hyper sensitive

Geez, having brain issues, also mean you will have emotional issues....It is crazy how fast my emotions can click from one to another...

for example:  I went to an appointment with a friend...that friend had me leave the room when the doctor came in to talk...instead of, "of course",  and walking out...I immediately took that my "friend" had a secret, or something they were keeping from me...I got butt hurt...my feelings were all over the place...it went from "slap in the face" hurt, to anger and every other damn thing....

Totally inappropriate and ridiculous.  AND even if I know in my head I am being unreasonable, I still can't stop the emotion from flooding my entire self....

My goddamn emotions/feelings, mental illness fucking take over and throw the "normal rational Sparrow" to the curb with all the other trash...

I can flip on a dime...be loving gentle, kind...then immediately angry aggressive and mean, sometimes for no real good reason...and I can't stop....

This is the reason I think about suicide so much.  Having way inappropriate reactions and emotions, is not only harmful, confusing and offensive to others, it is too me too...but I can't stop...its like the "tourettes" syndrome....You hear yourself, but can't stop the syndrome...

I also get confused real easy...I mix up events and times and places,  I get directional lost and confused very easily.   

I am so goddamn forgetful too....How many times have I started something, walked away from it, then forgot???  Lets see, can I count the items I have misplaced??? Can I count the number of times I have started cooking and forgot and burned the meal?? How many times have I said I would call or do something then flat out fuck forget???  I think out of all my "difficulties with brain injury and all that shit, is forgetting.  Forgetting frustrates me the most, and has got to frustrate others...

"You never take me ____________..." , when in actuality I went to said place maybe less than two days prior.   It is also very fucking frustrating to remember some weird fuck things and forget others...Or remember something one day, then the next forget that I remembered it!  slap my head with a baseball bat!!!!!

Because of my forgetfulness I feel that I have failed my family, my friends, my former friends whom I have forgotten...and because of my outburst of rage and anger (which I cannot control either) I have lost fucking volunteer positions...How fucking embarrassing to say I was fired from a volunteer position!!!!  I want to curl up in a hole and die...sometimes....

But, I do have to say, with over the top emotions, when I "love" someone or something, I fucking "love, love love...and its an intense all consuming fire in my belly...when I have sex, I actually "feel" the passion, the orgasms, I can feel every touch and sensation...like I am on a fucking unbelievable sexual acid trip!! 

When I am happy and laugh, my laugh comes from the depth of my soul...I really laugh, not fake laugh...it seems I can't fake anything anymore, because my brain simply won't let me...its the weirdest fuck thing..My eyes and emotional state always rat me out, when I am trying to fake it...

Every color to me is excessively brilliant.  Every sound, unusually loud, every taste magnified, every touch, electric.   Hyper sensitive.
Swear to god I can hear things normal people cannot...I see things, normal people can not see...its like I am paranormal now, the brain tumors and radiation poisoning has made me paranormal...Seriously...this has been witnessed by many other people...I can feel other peoples pain, if they are in extreme pain, say in their stomach, I can touch them and actually feel the pain myself.(in my stomach)..I take some of their pain and it eases for them...I have done this many times with people, and even a dog.  It is not some God given gift...its a weird phenomenon of frontal lobe brain injury.  Some weird new "sense", brain injury has given me...

When I take anti-depressants and other drugs like that, anti-psychotics, I can do nothing but drool....no feeling, no nothing...a fucking Zombie.   The down side of feeling everything is my impulsiveness...I cannot control that either...so it is very dangerous for me when I get suicidal and my depression takes over...I could very easily be too impulsive and kill myself...but I have some friends in my life, that understand this and when the depression hits, they don't go "hear we go again..." or ignore me...They double down to get me through it, and for that, I am so grateful.  I could never in a million years thank them or express to them how much I love them...beyond words...