I use to think I was in control of my life...I certainly have tried to be in control...but I am just not a controlling person...I hate making big decisions, I hate being asked "what do you want"...I want to be told what to do, when to do it and how to do it...I am tired, my brain is tired of decisions...
The biggest control issue I have ever made is leaving my home and husband and moving so far away...talk about controlling my life...but since then, I have been able to rest my head...I don't have to make decisions anymore, no dinner decisions, no chore decisions, no children/grandkid decisions, no house hold decisions, no husband decisions, no society decisions and best of all, no fucking religious decisions...I am free to be me, or not to be me, or just be....
Now, as my brain tumors spread, and more and more I am not in a "sound mind", I really have no control...I have no control over the pain, the nausea, the confusion...I have no control over my outbursts of rage, or my depression...so, I just take each day as it is handed to me...will today be the day I have a stroke, or will today be the day the tumors really fuck me up, or will today be the day I take my own life...I never know, I am no longer in control...the brain tumors/TBI and alters are in control...
Melissa is gone, and Sparrow seems to be getting ready for flight...but to where? I don't know, I am not in control anymore, I am just a body going along for the ride....
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