying back then and did not even realize it....sigh....
Reading my post, it would appear that I was deeply in love with him.....now 3 years later, I am gone, from him....how did this happen?
I know that when I wrote that in Dec of 2016, It was on the heals of being in treatment for a suicide attempt and right after a big surgery, radical hysterectomy...I was on mountains of meds and still reeling from the surgery....did I love him then? I think maybe it was more that I was feeling helpless and hopeless and trying to talk myself into "loving" my husband and situation...
But when this was written, I had already been leaving him...in my head...I just felt trapped and imprisoned....I wanted more, but could not figure out what I wanted or needed...the next two years were a cluster fuck of feelings and emotions attacking my brain....
It took me two years to get up the courage to leave, to think for myself, to act for myself, to save myself....
Was I bald face lying in my post to my husband in 2016?? No, I do love him, or did love him, I think....I truly did not know what love was, how it felt, what it meant...I was in the system...the "old married folks, system" I was dying inside...I was loving because it was expected of me...a responsibility, a performance...it was not real....
Next week will be our "36" wedding anniversary...as we are still " married, but Legally Separated"....I am married on paper, but divorced in my heart....
Am I a fraud? am I an adulterer? am I a thief and family destroyer?" am I a bitch?
I am just a survivor, trying to survive and finally be happy, and at ease....at ease in my own home, at ease in my love for another, at ease with myself....I am trying to rest my mind.....
I will not apologize for "not loving my husband anymore, I will not apologize for leaving him and my kids..."
I don't remember writing that "love post" those three years ago, I don't remember any emotion one way or another by even reading the post...its just words...words that now, I am sad I wrote, because now those words are lies....I was lying back then and did not even realize it....sigh....
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
Insecure mind
I am so fucking insecure...on the outside "people" may think I have it so together. I live by myself, drive a bad ass jeep, have nice things, a great guy...I am always told how beautiful I am, blah blah blah...but deep down, I am none of those things, not really.
When a child is told over and over how "bad", "stupid", "ugly", "wish you hand not been born", etc...their entire life, they will have insecurity issues forever. You never "get over it", you are constantly in your own head, questioning yourself..."do I look ok", "did I do something wrong", "apologizing all the time", "not holding eye contact with people" and "misinterpreting situations for the negative..all the fucking time..." Your mind just does not work right...can't reboot your brain...
Being insecure also destroys relationships...you have a hard time with criticism, you think everything is your fault, and you beat yourself up all the time.....
I might as well have been aborted, because my mind was aborted...my head was destroyed as a child and is now only held together by spit and glue....I am exhausting to be around, and I am the perfect scapegoat for others to dump on, because I dump on myself....I get blamed for shit, I did not do and instead of being angry at the injustice, I accept it and apologize...I accept that I am a fucking head case, I accept that I am not worthy of love, the fact that there a couple of people who do love me only makes me feel guilty and insecure. They will see my true colors eventually and not want me around...it always happens.
This is the mindset of an emotionally and verbally abused kid...now adult. My brain never matured because it was not allowed too....I can't hold a job, can't hold a man, can't hold on to even my sanity because of the abuse and insecurity I feel....It would have been much easier if the only abuse I sustained as a child was physical, bones heal, bruises heal, but words and actions stay forever in your brain...for ever, it is a cancer...eats at you every year instead of getting better, I am worse....
Being insecure also makes a person sabotage a good thing...we push people away before they can push us away...we make them hate us and want to go elsewhere...that is our defense....force a divide and retreat back to the hole we crawled out of....we are our own worst critics...
I don't fucking care how much "therapy" a person has, how "fucking saved" they get, it does not matter, a damaged brain is just that, damaged....can't reboot damaged, can't repair damage because there are no spare parts.
We stuff our feelings and thoughts because speaking them out loud only leads to enlargements and disagreements. When we do try and explain what we are thinking or feeling, it always comes out so fucking discombobulated that we sound like fucking idiots...because of course, we are. Not born idiots, but molded and shaped idiots....it is hyper easy to accept our worthlessness, but accepting positive is almost impossible, because positive always leads to negative with insecure damaged people....
The glass is always half empty....in an insecure mind... because there is a hole in the glass.....damaged
When a child is told over and over how "bad", "stupid", "ugly", "wish you hand not been born", etc...their entire life, they will have insecurity issues forever. You never "get over it", you are constantly in your own head, questioning yourself..."do I look ok", "did I do something wrong", "apologizing all the time", "not holding eye contact with people" and "misinterpreting situations for the negative..all the fucking time..." Your mind just does not work right...can't reboot your brain...
Being insecure also destroys relationships...you have a hard time with criticism, you think everything is your fault, and you beat yourself up all the time.....
I might as well have been aborted, because my mind was aborted...my head was destroyed as a child and is now only held together by spit and glue....I am exhausting to be around, and I am the perfect scapegoat for others to dump on, because I dump on myself....I get blamed for shit, I did not do and instead of being angry at the injustice, I accept it and apologize...I accept that I am a fucking head case, I accept that I am not worthy of love, the fact that there a couple of people who do love me only makes me feel guilty and insecure. They will see my true colors eventually and not want me around...it always happens.
This is the mindset of an emotionally and verbally abused kid...now adult. My brain never matured because it was not allowed too....I can't hold a job, can't hold a man, can't hold on to even my sanity because of the abuse and insecurity I feel....It would have been much easier if the only abuse I sustained as a child was physical, bones heal, bruises heal, but words and actions stay forever in your brain...for ever, it is a cancer...eats at you every year instead of getting better, I am worse....
Being insecure also makes a person sabotage a good thing...we push people away before they can push us away...we make them hate us and want to go elsewhere...that is our defense....force a divide and retreat back to the hole we crawled out of....we are our own worst critics...
I don't fucking care how much "therapy" a person has, how "fucking saved" they get, it does not matter, a damaged brain is just that, damaged....can't reboot damaged, can't repair damage because there are no spare parts.
We stuff our feelings and thoughts because speaking them out loud only leads to enlargements and disagreements. When we do try and explain what we are thinking or feeling, it always comes out so fucking discombobulated that we sound like fucking idiots...because of course, we are. Not born idiots, but molded and shaped idiots....it is hyper easy to accept our worthlessness, but accepting positive is almost impossible, because positive always leads to negative with insecure damaged people....
The glass is always half empty....in an insecure mind... because there is a hole in the glass.....damaged
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