New Brain Doctor

So, in two days I see a new Neurologist.   I have all my records from my old neurologist from Oklahoma.   I have DVDs of all my past MRI's every year since the surgery.  I have all the reports and information on those MRI's.  

For the past 9 years, I have been examined, tested, watched, monitored and every other damn thing.   I have been sent to Pain Management for the pain.  I have tried every goddamn pain pill on the planet that the doctors tried to give me for pain.  I have done every goddamn thing for the pain:  massage, botox, creams, meditation, drugs every thing.  And nothing worked.  NOTHING

So the Oklahoma doctors just patted me on the ass and said to call them if I have new symptoms.   Well fuck.

Now I see a new doctor on the other side of the country....I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS.  I DO NOT WANT TO START THE MEDICAL MERRY-GO-ROUND OF TESTS AND DRUGS.

No matter I have all my records, they will want their own records, their own tests (which will be exactly the same fuck test I have already done)...I will have to retell them my whole stupid fuck sad story....I don't even remember most of it, not anymore, so telling it will make me sound confused, stupid and ignorant...I KNOW WHAT PAIN PILLS WORK AND WHAT DON'T.  Everything they will have me do or try will be "been there done that"...

I do not want to be a "guinea pig" again.   I don't want the new docs to start testing me again, for their own curiosity...I did not even want to get a new Neurologist.   I have inoperable brain tumors.  Every year I get new ones, nothing can be done to stop this.   so why the FUCK do I need another fuck brain doctor???   Why can't I just live out my life without doctors????

I WAS A MEDICAL "CRASH DUMMY" FOR OKLAHOMA AND NOW I AM ABOUT TO BECOME A MEDICAL " CRASH DUMMY" FOR VIRGINIA.

I don't want MRI's anymore, I don't want to know what is going on in my brain anymore...not knowing is better than knowing....not knowing gives me time, lets me breath and pretend i am okay.  Once the fucking medical merry go round starts, I will be scared, depressed, angry and frustrated to the thousandth degree...

Virginia will no longer be my safe place...

I am going to this neurologist at the request of someone else.  because I love this person, I will go.  But he better be ready for me to become a " useless fucking even more paranoid scared piece of female shit."  a zombie.   Maybe I will be a better friend if I am medicated to the umpth degree.....