Morning pain

I want so much for these brain tumors to go away, disappear.  I am so happy in my new life, I want to live a long time....

But every morning when I wake up, before I even open my eyes, I feel my head pounding, I feel those 10 stupid fuckers screaming "wake up", "we are ready to ruin your day!"   "come on get up and be miserable..." fuck...

So I get up, and act like I am fine...I make my bed, eat some breakfast, take my meds, shower, get dressed and try and have a "normal" day, despite the raging pain in my head...

To strangers, I am normal.  I am happy.  I look good.  Neat and clean, and nice clothes, made up, hair done, etc...but inside I am a fucking timebomb....I hear the ticking with each throb of pain...

I wonder where the tumors are now...have they multiplied and moved to cover even more frontal lobe?  Are they trying to invade new places that can really fuck me up?  sometimes my vision is blurred...are they now behind my eyes???  Are the tumors the ones fucking with my blood sugar levels, have they gone to the place in my brain that controls my pancreas???  

They have already destroyed Melissa...They have erased her life, are they trying to fuck with Sparrows new life too???

I wish all this pain was somewhere else, like in my hand, or leg, not my brain...Brain pain is not only physical, its emotional, cognitive, its my coordination, its my speech, its my vision, its my nerves, its my decisions, its my personality...Brain pain affects all of those and more...Your brain is who the fuck you are...and I am Sparrow and the 10 little pearls...Before long it will be the 10 little pearls and no sparrow....I am waiting for the 10 pearls to become 10 monsters who will destroy my sense of being...

I am sure by now, there are more than 10....every year I add 3-4 new tumors...when will it be too crowded to add more???  Just how many fucking tumors can my head house before someone has to leave???  and that someone will be me....

Every morning, I feel the pain building and spreading...is today the day that I leave? Is today the day, Sparrow is finally forced out?  

There is no medical treatment for me, not anymore...so I wait, day in and day out, for the day that I don't have to wait anymore.....