The Monarch Butterfly

I was sitting in my jeep...at an intersection...I had the windows down, it was such a beautiful sunny crisp autumn day...

I layed my head against the head rest, waiting for the light to change...

I noticed to my left, just outside the car, a lone Monarch Butterfly...she was fluttering against the breeze, I watched her...

She flew into my open drivers seat window...fluttered in my face a minute, then flew out the passenger side window, exactly when the light turned green....

I started thinking about that butterfly......she randomly picked my jeep to make an entrance and exit...she picked my car to greet me with her slight hello....

She was just passing thru to show me beauty, to show me softness, to show me just how fragile she is....

I am that butterfly, we all are......just passing thru life,   fragile souls in a sea of storms....

forgetting

I forgot to laugh,
when I was happy...

I forgot to cry,
when I was sad..

I forgot to answer,
when I heard you....

I forgot to respond,
when I was there...

I forgot to swim,
when I was drowning...

I forgot to live,
when I was dying....

Only

She's only happy when you hurt her...
   only smiling when she cries.

She's only laughing when she's screaming
   only lonely when you're near..

She's only talking but you're not listening
   only seeing with her eyes closed..

She's only crying when you're sleeping
   only loves, when you are gone...

The Game

She is taken to a remote, privately owned island...
The game is about to begin...
It is early morning, barely dawn..
the fog is thick, menacing, stifling...
They are ready, to begin...

She is stripped, save for a cape...
and told to run...
She gets a 10 minute head start...

But where to run?
How to run, when she can't see...the fog, thick in her vision...
She has to run until she hears the bells, game over..

If she gets caught, she is at the mercy of whoever catches her...
She is scared...private land, no rules...

She runs, hits a fence, trips over unseen branches and thick sand...
she hears their breathing, their footsteps...
She can't see, where to go?? which way?? 
Panic...why aren't the bells ringing???

She sees a hand reaching to her from the mist...it looks detached,  a ghost grabbing at her ...
She slaps it away and tries to run...it grabs her and pulls her down...
She is caught...no bells ringing...at their mercy...

What is happening to her, leaves her mind...she floats above the chaos, the pain, the grunts and groans and howls of pleasure...
She still wins the game...IN her mind...
The bells start to ring....
too late for her.....she hides her fear, in the fog...
the bells soothe her....
the game is over....

I See

When I look up...
I see clouds chasing the wind...
I see birds circling their prey...
I see trees reaching for the heavens...

When I look down...
I see the earth swallowing water..
I see bugs scurrying here and there...
I see grass poking up, searching...

When I look behind...
I see what is coming...
I see what I have left...
I see a forgotten past...

When I look ahead...
I see confusion..
I see life coming towards me..
I see confrontation...

When I look all around...
I see chaos..
I see mysteries..
I see unfamiliarity...

When I close my eyes..
I see a perfect death...
I see completion..
I see rest....

A Boy born to die....

A boy was born.  
10 fingers, 10 toes...perfect.
A beautiful baby boy...
he grows into a sweet toddler,
walking, testing, playing, crying, laughing...
He becomes school age,
anxious for school, anxious to grow up...
He plays sports, he is so smart...
He is happy, he is a big brother...
He is an old soul, 
always thinking of others...so much an empath...
He also was sick alot.
as a baby, as a toddler, as a young boy...always sick..
He attends preschool, kindergarten, 
first grade, second grade...
He turns 8 yrs old...Happy Birthday....
Happy last birthday...
He becomes sick, again, what is wrong now???
He has cancer...in the brain....he IS truly sick now....
No jokes, no attention getting illness, no cure....
A beautiful baby boy, perfect...but born to die...

Welcome to the world, Gage....
Goodbye...said the world...you were only...
Born to Die

Starburst

I went into the room to see Gage...he was sleeping I thought, so I bent over his bed to give him a kiss on the forehead...

without opening his eyes, he said "I smell starburst"......he was smelling my watermelon flavored lip gloss...

I asked him if he wanted me to put some on his lips, and he said yes, and pursed his lips up for me....I rubbed my lipgloss on him and he pushed his lips up so he could smell the sweet aroma...

Gage can no longer eat, drink or swallow his own spit....all he has now is his sense of smell.....

I left my lipgloss with him....

chordoma is evil

Christians............

In the christian religion, especially baptist religion, you are pressured from literally birth to get saved....

Sunday school, vacation bible school, summer camps, church, Wednesday services etc....

Most children in the church are saved by 7-9 yrs old, then baptized and going to heaven......

Supposedly there is an "age of accountability", so in the church they push that accountability on you from the first time you darken the doors....children going to all those events are accountable, at least by church rules...

But what if the kids don't go to church, or the parents?  Where is salvation then?????????

Someone put on Facebook, that "Gage had gone on to be with the Lord in Heaven".....I wanna say that is the biggest bunch of bullshit ever.....

Gage did not go to church, nor did his parents, he never got saved or baptized but he was certainly at the age where he is accountable....Is he really in gods bosom right now???

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...there is no god, no heaven, no hell....Gage is stardust, energy.  Not some dumb fuck angel somewhere...shit...

Christianity was made up to help soothe your conscious...to make money and control and manipulate people, pure and simple.

Watching a young boy die of a horrible disease, after hearing and reading all the "prayers for healing" etc...despite all their beliefs that god heals or whatever, Gage still died...all those wasted stupid fuck prayers....NO GOD would kill a kid, so someone else might get saved....that is not a LOVING god, that is an evil god,...and I do not believe gods are evil....so, that simply means their is no christian god and christian heaven and christian hell....Made up lies and stories that have just been passed down through the generations to incite fear and guilt.

So all you brainwashed, super stupid and ignorant christians...open your eyes!!!  Think for yourself....stop being dependent on a "fictional character"  and grow up.

Chordoma

My grandson, 8 yr old Gage is dead of Chordoma...brain cancer. 

 

 It is the fuck worse disease in the world for a child...it slowly decapitates the person, literally growing until the person is completely beheaded....spinal cord severed at brain stem.....

The first sign, pain in the neck, and flu like symptoms
then difficulty swallowing, talking, actute headaches and pain
then not being able to swallow at all
loss of motor function of limbs
and eventually the brain is starved of oxygen and you die....

This happened to my grandson in the course of 2 mos, from diagnosis to death.....

Try watching a vibrant healthy little boy go from normal, to decapitated in 2 mos...it is sickening...

Gage's last day alive

His organs will be donated so maybe some other kids can live through whatever horror awaits them....

His brain and chordoma tumor, will be donated to the Chordoma Organization for study....

He will be thrown in a casket and dropped in the ground and life goes on....without Gage.....

We get to have a life, but Gage was robbed of his....