Dirty Secret, Deliberate my Heart....

Deliberate my heart
but make it quick
come on, tic toc
storms of confusion
return,
what's it gonna be?
My heart or my soul...
wash away the blame
black out the sun
what's it gonna be?


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The Dirty Secret

 I am the secret
hush hush
don't say a word..
phone rings
leave the room
camera out
get out of range
no pictures to post
not of the dirty little secret
no one can know
the dirty little secret
too many to be hurt
they won't understand
a lie by omission
but still I remain
the dirty little secret.....

Kit car

I know I am an emotional car wreck...
My brain races at break neck speeds...
I can't stop at the signs, I barrel through...
Half the time, I don't even see the signs, but they are out there....my headlights are so dim...
 by the time my eyes spot them, I am careening out of control, headlong into the pillars of my soul...
full on frontal impact...
With damage so great....I have no insurance to cover...no desire to repair....

So I muddle through with a defective body, beyond repair...
I am an eyesore to all those with beautiful spirits...
Not good enough to park on the front row...
so I stay on the outskirts, and inhale pollution...

I am not comfortable, my seats are bony and bare...I leak gas and oil, thru the constant flood of tears, barely running on empty...
Sometimes its just the fumes getting me by....

I get tickets over and over, warnings, cautions, but I stash them away in the glove box of my brain,....only to forget...never to heed...

I am constantly in a race with myself....racing to the finish line, but never getting there, always off course....always a flat tire of despair...

I have lost my title...I don't know who I am...what make? what model?  nothing distinctive and luxurious...

I am only a 3 cylinder, but my brain thinks I am an 8...Trying to live as an 8, trying to maneuver as an 8, trying to act like and appear as an 8...

nothing but a kit car...my brain....held together by duct tape and mismatched screws...destined for the demolition derby that will finally stop my vehicle...forever...

An empty shell

My entire life, I was never taught how to love,   how to give love or how to receive love or how to handle it..fuck I was never even shown love...

I am extremely immature when it comes to the dynamic of love.

When I discover something that I really lovee or enjoy...I go overboard...I binge on whatever it is that I am "loving" at the moment...then the binge is over and I move on...

For most things, I just get bored or loose interest.   

I have never thought much about "love" and all the feelings and dimensions and activities love brings between two people..I am experiencing that now, and it is consuming my thoughts, my actions, and my direction.  I want more more more...I am like a fucking sponge trying to soak up every aspect of "love"....
I am an immature adolescent, seeking my own self-fulfillment and becoming angry when I can't get the "love" I want...
like a petulant child, throwing a damn temper tantrum...discounting the feelings of the other because I want it all now!!!

This was brought to my attention....I did not even realize I was becoming a "love" whore...thinking only of myself, my feelings, my wants and my needs and behaving so self-centered and selfish.

Once the curtain was lifted from my eyes, I was so shocked, dismayed and ashamed of myself.  I am a grown ass woman acting like a school girl with a crush.   ME ME ME

I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore...I am so ashamed of myself, the woman I have become...Narcissistic, entitled, spoiled, ridiculous....I should be mad at myself, mad enough to change, grow up...but how can I be mad of a shell?  an empty shell..

I want to crawl into a hole and never come out...I thought I cared about others, I thought I was a good person, but it was all an act, a sham, evidently...because at the core of me, I am none of those things....

How sad is that...how sad for love.

Doesn't matter

Life doesn't matter...
That is obvious with abortion...war...politics...

It doesn't matter how much you love your kids, or how hard you try and be a good mother, wife, person, friend, whatever....it just fucking does not matter....

Because in the long run, your life is not worth it....you pour your life and love into your kids...they grow up and slap your face, talk down and judge you...they feel they can say anything they want to you....no respect...nothing

You give 34 yrs of your life to a man, who takes you for granted and only needs you for his needs...laundry, chores, finances, meals, etc...your needs are not important....

and when you finally say "what about me?"  you are labeled a selfish bitch...uncaring...wrong...sinful...blah blah blah...

Seems the only time any of my kids want to talk to me is for two things:  1.  to call me names and tell me what a fucking horrible person I am...and 2.  if they need something, money, or whatever...or to tell me something positive that is happening in their life...

But when it comes to me...SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND LEAVE....YOU ADULTERER, THIEF, SLUT, ETC...

If I could live my life over, knowing what I know now...I would have NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED, I WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD CHILDREN...I WOULD HAVE NEVER JOINED A FUCKING CHURCH AND TRY TO BE A GOOD CHRISTIAN.

I would have lived my life, only for me.   Because in the end, you is all you have...really....and what is "me"?  nothing.  I am nothing...

Listening

LISTENING

Listen to the rain,
sent from the heavens,
to quench a thirsty earth...

Listen to the earth,
screaming for more...
nurture us, sweet water
we are parched, dying...

Listen to the waves,
slapping the shore,
 violent rounds of abuse, feeding
sustained currents of anger...

Listen to the clouds,
as they shape and form,
with thunderous applause...

Listen, listen to the distant voices,
running against the wind,
crying out in burst of energy, 
streaking across a black night...

Listen to the storm,
as it grows within the souls,
of the damned....

Listen...

Accidental life

What good does it do to write about things from the past?
Is it edifying?   does it cleanse the soul?  no...

Writing does not make horrible events go away...it does not make them better...writing forces me to focus on an event I would much rather forget...

Does it help?   I don't think so....and really, does anybody even care?  no,  maybe my dog, but he can't read!

I was told my writings of my experience and situation can and could help others in the same position...well, only if they read my stuff....nobody does...and I don't blame them...who would want to read about a shit, depressed life?

Life is rank enough without reading about somebody else shit life...

I wish I had positive things to say....but I don't.   I wish I could say that by writing and starting this blog, I am on my way to mental recovery,  but I am not.

I am still that lost, stupid, lonely, piece of flesh that was accidentally born and accidentally raised...floundering around trying to get my footing on a slick slope...

this is my accidental life...

Motherless

It is no secret that my mother did not like me.   She hated me as a baby and continued her distaste for me through adulthood....She has called me names, and undermined me to my own children...

We adopted my nephew when he was 7 yrs old.  My brother did not want him, nor did his mother, so my husband and I stepped in and adopted him into our family.  

My mom came to visit us...I had had some surgery and needed help with the house and the kids...

I was in my bedroom and decided to walk into the living room and watch some TV.  My mom was sitting on the couch with my adopted son and my birth son....As I was walking down the hallway I over heard my mother saying to my adopted son "Missy doesn't love you the way she loves .......and .........."  and she continued her conversation about me using him, blah blah blah....I could not believe what I was hearing...I walked into the room and told my mother to "get out"  out of my house now!  She stood up and grabbed a can of coke (that was open beside her) and she advanced at me, trying to hit me with the coke can, screaming her "hate of me"...all of this right in front of my kids...It was an awful thing for my boys to see.....I was so mad, upset etc...

My mother has always hated me, been disappointed in me, did everything she could to undermine my relationship with my kids.  She never had anything good or nice to say to me....She constantly berated me "you need to stop listening to that music, you need to grow up,. you need to dress your age...your hair looks terrible like that...etc....always negative, always demeaning and degrading...

She never attended any of my school events, she never attended any of my sporting events,  she never supported me in anything I ever tried....Can you imagine that???  

She treated me like it was my fault I was born....My fault for her unhappiness...and she used every opportunity to deny me, diss me, and abuse me...she abused me physically as a child, she hit me with shoes, sticks, anything she could find...and as an adulthood she abused me emotionally and verbally.....she made me regret every being born, over and over again...

I was a motherless child...I am still motherless...even though she is still alive, she is not my mother, she never was and never will be...

My mother overcompensated her lack of maternal instincts with me by pouring herself into my daughter...giving her a piano, going to all her recitals, sporting events, musicals etc...and trying to mold and shape her into the person that was NOT ME.   For years I was so jealous of my daughter...jealous that she had a dad that loved her and didn't abuse her, a mom who loved her, a family devoid of substance abuse and chaos..She had the childhood I could have only dreamed of...but most of all I was jealous because my mom was loving her, taking care of her, supporting her, encouraging her, etc...

My daughter was meant to be born,  so her life was good...she was wanted and loved...so different from my life...100% different than me...I am happy she was able to have that life, my boys are able to have had that life....I successfully gave my kids the life that I had only dreamed of and wished for...a life I did not have...

My kids could never say "my mom doesn't love me", they were secure in their love from mom and dad...their lives were secure and comfortable...they did not want for anything...

I only wanted to be loved....

Truths that kill

How do I work through my "truth"...
How do I make peace with my past, yet not harm anyone?

As long as I am silent, there is peace....Peace for everyone but me...My soul is at war with my memories... My heart takes jabs at my mind...

To speak my "truths" will harm others....Will raise dozens of questions, and offend many...

Some of my "truths" may destroy lives, lives that have moved on..forgotten and put away awful history...should history stay history...Never to be studied..

What if I was asked, no, really "told" to never speak of some things again...yet I am speaking of them...I have to speak of them...so the nightmares will stop...

Am I ready to destroy relationships and uproot complacency just so I can sleep?  Walking away from a 34 yr marriage, destroyed many relationships within the family...am I ready to destroy the rest????

Am I brave enough to expose myself?  My truth?  Am I ready for the millions of questions?  the denials?  the why's? 

Am I ready to speak up for myself???  Can I?  Should I?

Is it okay for me to shut up the memories and lock them away, so they hurt no one else?   Can I continue to live with horror and rejection like I have been...?   

I write my truths in this blog....I write my truths in my heart...I live my truths every day.....and I suffer every day....

If I admit to my truths,  they will kill people, kill their spirit, kill their soul and kill any relationship I might of once had with them...do I risk that, just so I can be free???

How do you make peace with yourself when you have "truths that kill.."?

Listen to the children

when I was in first grade, or kindergarden, not sure which,  I lived with my mom, sister, baby brother and a monster...

A monster that would hunt me down, only to devour my childhood, to chew it up and spit it out....a monster that did unspeakable horrors to a little girl....and a mother who would do nothing to stop it....

a trapped little girl....

one day, I went to school and told my teacher that my "daddy" had been killed in a motorcycle accident....(wishful thinking)...she wrote a letter to my mother and had me give it to her....being a child, I could not read cursive, so I took the letter home and gave it to my mom...she read the letter and did not say a word...

when my "dad" got home, she showed him the letter from the teacher expressing her sadness and concern for our loss....I silently watched him read the letter....then he looked up at me, it was "that" look....I immediately felt scared and went to my room....He followed me...shut the bedroom door and sat on the bed...

I had been caught in my sincere lie...I wanted him dead, wished him dead, hated him....I was "screaming to that fucking teacher that something was wrong..." but she didn't listen...didn't see thru my lie...

"you want me dead?"  well then,  "you will have to kill me."..and with that he stood up and took off his belt and began striking me, everywhere, all over my body, I tried to run, I had nowhere to run...so I curled up in a ball as he hit me over and over and over with that leather belt, I felt his kicks to my sides, he ripped my hair out in clumps...called me every filthy word he could think of...he punished me for "lying", he punished me for "wishing him dead"  he punished me for living....

when the whooping was over, he spat on me and walked out, slamming the door....

I never cried....

Hole

there is a hole
in my soul...
a hole where love is,

feelings that slip thru...
and dangle heartache,
guilt and despair...

A patched up hole,
suffering leaks over and over..
fraying along the edges...

a hole where a heart should be
a soul could reside,  and guilt would
not be welcome...

there is a hole
in my soul...
where love was damaged..
and sadness, reigns...

A hole in my soul
that nothing can fix
and nobody can find...

a hole, in my soul....

Super Hero's

.First off, you do not have to be a soldier to have PTSD.
You can be a battered wife, sexually abused child, medical malpractice victim...any number of issues or experiences can bring on PTSD   Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

It has been made abundantly clear, I suffer from PTSD...mine brought on by extreme mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse as a young child and into my adulthood...

My PTSD presents itself in a number of ways:

I have over the top emotional reactions
inappropriate emotional outburst
exaggerated fears
severe mood swings
anxiety and apprehension of certain things, smells, places, etc...

I also have DID, MPD, or whatever the fuck the medical establishment is using as its term....Multiple Personality Disorder...

I have different personalities wrapped up in my brain...I am a little girl, a 6 yr old girl,  who has to play with toys in secret...
I am a bitter angry 19 yr old teenager...
I am a 57 yr old woman...

We have names, we have specific things we like and don't like, we have different ways of talking...we look different...two are left handed, one is right handed....we are three people in one body...
Like an egg....Shell, white and yoke, three things in one egg...

we work together as a team, for the most part...
To someone that does not really "know" me,  they would never know when I go from one personality to another, they just think that is Me...quirky, weird, whatever....

I lose time and have blocks in my day, I cannot account for...black outs....
when I am super stressed, angry, hurting myself, the teenager comes out and takes over....she calms me the fuck down and stops me from doing more damage to myself or my surroundings..she literally takes away any physical pain I have, and then erases the bad memory or action I have been in, from my memory...

when I am happy, feel safe or content, my little girl will come out and play...she is my stress relief, she puts me in an innocent mood and mindset...she is carefree and stress free....she just wants to be happy and play...

the teenager, hears, everything going on around me, all the time...the little girl sees everything going on around me all the time...they both can influence my decisions on things without my knowledge, really... for example:
             the little girl loves a certain type of potato chip,  I, on the other hand think they taste like shit....but often times while I am shopping, I end up with that bag of shitty chips...without realizing I am purchasing them.....

they also have triggers: like me:   if I am in extreme emotional or physical pain, that triggers the teenager to come out, and she will take the pain from my memory, oftentimes taking the entire event away from me, making me forget...She will go to great lengths to stop me from self-harm...she also protects my mind, by basically deciding what I can and cannot remember....

the little girl, loves toys and any type of play, she pops out if she thinks she will not be noticed...she often played with my grandsons and kids when they were small....she also tries to mimic me, she tries to be Sparrow...and only someone who really "knows me, and understands me" can see her and recognize her....others just think I am being very playful...

both girls, do not make themselves known to others, they cannot be called out and charged to do things by a stranger...like me, they have to learn to trust,  they have never trusted anyone except little kids....until now.

they also, change my facial features...my eyes darken, and my face has subtle changes, as does my voice and body movements...they are left handed, I am right handed...the little girl thinks she has red curly hair, the teenager thinks she has long straight hair and is ugly...

It has taken years for me to get to the point of talking about them,  I have someone now working with me, someone the "girls" trust and will show themselves too...I have always known about the teenager, in fact, the fucking christians thought she was a demon and tried to exorcise her from me...shit...

If you are reading this and don't understand...go back in my blog and read the little stories about two little girls...I am one of those girls...all those stories are actual things that happened to me...things my mind put away, things the little girl and the teenager shielded from me....blocked so I could be "normal"....without them, I would have grown up a much different woman....easily a serial killer or prostitute, drug addict, abusive mom, any number of things.....but those identities raised me........protected me...

I do not know a lot about them, I have no memories when they are out,  I do not know what they think or say....but I have scene videos of both of them, and it is fucking scary, yet fascinating as hell...
the person helping me has referred to them as "super hero's" because of their abilities...

I use to think I was all alone, a freak....but I now have a friend with alters,   I know of others with alters,  its amazing how many of us are really out there in the world....and we owe it all to some fucking horrible tragic event, usually in childhood...

So, there you go.....

a doll house memory

When I was a little girl, I only had one doll, a Chrissy doll..she was my toy...not my sisters or brothers, but mine....the only toy doll I had...

I never got to play with barbies or have a barbie house...,my daughter had the barbies, their house, car, clothes, furniture the whole gambit....I had none of that growing up.

So, now as an adult, my friend decided I need to play with dolls...so we made a house for my Chrissy doll, with two separate rooms, equipped with furniture and beds.  On one side of the "house" we cut a round window for the dolls to stand and look out of....why round?  beats me, I just opted for a round window.......and I opted for bird wallpaper in one room and horse wallpaper in another.  

At my friends house, they have toys, more specifically Barbie toys, lots of barbie dolls, clothes, a three story house, car, beds, horses everything...and I can play with them any time I like....

So, I set up the 3 story play house, added a side building, like an extra wing to the house, put the garage on the side of the wing...on the other side of the house I set up a fenced area for the horses...
this little house I also made a "fun" room,  with toys and instruments for the barbies.....it was so fun setting it up, changing the clothes on the dolls....I get to be that little girl who never had fun toys to play with.....

Yesterday, we were looking at the huge complex I had made with those dolls and their stuff....it was quite magnificent...then I got this really weird Dejavu...sense..,my heart started pounding so hard and my eyes filled up with tears....

In my play, setting up the toys...I had reconstructed my Uncle's home (unconsciously) ....a home that my daddy would take me too, when I was a small child...a home that was safe, fun, that I didn't have to worry about being beat or humiliated, I could just run through the halls, up and down the stairs and play with my cousins....it was like Disneyland to me.....I never wanted to leave there....my uncle had a fun room for the kids to play in, on the top floor (a converted attic) there was a round window, stained glass window, that overlooked the horses and the pasture...I could look through the stain glass and see the horses turn different colors and shapes...so cool.....my little lost girl, deep inside me, recreated her safe place....

Often I would prop my Chrissy doll up to look out that round window cut into the little doll house at my place...she was me looking out that window watching the horses...the answer as to why we cut out a round window was answered....

Most of my childhood memories are fucking awful, and bring me nightmares and fear....but this memory...was good...wonderful...and it still brought me to tears...but this time "good tears...".

Guilt

Leaving your family, your home, your life, hurts those who have loved and known you...They don't understand why, they are just butt hurt....

When I finally got the courage to leave, I knew it would hurt so many people, people I really care about and love...but staying was hurting me....could I just absorb all the hurt and stay so others don't have to be hurt?  I could not...

I was always told God, first, Others, second and yourself third...but third place was literally killing me...third place is not first....I feel you have to put yourself first, then the others will follow, you will be a better person, mother, wife, etc...if you work on yourself and become the priority..

but by doing this, then the guilt comes....guilty for being selfish, thinking only of yourself.  But don't you have to think of yourself???

The GUILT I feel for leaving my home, and family is astronomical, it literally can and does destroy me at times....as a mother, leaving a family is like a death sentence, but when living with that family is becoming a death sentence, what do you do???  You survive....

You try and make the best of a shit situation....I am trying my damnedest to survive, to work with a pile of jello for a brain and deal with the complexities of my brain....

but when my husband tells me how much he is suffering, how much he misses me, loves me, thinks of me, all he is doing is pushing me further and further away...he is hurting me...I can't help how I feel and he is just rubbing salt in a very tender wound....

Then when my own kids call me a home wrecker, a thief, and berate me and treat me like dog shit under their shoe because I "hurt" their dad......WHAT ABOUT ME????  I am hurting too, I did not mean for any of this to happen.....I did not marry thinking in 34 yrs I will leave....I married for life....I wanted happiness because I never had happiness....but "life' got in the way, illness and medical mistakes and malpractice literally changed every part of my mind...who I am, what I like or not like, what I do, how I act, what I remember, what I don't, what I believe or don't believe....it is like I went to sleep and my brain was switched out with another persons.......I AM NOT MELISSA....her brain is gone, and been replaced.....

But the guilt is still there....because my family will not let it go.....

another thing...

Another thing about chronic head pain and frontal lobe brain tumors and damage is they make you stupid as hell.   You become so damn gullible and easily manipulated because you just flat can't think straight, confusion is constant.  Trying to reason, or figure some things or situations out, are maddening at times...thus, you are easily used and abused and taken advantage of...

You also, fly off the handle so goddamn fast...Before you know it, you are in the midst of a shitstorm that trashes your home, and trashes your life...then you "wake up" from the craziness and go "what the fuck??"  How did that happen...?? 

All you do is apologize, for everything, all the damn time...I am sorry I said that, I am sorry I did that, threw that, smashed that, broke that, called you that, etc....my days are spent apologizing for behavior I cannot control...trying to put others at ease, trying not to offend people...omg, its fucking exhausting...

You never feel good enough, smart enough, because you know you have shit for brains...it eats at your self esteem to the point you have none left and have to rely on someone else to make you feel better....because left up to you you will never feel better.  You will tear yourself down at every fucking opportunity.   

You look in a mirror and you do not see your reflection, your face, your features,  you see a broken brain, a hideous disfigurement, a gross person...

You become the "butt" of jokes, blonde jokes...you laugh along when you really want to run and hide and cry...you experience emotions that are not normal.   Inappropriate feelings for situations...you fly off the handle like a fucking bomb and destroy everything around you...then later, quietly clean up the mess between tears and regret...

You cannot accept your "new" normal, and neither can anybody else, especially those close to you...they get offended and slink off, leaving you lonely, rejected and bitter, again.

Not to mention the chronic fucking head pain that NEVER goes away....NEVER...a constant goddamn pain that takes you to the brink of madness every day...its a fucking miracle you can even survive.

But the worst, is that you know it is just a matter of time before you destroy everything and everyone around you....because this is the new and improved you.   Thank you frontal lobe tumors...Fuck me

Suicide attempt

After I was detoxed off all those fucking meds, pain management had me on, I fell hard into depression.   At the same time, an old high school friend  reconnected with me on facebook, a lot like most of my high school friends have..friends I could not remember at all...

I could not get into a neurologist (my former one closed her business for a family emergency)...I had preexisting brain tumors with complications...I needed help so bad, but could not get any, it was so frustrating.   I was having to make all the calls to try and find a doctor, I was having to deal with insurance, and I get confused so easily and this was literally freaking out my head...

I would try and tell this to my husband, but all he would do was "pray for God to get me an appointment" and tell me he could not help me while he was at work...He would not make any phone calls for me.  He was no support at all, he did nothing to try and fix the situation with doctors, nothing....

I was crashing bad with the depression, but tried to keep it light on facebook, nothing is wrong here....but my one friend, read between the lines, and called me...a conversation started...

I opened up to them about my frustrations, my depression, my suicidal ideology...and they listened...

One day,  I was done.  I could not live anymore, nobody would hear me...even when I screamed, it fell on deaf ears...

I went to the garage, made sure all doors and windows were closed...I got into my truck, closed the door, cracked a window and turned it on....turned the truck on...

While I was laying on the front seat, thinking about what message to leave on my cell phone.....it rang....the number was that friend...I could not believe the timing, so I answered the phone, just to tell them goodbye.  I was getting really tired and sleepy and they could tell something was wrong.

"Where are you/"
"In my car.."
"are you driving.."
"no"
"is the car on?"
"yes"
"where are you?"
"in the garage...."

Somehow, that friend knew to call me, that friend knew what to say, what to ask, what to do....
They talked me out of that car.  Saved my life...

My friend called a couple days later, I was still in so much pain, could get no help from the medical establishment or my husband, I was discouraged, frustrated, angry, tired and had had enough.  Suicide seemed the only answer...My friend, who worked in a hospital, knew exactly how to get me to the head of the line for help.  But to do this, they had to manipulate me, deceive me and lie to me by omission... I was led to believe, by going to the emergency room and telling them I was suicidal, I would immediately get the help I needed, something for the pain....So, stupid, ignorant, dumb ass, vulnerable me listened to them and went to the emergency room...I was taken quickly to a room, a police officer was placed by my door, and I had now became a prisoner.   I was held against my will for most of the evening until finally some type of fuck court order was signed.
I was taken by police to a treatment center (psych hospital) and held there against my will,  14 days.....

I hated my friend, saved my life only to have me committed....

I no longer hate my friend, I love my friend beyond the definition of love...

This friend saved me, from myself and continues to save me from myself daily...and the need to "save" is getting less and less frequent, because this friend is actually doing something to fix my issues, taking interest in me, pleading my case, demanding attention for me from the medical department...doing things for me my own fucking husband should have been doing, but decided to let God do it for him.and/or he was too busy at work....what a goddamn joke...

I am alive today because of my friend, I continue to live, because of my friend....thank you

WHY Christianity is a fucking sham.....

I would like to explain why I personally, am anti-religion and anti-christian god.......also anti-satan, heaven and hell, and angels....

As far as I can remember,  even as a very small child, I was extremely abused in every way possible, while my "mother" watched and didn't try to help.....EVER yet she trotted us off the Vacation Bible School and other church functions...

I attended a Baptist church as a teenager....one Saturday night, I was taken to the church by a boyfriend...I was drugged, laid on an alter and a baby pig was sacrificed on my belly....in the name of Satan...but I was told it was a baby, infant (and for years  I believed it was an infant).....the Satanist were deacons of that baptist church...Sunday morning there they were blessing and praying for others and collecting the offering.....

I have watched so-called Christians minister to others, then drink themselves drunk, cheat on their spouses, watch porn, swear and eat like fucking pigs, but Sunday morning  "Praise god from which all blessings flow..."""  HYPOCRITES

I worked as a church secretary for about 8 mos, baptist church...in those months, the minister of education fondled my hair and rubbed my neck and told me "the only thing my wife is good at is making babies, I bet you are good at more alot more...."  Also as secretary, I found porn magazines in the church dumpster that belonged to three different deacons (had their names and addresses on the mags)...why was I in the dumpster?  I accidentally threw away a payroll stub and had to go and find it, but surprise....fuck HYPOCRITES

I have had more come-ons and sexual innuendos from so-called christian men than I can even count.....my own personal family of so-called born again christian bible thumping people I watch eat gummy bears that are marijuana and prescribed to a cancer patient, because they love how it makes them feel....I have watched them cuss, get drunk, tell dirty jokes, be racist worse than the KKK, fucking gossip until their heads are spinning, and eat like pigs and get fatter than shit and then ask for prayer because they had a heart attack or became diabetic...FUCK THAT...HYPOCRITES

My X husband, instead of working with me, trying to help me in my brain tumor department and in my struggles, trying to fix my issues best he could, he would just retreat to his little office get on his knees and pray for god to do it.....SEE WHERE THAT GOT HIM...!!!!!

BUT THIS IS THE KICKER....

My "mother" (and she is in quotes because she was only a mother by biology) and new stepdad, decided to enroll in the Baptist Seminary University in Ft Worth TX.   If, you have been divorced, you have to write a letter to the seminary telling them "why" you divorced and decide if it was it biblically ok.  My step dad caught his wife in bed with another man, adultery.. he was admitted .

My "mother" was on her third marriage...I was a product of the first marriage....and there was no biblical reason she could claim for leaving him....the second marriage was violent and brutal, reason to leave sanctioned by the seminary.    So she completely omitted my existence and her first marriage...only acknowledged my sister and brother...I read the goddamn letter.....NOW, my step dad knew what her letter said and let it go.....So both of them covered up mamas little sin......then when he was pastor of a church,  I was never allowed to acknowledge my birth father, only him as my dad....my own (bio) father could not come to his granddaughters church recitals because then the "dirty little secret would come out"....I WAS THE DIRTY LITTLE SECRET...HYPOCRITES

It was not even until I was in the 6th grade did I find out my birth father was not a distant uncle, but my father!!!!  CHRISTIANS HAVE LIED TO ME, ABUSED ME AND TRIED TO GUILT ME ALL MY LIFE....

CHRISTIANS AREN'T PERFECT JUST FORGIVEN??? THAT IS THE PERFECT DEFENSE FOR A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLES.   HAVING YOUR CAKE AND EATING IT TOO....

At least I am honest, I will not tell you one thing and do another...if I am gonna swear, fuck....if I am gonna watch porn, I will invite you, if I am gonna get drunk, it won't be alone, and I will not say "I will pray for you"  I will actually do something for you that actually helps....

If you as a bible thumping christian want to proclaim god..then you better damn well study that bible and adhere to it...AND LIVE EVERY DAMN WORD

Sin, according to the bible
-"gluttony" (how many fat preachers and fat christians are there? with all their pot luck dinners???)
-"adultery" (even looking upon another mans wife in lust is adultery), how many watch porn, and have pornographic magazines...affairs...
"murder" (how many abortions in the name of "rape" or "not convenient or embarrassment to the family are there)
-Your body is the temple of God (smokers, glutony, fast food, drinkers...etc...)
-Obey the laws of the land (scripture," render unto Ceaser what is ceasers") embezzlers, speeders, shop lifters, non tithers, tax fraud, cheaters....
-"homosexuality" (can you say catholic priests??) and church members...
-"love of money",  greed, materialism, workaholics, fraud building bigger and better churches...evangelist with airplanes and mansions..TITHE TITHE TITHE  HYPOCRITES

the list goes on and on....."BORN IN SIN"...you mean to tell me two "christian" parents, married, conceive a child to be born into sin????? a child who had no part of his birth...???this child has a sin-nature???????   THIS CHILD LEARNS SIN FROM THE HYPOCRITICAL PARENTS AND CHURCH HE IS RAISED IN.

You are taught by fear, and guilt by the church....Fear of Hell, and guilt for living....AND YOUR FUCKING LIFE IS SO FULL OF GODDAMN DON'TS YOU SUFFOCATE...

FUCK THAT