Can I be happy?

Since moving to Virginia and starting a brand new life, I have struggled with loneliness and missing certain things about Oklahoma...but I have never wanted to move back.....

I love my apartment way up in the trees, I love the mountains, and all the new adventures I am doing.   Kayaking makes me happy, so I bought a couple of Kayaks...the lake is so peaceful, almost like a cemetery.

I find myself smiling alot, especially when my friend is around.  They make me so happy,  they go out of their way to make sure I am happy, safe, content.  

I am afraid to be happy...cause I hate the unhappy that follows the happy.....I hate the fall,  the descent of depression that will ruin a good thing for me....Yesterday, my mother calls and decides to talk to me like we are best buddies....MY MOTHER DOES NOT CALL ME OR TALK TO ME EVER...WE ARE NOT AND NEVER HAVE BEEN BUDDIES...but now she has called me twice, this is confusing me.   

My mother has denied my existence to many many people,  she has lied about my parenthood, saying one man is my father when that is not the truth....my whole life with her has been one big fucking lie, and now she wants to be buddies????   

What about the abuse she did to me, watched get done to me, conveniently left the house to not see the violence...her horrible words to me all my life?   Why didn't she save me from the nightmares of my childhood....why didn't she ever try and take care of me when I was sick or hospitalized?    She was never my mother, I am a motherless child.   It is too late in the game, too much water under the bridge, to make amends to her.....She is dead to me....and I cannot get past that, nor can I forgive what she did and allowed to have done to me....I can, however, concede that she did the best she could with three small kids and an abusive husband given her situation...but she let me be the scapegoat in all things, so that the other two kids and herself could be spared the abuse.....I was expendable....

I cannot get past that, I cannot forget my past, I cannot forget or forgive her....I don't hate her.....I just don't love her, she is not my mother...she was only the egg donor who didn't abort me....She was never a mother to me.....I don't need a mother now....