An empty shell

My entire life, I was never taught how to love,   how to give love or how to receive love or how to handle it..fuck I was never even shown love...

I am extremely immature when it comes to the dynamic of love.

When I discover something that I really lovee or enjoy...I go overboard...I binge on whatever it is that I am "loving" at the moment...then the binge is over and I move on...

For most things, I just get bored or loose interest.   

I have never thought much about "love" and all the feelings and dimensions and activities love brings between two people..I am experiencing that now, and it is consuming my thoughts, my actions, and my direction.  I want more more more...I am like a fucking sponge trying to soak up every aspect of "love"....
I am an immature adolescent, seeking my own self-fulfillment and becoming angry when I can't get the "love" I want...
like a petulant child, throwing a damn temper tantrum...discounting the feelings of the other because I want it all now!!!

This was brought to my attention....I did not even realize I was becoming a "love" whore...thinking only of myself, my feelings, my wants and my needs and behaving so self-centered and selfish.

Once the curtain was lifted from my eyes, I was so shocked, dismayed and ashamed of myself.  I am a grown ass woman acting like a school girl with a crush.   ME ME ME

I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore...I am so ashamed of myself, the woman I have become...Narcissistic, entitled, spoiled, ridiculous....I should be mad at myself, mad enough to change, grow up...but how can I be mad of a shell?  an empty shell..

I want to crawl into a hole and never come out...I thought I cared about others, I thought I was a good person, but it was all an act, a sham, evidently...because at the core of me, I am none of those things....

How sad is that...how sad for love.