Triggers

Everyone has triggers, something that sets them off, for either good or bad....

I have many triggers, half of them seem so dumb...
The smell of a bus station literally sends me into a panic attack....

Fog, causes panic attacks for me, as do bridges, cliffs, fog, parking garages and elevators (if 4 or more people are on an elevator, I will not get on)  and I only ride elevators if I am going higher than 5 floors...rest of the time I hike the stairs...

Seasons, especially the holiday season, sets off my depression and triggers many many anxious and panic attacks...

Having something on my hands I cannot wash off, will send me into a full blown panic attack...a total freak out...

Large, loud, crowded spaces cause panic attacks....ie..sports venues, concerts, state fairs, movie theaters, shopping malls..

Airplanes are a big anxiety fuck for me too...

FRUSTRATION always gives way to panic attacks...
Low blood sugar, forget about it, I become psycho..

Very loud thunderstorms bring on panic attacks...
Not being able to sleep, insomnia, is another trigger...

And not being able to remember something, fucks me up so bad too...

Bunnies and puppies and babies also can cause full blown panic attacks...which is why I do not do rabbits, puppies or infant babies...

For me, all these phobias, fears and crap are a direct result to the fucking shitty childhood I had, to the constant mental, emotional and physical abuse I sustained pretty much my entire life...

I will never be whole...or cured...or whatever...but I am learning to accept and acknowledge my "insecurities" and "others" and to deal with the emotional baggage I carry all the time...Its a pathetically long journey with the only  happy ending being death...

Yet I amble on...fighting myself tooth and nail...doing everything I can to avoid my triggers...and accept myself...fuck and all....