I wish I could explain, so people can understand, just how depression works...
I can be happy and in a positive mindset...then one word, One Lonely Word, can make my heart drop to my belly and I can literally feel the warmth of my depression blanket, beginning to cover me...
Not only one word, but an innocuous phrase can also unleash the depression, not anyone's fault, it is just how my head works...
One word, or phrase can trigger the "insecurity I have, the anger I have with myself, the self-loathing and condemnation I heep on myself, I cannot stop this....the awful feeling in my gut grows and grows until I want to die...
I know when this is happening, I know I need to stop it, to think on something positive and beautiful...BUT in that moment, positive and beautiful do not exist...only ugly and negative...They consume me....
It is happening now...a phrase, uttered in innocence, but from the heart of the speaker...I truly believe that what comes out of the mouth, comes from the heart....Saying things in gest, is really speaking your mind but not trying to offend...I get that...I am many things, but I am not stupid and ignorant to words...
So, last night a word and phrase was said to me, and my fucking heart took it and ran with it, dropping the blanket, and slowly covering my mind...I hate this, but I can't stop it....
I am very sensitive and intuitive to others and their words and thoughts and feelings, and when something is said directly to me in gest, but really meaning it...I know...I see it in your eyes....
I feel it in my gut...so does my depression...I apologize for my shit brain....
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