shy bladder

Once upon a time, a daddy came home from work, he was angry, drunk and in a mood...He started yelling at the mom and the little girl knew he was going to become violent...so she ran to the bathroom and shut the door.   After all, when one is in the bathroom
as a rule, people leave them alone....

Well the little girl was in there too long....the dad started banging on the door, then pushed it open and came in...the little girl was sitting on the floor, scared...

Dad: " the bathroom is for pissing, get on that toilet now...."

He grabbed her hair and raised her from the floor, pushed down her panties and slammed her onto the toilet and told her to "pee"....

she did not have to pee, she only went into the bathroom to get away and be safe.....

the dad slapped her head, "pee now", she could not, he continued to slap her head...still she wouldn't pee....

finally he grabbed her by the hair and dragged her through the house and pushed her out the back door saying "go outside and pee like the dog you are...."....

that little girl still as an adult, cannot pee in front of anybody...she tells everyone she has a "shy bladder", but in reality it is way more than that.....but she keeps it to herself....

Among the dead

As I sit among the dead,
I feel life.
I see the strength of the trees
pumping air into its leaves..
I feel its roots
absorbing every nutrient that
is provided by ancient bones and rotting flesh..

As I sit among the dead,
I rest my feet on the warm blanket of earth
that tucks them in...
I hear the useless prayers
whispered through their voices in time..
and endless chant, "save me, save me..."
as it drifts and fades..

As I sit among the dead,
I ponder the stories that are written
in the birds song
and etched upon the headstones...
I wonder why this soothes me,
and why do I:   sit among the dead...

You know....

You know,
   when you are told by your mother that you are a worthless person, and she had wished you were never born...

You know,
   when you are told you are stupid and good for nothing, 
   your entire life....

You know,
   when you are ignored, or dismissed, or not paid attention to or acknowledged...

You Know,
   when you are never thanked for anything good you might do or say, but ridiculed because it was not done right or said right....

  You know,
       when you are punished beyond what is reasonable, or punished for things you did not do....

You know,
       when you are bullied for being too skinny or white, or a girl

You know,
       when you are taken advantage of because of what you have to give...
       when you always do what others want to do, but never do what you want to do, because others don't want to...

You know,
        when you only do things to please others at the detriment of yourself....
  Or you suggest something that is ignored or voted down...

IT FINALLY HITS HOME...
        
THAT IS WHEN IT IS APPARENT THAT YOU ARE NOTHING BUT TRASH, AND ALWAYS WILL BE...

No Voice

Her whole life, since she was a child, she has been dismissed.  
When she speaks, she is ignored.
When she is talking, she is interrupted.
when she is talking, they watch TV,  piddle with their phones, or simply leave the room...or change the subject.

She may be talking about something specific, and the response is something not even related to her topic...they don't listen as she speaks...

She may be allowed to speak,  they tolerate her, but there is no response to her.  No acknowledgement of anything she even said.

She voices an opinion and is immediately shot down, or wrong...
Every person and every thing is more important than what she has to say.....

Her ideals, or responses are always wrong, or disputed....

SHE HAS NO VOICE, NEVER HAS, AND NEVER WILL...

My dads heart

My dad is 77 years old.  He is not a smoker or drinker.  He is in very good health, so we thought....

He just underwent quadruple heart bypass surgery....
He had had a heart attack years ago, that went undetected and damaged his heart, yet he never knew!!!

Just goes to show, you never FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOUR LIFE AND BODY IS DOING, YOU ARE NEVER IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF...no matter how in control you think you are.

The surgeon at Heart Hospital in Oklahoma city, was a former football player for OU and Barry Switzer...how weird...but he is the best surgeon, heart surgeon out there and people all over the country go to him and Oklahoma for heart surgery...

When my bio dad years and years ago had heart surgery, he was in his 50's and a smoker and diabetic, he already had a bad heart, but he survived another 10 years after surgery before his heart got him.

With my dad (step dad) his heart condition was a shock and totally unexpected...

The surgeon video tapped the last part of the procedure, we got a video of my dads heart literally in this surgeons hands and the surgeon was going on and on about how strong my dad is...OMG...seeing my dads heart, literally staring at the heart, was so overwhelming....

Life is so fucking precious....