failing spirit

I do not understand how I can be happy one minute then on a dime, I can be depressed, angry or incredibly sad...

One minute I want to live, I love life..the next minute I am thinking about dying...

I cannot stop the constant conversation in my head telling me I am stupid, dumb, ignorant, ugly, ridiculous, and undesirable...

The second I look in the mirror and think, I look pretty or whatever, the fuck head immediately corrects the error...and I realize I do not look pretty at all....in fact, I am very ugly.  Inside and out.

My soul is ugly, warped and demented...my spirit is failing...my mind is constantly at war with me, trying to destroy what is left of my life...I need constant validation that I am worthy...how fucking sad is that...??

Every time someone looks at me, like in public, I immediately look away and try to hide myself, because I hate people seeing the filth that I am...I know that they are thinking "look at that woman, gross, she is disgusting, she needs to stay home..."  that is what my fuck head tells me...

I immediately disregard or dismiss any compliments directed my way...they are lies..

I hate being recognized for anything, then everyone looks at me, and they think and say how wonderful I am or whatever, blah blah blah...they have to lie...

Just once I would love to hear someone say to me "yes, you are right, you do suck, you are ugly and worthless..."  nobody is honest anymore...