fear and insecurity

When a child is battered, belittled, told they are "stupid" or "ugly" or "wish you had never been born" and passed off to relatives and back and forth to "parents" and basically left to raise themselves, this is what happens...

That little girl grows up and knows she is "ugly and stupid", she knows that as soon as someone gets tired of her, they will pass her to someone else...So she wants to please and make everyone happy, so they won't throw her away...

She does this, she gives everything she has, her money, her body, her soul, anything and everything to keep love..because she does not know any other way....She tries so hard to please and be loved and accepted...but it never happens...

In her brain/mind, these things do not happen...every innocuous comment screams in her brain...for example  "you are too skinny, you have a skinny ass", or "your neck is wrinkled" or so and so has a great ass (and I know my ass is gross)...in other words, your ass sucks.....I already know my body is ugly and I am built like a little boy...no boobs, no butt no nothing..I already know I am not a "real" woman...and to hear, even harmless comments stab my heart...only because in my head again "I am not enough, I am ugly"...

So, if my body can't be womanly, then what else can I do to make someone love me, for real?  so I give my money away, I help others, thinking they will be my friend forever, or love me, and they do for a time, until enough time has passed where they can finally leave me...I give away very expensive personal items because I love to see people happy, but in the end, I am miserable because you can't buy love...and those people get what they want and then they dump me...story of my life...

Over and over, I try and love someone, I want to be loved back, cherished, but I know that will never happen...

Any man I am with, gets bored with a stick woman, a mentally fucked up woman, their eyes wander and they want to be with others, women with boobs and ass, real women.  I hear over and over, its just sex...YOU are the one I love...NOPE...if I truly was loved, I would be enough...I will never be enough...

either its a husband who puts his god and job first and ignores me, that shows me I am not enough...or a new love who wants to be with other women too...a lifestyle that fucking murders an insecure ugly excuse of a woman....it is true that I am only good for one thing...

to be used, and then thrown away for a better model...
I use to wonder all the time "what is wrong with me, arent' I pretty enough, loving enough, what is it that demands I be hurt, over and over, and over..." used then thrown aside for a newer model...

I try to be affectionate, loving attentive, I try to do everything that makes people happy, whatever they ask of me, I try to do...but, I hear in their voices, the tone, that they are just humoring me...doing something because I want it, but they really don't....

I am only wanted when it is convenient for them, when they need something its like "hey girl..."or when someone needs to be blamed for something...I am someone who is inordinately easy to be taken advantage of, and people don't hesitate to do this...

THIS IS THE MENTALITY OF A FUCKED UP CHILD/WOMAN/PERSON...even if all that isn't really true in reality...its so fucking true in my mind..my reality...this is what is destroying me and everyone and everything I fucking touch and try to love...I know this:

once I give away everything I own, possessions, money, body, whatever..then I will kill myself...and those who are rejoicing in their gifts from me, won't have to think or feel obligated to keep me in their life...they can be free of me....I can be free of me.....
the whole fucking world can be free of me.  One less mindfuck, one less person sucking the life out of life...sigh...