frustration

Having a brain injury is so unpredictable.   Sometimes, I can experience things or circumstances and not "freak out" over them.  For example:  cooking...I can bake something and if it burns, I will just throw it out and start over.....Other times:  cooking...I can bake something and if it burns I fucking freak out!  Throwing food, dishes whatever against a wall and screaming bloody murder...

Once I was sitting in my car and was going to eat a sub, and it had onions in it, after I specifically said "NO ONIONS" and I freaked...slapped my hand against the side window, its a miracle the window didn't shatter or I didn't break my hand...I did not consciously hit that glass...it was a reaction to frustration of the sub sandwich.

I already have a very hard time with doing some things, like I can't really read anymore, I know how to read, but my head won't let me retain what I am reading, and the words become strangers...Sometimes I need to speak and the words are in my head, but I cannot get them to come out of my mouth...I have no patience...when someone talks and they start giving me too much information, or they start chasing rabbits, I get confused and cannot concentrate on what they are saying...I need direct and to the point conversations...not long winded speeches...I can't keep up mentally.

without patience you live in extreme frustration.  Doctors call "inappropriate emotional responses" the Bulbar effect?? something like that...that is common with head injuries....well shit I have that condition in spades!

The frustration of not having my mind work properly...If I can't do something right the first time I am told or showed how to do, I get freaking so mad...I will feel like a rubber band wound so tight I can't breathe unless I strike out...if I can't break something, then I will turn that frustration on myself and hurt myself, because in my head "I am stupid, idiot, helpless, whatever"  and that makes me fucking furious...because I use to be a smart intelligent together woman...now I am a fucking mental and physical mess....my mind is all over the place, I have no control over the fucking brain tumors, no control over my impulses most of the time...

Some think I am just being a spoiled brat, or looking for attention by acting out...NO NO NO....imagine what people see me do, now imagine what people don't see me do...in secret I will destroy myself more because no one is looking...what anyone sees on the outside is just a small part of my frustration, anger, disgust and irritation, behind closed doors is where I fight myself...