Motherless

It is no secret that my mother did not like me.   She hated me as a baby and continued her distaste for me through adulthood....She has called me names, and undermined me to my own children...

We adopted my nephew when he was 7 yrs old.  My brother did not want him, nor did his mother, so my husband and I stepped in and adopted him into our family.  

My mom came to visit us...I had had some surgery and needed help with the house and the kids...

I was in my bedroom and decided to walk into the living room and watch some TV.  My mom was sitting on the couch with my adopted son and my birth son....As I was walking down the hallway I over heard my mother saying to my adopted son "Missy doesn't love you the way she loves .......and .........."  and she continued her conversation about me using him, blah blah blah....I could not believe what I was hearing...I walked into the room and told my mother to "get out"  out of my house now!  She stood up and grabbed a can of coke (that was open beside her) and she advanced at me, trying to hit me with the coke can, screaming her "hate of me"...all of this right in front of my kids...It was an awful thing for my boys to see.....I was so mad, upset etc...

My mother has always hated me, been disappointed in me, did everything she could to undermine my relationship with my kids.  She never had anything good or nice to say to me....She constantly berated me "you need to stop listening to that music, you need to grow up,. you need to dress your age...your hair looks terrible like that...etc....always negative, always demeaning and degrading...

She never attended any of my school events, she never attended any of my sporting events,  she never supported me in anything I ever tried....Can you imagine that???  

She treated me like it was my fault I was born....My fault for her unhappiness...and she used every opportunity to deny me, diss me, and abuse me...she abused me physically as a child, she hit me with shoes, sticks, anything she could find...and as an adulthood she abused me emotionally and verbally.....she made me regret every being born, over and over again...

I was a motherless child...I am still motherless...even though she is still alive, she is not my mother, she never was and never will be...

My mother overcompensated her lack of maternal instincts with me by pouring herself into my daughter...giving her a piano, going to all her recitals, sporting events, musicals etc...and trying to mold and shape her into the person that was NOT ME.   For years I was so jealous of my daughter...jealous that she had a dad that loved her and didn't abuse her, a mom who loved her, a family devoid of substance abuse and chaos..She had the childhood I could have only dreamed of...but most of all I was jealous because my mom was loving her, taking care of her, supporting her, encouraging her, etc...

My daughter was meant to be born,  so her life was good...she was wanted and loved...so different from my life...100% different than me...I am happy she was able to have that life, my boys are able to have had that life....I successfully gave my kids the life that I had only dreamed of and wished for...a life I did not have...

My kids could never say "my mom doesn't love me", they were secure in their love from mom and dad...their lives were secure and comfortable...they did not want for anything...

I only wanted to be loved....