Smiling outside, screaming inside

Why does depression always find me?

I literally have no where to hide...

I have no one to give me pain...

So, I will give myself pain...take my medicine...

I will suffer in silence...

I will smile and pretend happy,
     and stuff the pain, deep inside..
     like always......

I will continue to play the happy game..

Until I don't...

Smiling outside, screaming inside...
      for now....

Goodbye Happy

So today is a tragic day...I lost Happy...

"Happy", my little squirrel friend

My neighbor and I, every morning, put out food for the birds and squirrels.   It was so fun watching those squirrels eat and scamper around our balcony..

One morning, I noticed a Youth squirrel that appeared to have three ears.   I think one of the ears was split and not an actual extra ear, but regardless he was adorable.   As the days turned into months, this little squirrel became more and more comfortable eating close to me.   I decided to name this squirrel, because I knew before too long he would be eating out of my hand...He was that curious and friendly..

I was talking about how happy this little squirrel made me, so a friend said I should name him "Happy".  I did.  

It got to the point that Happy would come within one foot of me, before he spooked and backed away...I was sure it was only a matter of time before he would take food from me, we were getting so close...Happy and me...

One day, I came home and my neighbor told me Happy had been injured, real bad, at least she thought it was Happy...I was hoping it was not.   The next morning I saw Happy on the balcony, but he was injured, his back was scraped to the bone and he was having a hard time walking, but he still seemed to have energy....

About three days pasts, and I was walking my dog down our long driveway, and I saw a dead squirrel along the drive...I looked and it had flies all over its back...My heart sunk, it was Happy....
I went on and finished walking Boomer, and came back to get a shovel to bury him, and HE HAD MOVED,,,my god, he was still alive...I ran to my neighbor and he grabbed a towel and I scooped up Happy, noticing his little split ear, and he drove me to a vet...the vet would not take wildlife,  but Happy was squirming in my arms, he was still alive....I came home and we put him in a box so he would be more comfortable for me to drive him to the wildlife refuge....

As I was getting ready to unwrap the towel and place him in the box, I noticed his little paw sticking out...so I petted it, stroked it a few seconds, then he pulled his paw back into the towel and died....
My little Happy,  died in my arms while I was stroking his paw...
I finally got to touch him, he let me..........

goodbye Happy

A lost freak

I feel so lost sometimes....Not lost directionally, but lost in my soul.

I sit back and watch families together,  I don't remember so much of being a family with my kids...I have tons of pictures, so I know that I was part of a family, did family things together, but my memory has erased virtually all of that...so now, those pictures are like a dream sequence...did it really happen??

I feel lost so much of the time, wandering around a new city,  trying to adapt to a new life, and I am lost.   Where do I belong?  Do I belong to anybody?  I feel I don't belong anywhere...a vagrant...a passerby nobody notices anymore...

What is my purpose?  My purpose now.... Why did my life turn out this way?  I did not plan this....I could not have imagined in my wildest dreams that this would be my new reality...

I see old "memories" on facebook, where I praised my husband on past fathers days...where I posted memories of a life I am no longer connected too....I literally died...Melissa, died...and Sparrow came...Who is Sparrow??  What is her purpose?  Why is she here?  What is the reason?

What can I do to make a difference?  Should I do anything?  I can't hold a job,  I can't even hold a volunteer job,  my head is so fucked at times...So what good is Sparrow???  I have so many phobias, so many panic moments, so neurotic about things, places, smells, etc...

Fog, bunny's, small spaces, certain objects, certain smells, freak me out, I go into another space in my mind to cope...A space that cannot hold a job, a space that has to be kept quiet...a secret place in my mind...where I leave reality...

This space keeps me lost....keeps me from being a whole person...a responsible person...a real person...this space makes Sparrow a freak....

So what is a freaks purpose???   Fuck...I want to be normal.  I want to be a part of a family...I want to feel needed...I want to contribute to society in a positive way...I want to be loved for me, not my secret space...but I can't...

Sometimes I wake up with tears on my pillow, even in my dreams I am lost, lonely, a freak...No matter what I do, where I go, what I buy, who I see, I am still a prisoner...Locked up, lonely in a freak way...I still have to keep secrets, secrets that keep me sick, because I do not want to hurt anyone...my memories will hurt others, so I keep them stuffed inside and smile....a smile that tells others I am fine, when I am really not...I am sad and lonely, split and deformed...continuously needing assurance I am needed, loved, wanted...when I know in my heart, I can never be any of those...not anymore, not ever....

Who can love a freak?
Who can want a freak?
Who needs a freak?

So, I wipe away the tears, get out of bed, and put on my "mask" of normality and try to get through the day with minimum damage to myself or others... 

Can I be happy?

Since moving to Virginia and starting a brand new life, I have struggled with loneliness and missing certain things about Oklahoma...but I have never wanted to move back.....

I love my apartment way up in the trees, I love the mountains, and all the new adventures I am doing.   Kayaking makes me happy, so I bought a couple of Kayaks...the lake is so peaceful, almost like a cemetery.

I find myself smiling alot, especially when my friend is around.  They make me so happy,  they go out of their way to make sure I am happy, safe, content.  

I am afraid to be happy...cause I hate the unhappy that follows the happy.....I hate the fall,  the descent of depression that will ruin a good thing for me....Yesterday, my mother calls and decides to talk to me like we are best buddies....MY MOTHER DOES NOT CALL ME OR TALK TO ME EVER...WE ARE NOT AND NEVER HAVE BEEN BUDDIES...but now she has called me twice, this is confusing me.   

My mother has denied my existence to many many people,  she has lied about my parenthood, saying one man is my father when that is not the truth....my whole life with her has been one big fucking lie, and now she wants to be buddies????   

What about the abuse she did to me, watched get done to me, conveniently left the house to not see the violence...her horrible words to me all my life?   Why didn't she save me from the nightmares of my childhood....why didn't she ever try and take care of me when I was sick or hospitalized?    She was never my mother, I am a motherless child.   It is too late in the game, too much water under the bridge, to make amends to her.....She is dead to me....and I cannot get past that, nor can I forgive what she did and allowed to have done to me....I can, however, concede that she did the best she could with three small kids and an abusive husband given her situation...but she let me be the scapegoat in all things, so that the other two kids and herself could be spared the abuse.....I was expendable....

I cannot get past that, I cannot forget my past, I cannot forget or forgive her....I don't hate her.....I just don't love her, she is not my mother...she was only the egg donor who didn't abort me....She was never a mother to me.....I don't need a mother now....

Run

I wanna skip
I wanna hide
I wanna find
whats deep inside...

I wanna jump
I wanna run
I wanna reach up
and touch the sun..

I wanna love
I wanna give
I wanna smile
Cause I wanna live.

Apology

I apologize for the life that was granted me.

I apologize for failing ever endeavor..

I apologize for the confusion and frustration that rule me.

I apologize that my psyche is so brittle...

I apologize for the multitude of unstoppable tears.

I apologize for every breath in my lungs...

I apologize for my beating heart.

I apologize for spitting forth worthless words...

I apologize, please forgive me.............. 

Exist

Who am I?
Who loves to harm...

Who am I?
Who cannot love..

Who am I?
Who cannot smile...

Who am I?
Who can not see...

Who am I?
Who is nobody..

Who am I?
Who does not exist...

A lonely word...

I wish I could explain, so people can understand, just how depression works...

I can be happy and in a positive mindset...then one word, One Lonely Word, can make my heart drop to my belly and I can literally feel the warmth of my depression blanket, beginning to cover me...

Not only one word, but an innocuous phrase can also unleash the depression,  not anyone's fault, it is just how my head works...

One word, or phrase can trigger the "insecurity I have, the anger I have with myself, the self-loathing and condemnation I heep on myself,  I cannot stop this....the awful feeling in my gut grows and grows until I want to die...

I know when this is happening, I know I need to stop it, to think on something positive and beautiful...BUT in that moment, positive and beautiful do not exist...only ugly and negative...They consume me.... 

It is happening now...a phrase, uttered in innocence, but from the heart of the speaker...I truly believe that what comes out of the mouth, comes from the heart....Saying things in gest, is really speaking your mind but not trying to offend...I get that...I am many things, but I am not stupid and ignorant to words...

So, last night a word and phrase was said to me, and my fucking heart took it and ran with it, dropping the blanket, and slowly covering my mind...I hate this, but I can't stop it....

I am very sensitive and intuitive to others and their words and thoughts and feelings, and when something is said directly to me in gest, but really meaning it...I know...I see it in your eyes....

I feel it in my gut...so does my depression...I apologize for my shit brain....