A lost freak

I feel so lost sometimes....Not lost directionally, but lost in my soul.

I sit back and watch families together,  I don't remember so much of being a family with my kids...I have tons of pictures, so I know that I was part of a family, did family things together, but my memory has erased virtually all of that...so now, those pictures are like a dream sequence...did it really happen??

I feel lost so much of the time, wandering around a new city,  trying to adapt to a new life, and I am lost.   Where do I belong?  Do I belong to anybody?  I feel I don't belong anywhere...a vagrant...a passerby nobody notices anymore...

What is my purpose?  My purpose now.... Why did my life turn out this way?  I did not plan this....I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams that this would be my new reality...

I see old "memories" on facebook, where I praised my husband on past fathers days...where I posted memories of a life I am no longer connected too....I literally died...Melissa, died...and Sparrow came...Who is Sparrow??  What is her purpose?  Why is she here?  What is the reason?

What can I do to make a difference?  Should I do anything?  I can't hold a job,  I can't even hold a volunteer job,  my head is so fucked at times...So what good is Sparrow???  I have so many phobias, so many panic moments, so neurotic about things, places, smells, etc...

Fog, bunny's, small spaces, certain objects, certain smells, freak me out, I go into another space in my mind to cope...A space that cannot hold a job, a space that has to be kept quiet...a secret place in my mind...where I leave reality...

This space keeps me lost....keeps me from being a whole person...a responsible person...a real person...this space makes Sparrow a freak....

So what is a freaks purpose???   Fuck...I want to be normal.  I want to be a part of a family...I want to feel needed...I want to contribute to society in a positive way...I want to be loved for me, not my secret space...but I can't...

Sometimes I wake up with tears on my pillow, even in my dreams I am lost, lonely, a freak...No matter what I do, where I go, what I buy, who I see, I am still a prisoner...Locked up, lonely in a freak way...I still have to keep secrets, secrets that keep me sick, because I do not want to hurt anyone...my memories will hurt others, so I keep them stuffed inside and smile....a smile that tells others I am fine, when I am really not...I am sad and lonely, split and deformed...continuously needing assurance I am needed, loved, wanted...when I know in my heart, I can never be any of those...not anymore, not ever....

Who can love a freak?
Who can want a freak?
Who needs a freak?

So, I wipe away the tears, get out of bed, and put on my "mask" of normality and try to get through the day with minimum damage to myself or others...