Triggers

Everyone has triggers, something that sets them off, for either good or bad....

I have many triggers, half of them seem so dumb...
The smell of a bus station literally sends me into a panic attack....

Fog, causes panic attacks for me, as do bridges, cliffs, fog, parking garages and elevators (if 4 or more people are on an elevator, I will not get on)  and I only ride elevators if I am going higher than 5 floors...rest of the time I hike the stairs...

Seasons, especially the holiday season, sets off my depression and triggers many many anxious and panic attacks...

Having something on my hands I cannot wash off, will send me into a full blown panic attack...a total freak out...

Large, loud, crowded spaces cause panic attacks....ie..sports venues, concerts, state fairs, movie theaters, shopping malls..

Airplanes are a big anxiety fuck for me too...

FRUSTRATION always gives way to panic attacks...
Low blood sugar, forget about it, I become psycho..

Very loud thunderstorms bring on panic attacks...
Not being able to sleep, insomnia, is another trigger...

And not being able to remember something, fucks me up so bad too...

Bunnies and puppies and babies also can cause full blown panic attacks...which is why I do not do rabbits, puppies or infant babies...

For me, all these phobias, fears and crap are a direct result to the fucking shitty childhood I had, to the constant mental, emotional and physical abuse I sustained pretty much my entire life...

I will never be whole...or cured...or whatever...but I am learning to accept and acknowledge my "insecurities" and "others" and to deal with the emotional baggage I carry all the time...Its a pathetically long journey with the only  happy ending being death...

Yet I amble on...fighting myself tooth and nail...doing everything I can to avoid my triggers...and accept myself...fuck and all....

Out of Control

Yesterday,  we took a drive through the Blue Ridge Mountains during their peak foilage time...simply stunning, the beauty....the day was suppose to be an easy beautiful day of driving and spending time with nature....

But nooooooooooo,  at one point I got out of the car to take a picture and left my Headache sunglasses on the top of the car...I realized this after we had driven off down the road....

Insert full fucking blown panic attack here....literally I was freaking out I had lost them, or a car was going to drive over them (these glasses are over 300 dollars and specially designed for brain tumor and seizure patients)...OMG  I was out of control upset.....we did find them in the road, unscathed.....

Then we had been driving for 3 hours and I had to pee, we go into a local restaurant, during a busy lunch time, and the bathrooms were closed for cleaning.....I was cramping because I had to pee so bad, and I again, had another panic attack, not as bad as the first, but still awful....who the fuck closes bathrooms for cleaning during a lunch rush???????? fucking stupid restaurant...

Then later that night, just before bed, I needed to eat something because my insulin levels were dropping, so I was trying to shell a hard boiled egg, and it fucking fell apart so I chunked it, got another hard boiled egg out, tried to take the shell off that one, it fucked up as well, and I lost it....threw the fucking eggs against the sink and had, yet another full blown fucking panic attack....

I am talking where I hit myself, for self harm, call myself all kinds of horrible things, my hands shake, I can't think straight, I start sweating, my heart rate sky rockets, my insulin plummets and I literally become a fucking demon!!!

This is me,  ANYTHING can cause a panic attack, the slightest frustration can push me over the edge....I HATE THIS...I HATE MYSELF...I HATE THE EMBARRASSMENT MY FUCKING BEHAVIOR CAUSES OTHERS...

Then stop...you say???? If only it were that easy.....shit.

Fears to Joy

Everyone has fears....fear of spiders, snakes, heights etc...
I don't fear those types of things, well maybe "falling" like from great heights...but that is a fucking safety issue!! 

I fear rejection.  
I fear humiliation.
I fear losing, everything...
For me, the glass is always half empty...the other shoe is about to drop..if it's too good to be true...nobody truly can love....because love is pain, rejection, betrayal, humiliation...all in the name of love...
I fear love.
I fear laying open my soul, to someone else...
I fear revealing every aspect of myself, body, soul, and emotion..
I fear being alone..

Why do I feel this way?  
Why can't I trust honesty?
I am crippled by this mindfuck...I am crippled by doubt...distrust...suspicion...fear...pain...

I have voices in my head that have told me, my entire life..."hide"..."keep secrets"..."trust nobody"...and experience has proven this to be true...don't reveal yourself, your real self...protect your mind....fear others....or you will regret it...and I have...tried to trust, love...only to be smashed to smithereens....

Goddess teach me trust, true honest pure trust...with no hesitation, no regrets and no fear of destruction...show me that there is no hypocrisy with trust.

Goddess show me real love....show me how to love myself  and to love back,  give me virgin love....
Take away the memories, take away the hurt...take away the hate...
Purge me, Goddess, of my fears, purge me of myself....
turn my fears to joy...

STUPID STUPID STUPID

STUPID:  having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense....A lack of ordinary quickness and keenness of mind;, dull.inane, pointless....stupid

STUPID:  DEFINITION NUMBER TWO:   Sparrow


Along with all the bullshit having brain injuries and brain fucks is you become a stupid fucking idiot.

My brain is confused so easily,  i can't comprehend some things that are fucking staring me straight in the face...

I forget fucking everything...I get so aggravated and lose my temper so easily...only a stupid person allows their emotions to run away with them..

My mother was right all along....she raised me calling me stupid, good for nothing, etc...and SHE WAS SO GODDAMN RIGHT. 

I don't know what I was thinking moving away and living on my own....I can't even do an online computer registration without fucking getting so damn confused and aggravated to the point where my stupid fuck brain freezes...

I NEED A FULL TIME FUCKING BABY SITTER....

I NEED TO BE LOCKED UP AND THE KEY THROWN AWAY...

I AM A TRUE EMBARRASSMENT TO ALL BLONDES...

MY YOUNG GRANDSONS ARE SMARTER THAN ME....

I AM DUMB, STUPID, IGNORANT, UGLY, GROSS, SELFISH, PATHETIC, RETARDED

Here I thought the brain injury and tumors caused my stupidity, when I was actually born stupid...
Mamma was also stupid...she was stupid for giving birth to a waste of flesh like me.....
why didn't you abort me?????  the stupidest decision you ever made, mommy dearest...

A year

So, it has been a year since I moved away from Oklahoma and settled in Virginia.  Alot has happened.   A lot has changed.  I am finally learning my way around, I still get lost, but not as much.   I am still amazed by the beauty of the mountains, the green green green of the trees, and grass.   I love seeing the wildlife everywhere, sitting on my treehouse balcony, I see raccoons, deer, snakes, all kinds of birds, a black bear occasionally, squirrels, chipmonks.  I live very close to a lake, so I purchased Kayaks and kayak the river and lakes,  I love the outdoors.  Who knew??

Not only has my scenery changed from flat land to mountainous land, but my physical appearance has changed.

My hair is grown out, no longer short.  I have lost 20 pounds, so I am alot smaller...my clothing has changed, I no longer have to dress like a preachers wife, I can dress anyway I choose,  I don't have to attend church or act like a "christian", I don't have to worry about offended family with my non church ways...I can walk around naked in my own house, with the windows open and not get lectured about "someone might see me"....OMG, I don't have to be a fucking prude anymore.  I can eat when and where and how I feel, don't have to be on any kind of schedule....I can watch any movie I want without having to mute the sound because of cuss words, and if I wanna watch porn or a movie with sex and nudity, I CAN...If I want to play my rock music loud, I can....I no longer have a babysitter and fucking rules.....I can go to a bar, have a drink or too and not get lectured when I get home....I no longer have to please anybody but myself.    

Maybe that sounds all selfish and shit, but 34 yrs living with your dad/husband/christian/rule maker/guilt giver/roomate who has so many fucking damn rules and no room for negotiation or compromise...I might of as well been in prison....leaving Oklahoma and my husband was the HANDS DOWN BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE...

I am learning to live with brain tumors and injury and the other issues I have,  I am adapting to my new space of life.  I have people around me here who take care of me, helping me to adapt my apartment and life in a way that I can be independent.  Live independently and I am!!!  In Oklahoma, my husband did not let me learn to live in my new head, I had to follow his rules and learn to live and adapt to his stupid fuck rules...this destroyed us.   

Now I am free.    A year has passed so quickly, it has been so hard at times, like when my grandson died....the trips back to Oklahoma for that were gut wrenching....I am so thankful I had my mountain home to come back too....

I don't know what this next year will bring....but I know one thing...I am never going back to Oklahoma.  Virginia is now my home...