Out of Control

Yesterday,  we took a drive through the Blue Ridge Mountains during their peak foilage time...simply stunning, the beauty....the day was suppose to be an easy beautiful day of driving and spending time with nature....

But nooooooooooo,  at one point I got out of the car to take a picture and left my Headache sunglasses on the top of the car...I realized this after we had driven off down the road....

Insert full fucking blown panic attack here....literally I was freaking out I had lost them, or a car was going to drive over them (these glasses are over 300 dollars and specially designed for brain tumor and seizure patients)...OMG  I was out of control upset.....we did find them in the road, unscathed.....

Then we had been driving for 3 hours and I had to pee, we go into a local restaurant, during a busy lunch time, and the bathrooms were closed for cleaning.....I was cramping because I had to pee so bad, and I again, had another panic attack, not as bad as the first, but still awful....who the fuck closes bathrooms for cleaning during a lunch rush???????? fucking stupid restaurant...

Then later that night, just before bed, I needed to eat something because my insulin levels were dropping, so I was trying to shell a hard boiled egg, and it fucking fell apart so I chunked it, got another hard boiled egg out, tried to take the shell off that one, it fucked up as well, and I lost it....threw the fucking eggs against the sink and had, yet another full blown fucking panic attack....

I am talking where I hit myself, for self harm, call myself all kinds of horrible things, my hands shake, I can't think straight, I start sweating, my heart rate sky rockets, my insulin plummets and I literally become a fucking demon!!!

This is me,  ANYTHING can cause a panic attack, the slightest frustration can push me over the edge....I HATE THIS...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE THE EMBARRASSMENT MY FUCKING BEHAVIOR CAUSES OTHERS...

Then stop...you say???? If only it were that easy.....shit.