Saturday, May 25, 2019

A Broken Heart

What is a broken heart?

It's being able to see,
yet having no vision.

It's being unable to move,
when you need to run..

It's desperately needing to cry,
yet you have lost your tears...

It's a conversation that makes no sense,
continuously in your mind..

It's gripping so tightly,
yet still slipping away..

It's a condition with no definition,
and no cure...

A broken heart is a lost life...

Friday, May 24, 2019

my stalker

WHY is it that I can be happy, and content one day....then the very next morning I wake up with a sense of doom and sadness??????

My heart can feel full one minute, then running on empty the next...

How do people stay content and happy????  Why can't I??????

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO SUFFER THIS FUCKING DEPRESSION???????  Its not fair....

I would rather have a physical ailment to suffer with, but when its your goddamn fucking brain, nothing can be done....I am a hopeless fucking mind freak....

DEPRESSION IS NOT ABOUT NOT HAVING THINGS AND STUFF......

   I have a beautiful place to live
   I have a super sweet, paid for, brand new jeep.
   I have money and no debt.
   I live in the most beautiful place on earth
   I am doing and experiencing new things...
   I am physically pretty healthy, over all
   My kids are good, and thriving and well...
   BUT:

MY MIND is crippled and deformed...One minute I am "normal" the next I am "abnormal"..... it's almost like flipping a switch...

All these celebrities who have "everything" on the outside, but inside their brains they are "defective"....depression would strike them even if they were destitute...Depression and mental illness does not give a rats ass who or what you are.....

DEPRESSION is a plague, a killer of spirit and body...Its a silent enemy who stalks and preys, getting ready to strike at any moment, without pause or mercy...Depression hates the person...and only wants to destroy you....

MY STALKER IS DEPRESSION

It stalks me in my sleep, in my dreams, in my day to day activities...it hides in the shadows waiting.....for just the right time to jump,  the right time to destroy me....

Depression uses confusion, anger and frustration as weapons...AND IT WIELDS THEM WELL....

The worse thing about depression???  it is invisible...nobody sees it, so therefore it is not real.....DEPRESSION IS AN INVISIBLE KILLER, A MASS MURDERER...

I hate me.....

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Race car track toy set

A little girls family purchased a Hot Wheels electrical race track.  The dad set it up, and allowed the two girls to work the switch.  It was so fun watching those little cars go round and round...The older girl, loved watching the cars go really fast, and loved it more when they flew off the track...

One day, after school, the oldest little girl came home.  No one was there, She guessed the mom took little sister and little brother somewhere.   So older little girl, went inside and saw the track all set up.  She wanted to play with it, but she wanted to show her friend next door too.  So, in a bit, the neighbor friend came over and both of them turned the racetrack on and began driving the cars around the track....

It was so fun, until it wasn't.  In an attempt to put a race car back on the track, she somehow snapped a piece of the plastic track and the metal cable (which the electricity runs through to move the cars) got messed up.  AND the more she tried to fix it, the broker it got.  A sense of doom descended upon her.  She told the friend to go home.

When mom got home, she saw what had happened and told her to go to her room and wait.   She knew what that meant.   

In her room, she was so scared...She couldn't play, she couldn't do anything but sit in a tight little ball on the floor and wait for her "daddy" to come home.

Daddy came home drunk.  Saw the damaged track.  He pulled off a long section of hard plastic track and brought it with him to the bedroom.  "Did you break this?"  "I told you to never touch this track"..."now how am I going to punish you.."  The little girl did not answer any question, just stared at the floor.  

In two long strides, Daddy was upon her and immediately she felt the track strike her along her arm and shoulder...she did not move, scream or even acknowledge she had been hit.  He hit her again and again with the track...leaving long red streaks on her arms, face, shoulders and back...but still she was silent.  Abruptly he stopped.  He grabbed her by the hair, yanked her to her feet and dragged her into the bathroom.  "Tough girl, huh?"  he said to her, and then he bent her over the bathtub edge, pulled her pants down and proceeded to beat her bottom and back and thighs with the plastic track...finally, the little girl started whimpering and he stopped.  He shoved her into the tub and turned on the water and walked out.  

The little girl, did not cry.  She noticed some of the marks were bleeding....She put her finger in the blood and wrote "dog" on her belly....She liked the blood....The blood was warm and soothing...The blood comforted her....

Thursday, May 16, 2019

hyper sensitive

Geez, having brain issues, also mean you will have emotional issues....It is crazy how fast my emotions can click from one to another...

for example:  I went to an appointment with a friend...that friend had me leave the room when the doctor came in to talk...instead of, "of course",  and walking out...I immediately took that my "friend" had a secret, or something they were keeping from me...I got butt hurt...my feelings were all over the place...it went from "slap in the face" hurt, to anger and every other damn thing....

Totally inappropriate and ridiculous.  AND even if I know in my head I am being unreasonable, I still can't stop the emotion from flooding my entire self....

My goddamn emotions/feelings, mental illness fucking take over and throw the "normal rational Sparrow" to the curb with all the other trash...

I can flip on a dime...be loving gentle, kind...then immediately angry aggressive and mean, sometimes for no real good reason...and I can't stop....

This is the reason I think about suicide so much.  Having way inappropriate reactions and emotions, is not only harmful, confusing and offensive to others, it is too me too...but I can't stop...its like the "tourettes" syndrome....You hear yourself, but can't stop the syndrome...

I also get confused real easy...I mix up events and times and places,  I get directional lost and confused very easily.   

I am so goddamn forgetful too....How many times have I started something, walked away from it, then forgot???  Lets see, can I count the items I have misplaced??? Can I count the number of times I have started cooking and forgot and burned the meal?? How many times have I said I would call or do something then flat out fuck forget???  I think out of all my "difficulties with brain injury and all that shit, is forgetting.  Forgetting frustrates me the most, and has got to frustrate others...

"You never take me ____________..." , when in actuality I went to said place maybe less than two days prior.   It is also very fucking frustrating to remember some weird fuck things and forget others...Or remember something one day, then the next forget that I remembered it!  slap my head with a baseball bat!!!!!

Because of my forgetfulness I feel that I have failed my family, my friends, my former friends whom I have forgotten...and because of my outburst of rage and anger (which I cannot control either) I have lost fucking volunteer positions...How fucking embarrassing to say I was fired from a volunteer position!!!!  I want to curl up in a hole and die...sometimes....

But, I do have to say, with over the top emotions, when I "love" someone or something, I fucking "love, love love...and its an intense all consuming fire in my belly...when I have sex, I actually "feel" the passion, the orgasms, I can feel every touch and sensation...like I am on a fucking unbelievable sexual acid trip!! 

When I am happy and laugh, my laugh comes from the depth of my soul...I really laugh, not fake laugh...it seems I can't fake anything anymore, because my brain simply won't let me...its the weirdest fuck thing..My eyes and emotional state always rat me out, when I am trying to fake it...

Every color to me is excessively brilliant.  Every sound, unusually loud, every taste magnified, every touch, electric.   Hyper sensitive.
Swear to god I can hear things normal people cannot...I see things, normal people can not see...its like I am paranormal now, the brain tumors and radiation poisoning has made me paranormal...Seriously...this has been witnessed by many other people...I can feel other peoples pain, if they are in extreme pain, say in their stomach, I can touch them and actually feel the pain myself.(in my stomach)..I take some of their pain and it eases for them...I have done this many times with people, and even a dog.  It is not some God given gift...its a weird phenomenon of frontal lobe brain injury.  Some weird new "sense", brain injury has given me...

When I take anti-depressants and other drugs like that, anti-psychotics, I can do nothing but drool....no feeling, no nothing...a fucking Zombie.   The down side of feeling everything is my impulsiveness...I cannot control that either...so it is very dangerous for me when I get suicidal and my depression takes over...I could very easily be too impulsive and kill myself...but I have some friends in my life, that understand this and when the depression hits, they don't go "hear we go again..." or ignore me...They double down to get me through it, and for that, I am so grateful.  I could never in a million years thank them or express to them how much I love them...beyond words...

Monday, May 13, 2019

Homeless

They say, "Home is where the heart is".  

But, my heart has destroyed my home.

I am "Homeless".

Always have been homeless,  always will be.

Homeless in my heart, homeless in my mind.

Homeless

Broken

I am a broken woman.
I have no dreams, only nightmares.

My heart, defective, although it continues to beat,
too stubborn to quit.

There is no light in my darkness.
I see through blind eyes.

My spirit, destroyed, replaced by screams,
which echo and repeat.

My body, a sinking vessel.  Trying to stay afloat,
while weighted down with confusion, frustration and despair.

A lost compass in the turbulent sea.

My voice muted, every word, scarred by
a fucked up mentality and tangled emotions.

Everything about me.

BROKEN

Saturday, May 11, 2019

Close my eyes..

If I could close my eyes, I would.
I would dream of airless clouds
I would sleep forever...

If I could close my eyes, I would.
I would rest my soul
I would feed my body..

If I could close my eyes, I would.
I would breath easier
I would smile more often..

If I could close my eyes, I would.
I would speak quietly
I would love more...

If I could close my eyes, I would.
I would be happy
I wouldn't hurt anymore......

If only I could close my eyes...
I would.....

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

Sleep

What is the fucking deal with me not being able to sleep?  Ever since my radiation surgery on my brain 9 yrs ago, I have stopped sleeping.  I can fall to sleep, but within an hour or two I am awake and cannot go back to sleep.  On average I would say I get maybe 2 to 3 hours of sleep.  I do not get the REM sleep that the body needs.  Maybe this is why I have fucking headaches every single goddamn day.

I bet if I could actually sleep, like a normal person, then I would not have the headaches I have.   

I have tried everything:
     ambient noise (white noise)
    earplugs
    black out curtains
    OTC sleeping meds
   melatonin
   getting drunk
   sex
   

You name it, I have tried it.   I can fall asleep, but I don't  stay asleep, and that is the whole fucking problem.   Even if I take a handful of pain pills, I still will not even pass out or go to sleep.  

I want to sleep so bad......I would be a much better person, if I could just fucking shut my goddamn eyes and go to fucking sleep.....but I can't.

That makes me a dumb fuck, sleep deprived monster....

Saturday, May 4, 2019

Parking Garage

A nice family of five, parents, three kids (all under 7 yrs old) , went on a drive to downtown.  Parking sucked so they ended up going into a parking garage.  They parked the car on an upper floor and left the building.

They did all the errands that needed to be done in the city and started walking back to the parking garage and their car.   The two little girls started bickering, the younger of the two girls hit and pulled the other girls hair...so the older girl pushed the littler girl back and she fell down and started crying real loud...this made the mother irritable and dad angry.  The mother, helped the little girl up and dusted her off and hugged her and kissed her.  The dad grabbed the older girls arm and roughly began pulling her behind him, until they all made it to the car.  Once to the car, mom put the baby in and helped the littler girl into the back seat.  Dad pulled the older girl around to the other side of the car, he opened the drivers side door up and got in, pushing the littler girl away from the car.  He started the car up and after mom, baby and littler girl were in, he put the car in reverse and backed out of the spot........

The older girl is left standing in the lot, watching.  Surely, they aren't leaving her.....but they did, Dad drove away, leaving that little girl standing all alone in a huge dark creepy parking garage on an upper floor...She didn't cry, she started walking,  she was so scared...she wanted them to come back and get her, yet she did not want them to come back...she was so confused.

After a time of dodging cars, and smelling exhaust fumes, and wandering around, the dad came back...he pulled up and opened the back door of the car and told her to get in, as she was getting in the car, he put his foot on her backside and pushed her into the car.  

She does not remember the car ride home...all she remembers is fear, loneliness and that awful garage...

To this day, she hates parking garages and avoids them at all cost...

the Tent

 You know, as much as I complain about being lonely and isolated,  I enjoy my solitude so much.  I enjoy being able to get away to my own sp...