Guilt

Leaving your family, your home, your life, hurts those who have loved and known you...They don't understand why, they are just butt hurt....

When I finally got the courage to leave, I knew it would hurt so many people, people I really care about and love...but staying was hurting me....could I just absorb all the hurt and stay so others don't have to be hurt?  I could not...

I was always told God, first, Others, second and yourself third...but third place was literally killing me...third place is not first....I feel you have to put yourself first, then the others will follow, you will be a better person, mother, wife, etc...if you work on yourself and become the priority..

but by doing this, then the guilt comes....guilty for being selfish, thinking only of yourself.  But don't you have to think of yourself???

The GUILT I feel for leaving my home, and family is astronomical, it literally can and does destroy me at times....as a mother, leaving a family is like a death sentence, but when living with that family is becoming a death sentence, what do you do???  You survive....

You try and make the best of a shit situation....I am trying my damnedest to survive, to work with a pile of jello for a brain and deal with the complexities of my brain....

but when my husband tells me how much he is suffering, how much he misses me, loves me, thinks of me, all he is doing is pushing me further and further away...he is hurting me...I can't help how I feel and he is just rubbing salt in a very tender wound....

Then when my own kids call me a home wrecker, a thief, and berate me and treat me like dog shit under their shoe because I "hurt" their dad......WHAT ABOUT ME????  I am hurting too, I did not mean for any of this to happen.....I did not marry thinking in 34 yrs I will leave....I married for life....I wanted happiness because I never had happiness....but "life' got in the way, illness and medical mistakes and malpractice literally changed every part of my mind...who I am, what I like or not like, what I do, how I act, what I remember, what I don't, what I believe or don't believe....it is like I went to sleep and my brain was switched out with another persons.......I AM NOT MELISSA....her brain is gone, and been replaced.....

But the guilt is still there....because my family will not let it go.....