Sleep Deprived

I use to be a sleeper.  I use to sleep 10-12 hours a night easily.  But the day after my radiation brain surgery, I stopped sleeping.  For the past 9 yrs my sleep patterns have been all over the place.   

I use to could sleep, lay down close my eyes and actually go to sleep.  Not anymore...I lay down, close my eyes and start thinking.  I cannot shut my mind off...I have relaxation techniques, all kinds, I use ear plugs, have white noise, but still have the damnedest time sleeping.   

If I don't sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours a night, I start becoming even more bizarre...my head starts buzzing, my emotions go nuts...the more I try and fall asleep the harder sleep gets...it is so frustrating because my body will be tingling from sleepiness, yet I cannot sleep...

Yesterday was one of those episodes, I was so distraught from lack of sleep and other emotional distresses that I took a handful of Tramadols...anything to knock myself out...I was too the point that I was ready to go to sleep and never wake up...I was so tired, tired of arguing and fighting, tired of confusion, tired of drama, just so fucking tired....My head had finally go to the "fuck it stage" and I could think was "go to sleep"....

I woke up this morning...WOKE UP...finally I got some sleep,  but I have got to figure out a way to sleep without drugs....