reality

Sometimes I seem so far away from myself...I mean, I am right here, yet I am a million miles away...My body is real, my thoughts are distant.   Reality is now, yet my imagination becomes fantasy.

How do I live in reality, when my head and mind are three?   One minute Sparrow is alive and well, then its 2 hours later...where did sparrow go?   I have lost time/reality...looking around I can sometimes find where the time went, sometimes not.  I am left, wondering...

What is time, when there is no time, what is space, when I seem to be able to fly?    Is this an alternate reality I live in?  

Cannot

Who am I
who loves to harm

Who am I
Who cannot love

Who am I
who cannot smile

Who am I
I cannot know
I am not I

Who am I
Who is nobody
"I" does not exist...

down/up

Sliding down
Is all she does

Falling down
Is what she does

Looking down
Is when she cries

Laying down
is when she dies...

___________________________________

Looking up
she shields her eyes

Shutting up
she always tries

Giving up
she questions why

Making up
she fails, goodbye...

Stagnant Tears

When I cry,
there are mountains of tears,
that flow toward nowhere.

Tears that become stagnant
offensive, repulsive

A stench of tears
reflecting the horror story
deep within my brain

A decayed heart
producing toxic blood
to impregnate my veins

Every breath I steal
releases polluted fumes
that are poisonous and deadly

Each beat of my disturbed heart
a crude jump start
on this worthless body

My Souls' tears
fall on faded memories
buried in a forgotten life..

no control

I use to think I was in control of my life...I certainly have tried to be in control...but I am just not a controlling person...I hate making big decisions, I hate being asked "what do you want"...I want to be told what to do, when to do it and how to do it...I am tired, my brain is tired of decisions...

The biggest control issue I have ever made is leaving my home and husband and moving so far away...talk about controlling my life...but since then,  I have been able to rest my head...I don't have to make decisions anymore, no dinner decisions, no chore decisions, no children/grandkid decisions, no house hold decisions, no husband decisions, no society decisions and best of all, no fucking religious decisions...I am free to be me, or not to be me, or just be....

Now,  as my brain tumors spread, and more and more I am not in a "sound mind", I really have no control...I have no control over the pain, the nausea, the confusion...I have no control over my outbursts of rage, or my depression...so, I just take each day as it is handed to me...will today be the day I have a stroke, or will today be the day the tumors really fuck me up, or will today be the day I take my own life...I never know, I am no longer in control...the brain tumors/TBI and alters are in control...

Melissa is gone, and Sparrow seems to be getting ready for flight...but to where?  I don't know, I am not in control anymore, I am just a body going along for the ride....

I am a retard...

Why does my head constantly tell me I am useless, a failure, can't do anything right...why do I second guess myself all the time, why do I hate myself so much??

I literally hate my brain...it is so goddamn fucked up...10 tumors, radiation burn, TBI, multiples, clinical depression, suicidal thoughts..I am on a slow descent...

I hate being such a mental failure and disappointment to myself and others..especially others..I hate being stupid...I hate not being able to focus on something without it overwhelming me and sending me into a goddamn motherfucking anxiety attack..

I hate that all I ever hear in my head "such a failure, can't do anything right, fucking butt ugly,  seriously a good for nothing parasitic mindfuck...a waste of air space...

I hate that my mind cannot handle anything...I can never be normal..I hate that my brain shit, is not only killing my brain and body, but it is also killing my psyche...killing me slowly, taking away my reason, my self...building up my self loathing...encouraging me to kill myself...

I was at a bank trying to open a savings account and I got so confused and had a fucking break down, in front of strangers, because my goddamn fucking brain does not work...I am a retard. 
Mentally retarded...stupid ignorant fuck bitch... 

One year anniversary

So in a couple of days it will be exactly one year since I left to take my 2 month long trip.  I left my house a year ago and just started driving...I had so much to think about, the book, my marriage, new opportunities, can I live on my own, can I take care of myself, do I need to leave my home, marriage, kids and state.  Should I just move out and into another house there in my state?  What to do with the rest of my life.....

I drove 5000 miles, hitting Arkansas, Alabama, South and North Carolina, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Tennessee and Virginia.
As I was traveling these states, I visited old high school friends, visited Presidential Libraries, went site seeing at old Confederate battlefields,  partied in Memphis and Nashville...I met so many really cool people...I met a person who would eventually change my life...

While I was gone, I could breath, I was so happy, I felt free,  then as I was winding down my trip, I came to some decisions...I was going to file for Legal Separation of my marriage, and I was leaving the state of Oklahoma forever....I decided I was going to live in either North Carolina or Virginia...As the legal marriage stuff was processing, I was packing up all my stuff, and I flew back to the Virginia area to scout out a place for me and Boomer to live...I looked in a dozen different places, and an apartment came available which ended up being PERFECT...so I signed the lease, and flew back to Oklahoma, packed up a Uhaul and left...

Fast forward one year:

New relationship
New home
new car
new state
legally separated
new lifestyle
New religion
NEW LIFE

So much can happen in a year...this past year has literally flown by, it is like Melissa died, and was reincarnated as Sparrow and living in a new planet...

Whats funny, but just months before I took off on my trip, I would never would have thought that so much of my life would be changing...that in one year, I would be where I am today...Life is so funny...

Its so interesting where fate can take us, if we let it...I have learned to always follow my heart, and to do the unexpected, to live life on my terms only!  I love being single, independent and free....

Coke can

A family adopted a son.  The son was 7 yrs old...the same age as the families bio son...This addition was suppose to be a blessing, a good thing...

After some months of this new addition being added, the mother had to have some surgery...so the mothers mom, came to stay and help out.

Now this sounds all nice sweet and cherry moment...but, it was nothing but...

The mom was walking down the hall and heard the "grandma" telling the newly adopted son "they will never love you like they do "so & so" (the bio son),  and other really horrible things to say to a young kid...the mom walked into the room and looked straight at the "grandma" and said..."How dare you, get out...get out of my house now!"

The grandma, got up and grabbed an opened half full can of coke and advanced to her, calling her names and tried to smack that can of coke up against her head..she batted it away and screamed for her to get out...this all happened right in front of the newly adopted son.

Even with the "little girl" all grown up, the mother still hated her and would do and say anything to make her look like a piece of shit, even in front of a new adopted son...

Once a mother hates her child...that hate never leaves...Never..

The Ferris Wheel

One summer day, a nice little family went to the local fair.  Mommy, daddy, sissy, little brother and her.   The fair was full of lots of excitement and activity.  As the family was walking around they came upon the ferris wheel....to "her" the wheel was huge, so high, so scary...she was scared of that ride...

The dad wanted to ride on it,  mom  had little sister and brother in the stroller so dad grabbed "her" hand and dragged her onto the ferris wheel...she was so scared, but was trying real hard not to scream or cry...

Around up and up that wheel went, at the top it stopped...so high, so scary...the dad thought it would be fun to start rocking that seat, rocking it hard...he rocked it so hard that the little girl wet her pants, in stark raving fear...

off the ride, at last, mom was so upset and pissed off at her for wetting her pants, she dragged her to the ladies room, and forced her to remove her shorts and panties, threw the panties in the trash and made her wear a bunch of paper towels inside her shorts...Mom called her "stupid, and if she was gonna wet her pants like a baby, she was gonna wear a diaper, thus the paper towels...

She never rode a ferris wheel again, nor will she ever...

ADHD Brain

I have a diseased mind...its called "over thinking"....

I can take one innocuous word and it will suddenly become monotonous...

for example, take the word "trash"...

My mind hears "trash", okay, trash on the ground, trash blowing in the wind, people throwing trash in creeks, trash on the sides of the road,  pick up the trash, ALL the trash...trash everywhere...trashy world, trashy house, trashy clothes, trashy mouth, trashy person...that is me, Trash...

or take the word, "plants", ...
   
house plants, vegetable plants, soil, water, sun, bugs, weeds, ivy, flowers, rain, mow the grass, poisonous plants, eat the plants...

My mind does not take a word, for its word....My mind takes a word, and makes it a nightmare.... 

My purpose

I have heard people say "what is my purpose in life" then they go on to find that purpose and they are fulfilled and happy...

When you were never meant to be born, then hated the minute you came out of your mothers womb...kinda fucks what the purpose was for in the first place...

I have discovered what my purpose is:

To be abused as a child in the most graphic and disgusting ways...a throw away child
to be used and manipulated as a teenager,
To give birth to children to perpetuate the species...
To be treated like a dog...
To be used for the gain of others in whatever they want or desire...
a whipping board
a person that others can hate and ridicule and bully
a medical crash dummy for doctors
to be other peoples trash...
to never be happy, but to suffer...physically, mentally and emotionally
to be an example of a fuck brain
to serve others, but hurt myself

Someone posted a meme on my facebook page that showed a toddler and it said :

             "A child that's being abused by its parents doesn't
              stop loving its parents,  it stops loving itself"  
                                            -Shahida Arabi

I stopped loving myself, the first time I was hit and humiliated...  I stopped loving myself, because my environment and the people that were "suppose" to love me, didn't love me, so it was stupid of me to love myself..

The "love" center of my brain, never developed..so it is warped and deformed...like my fucking head...like my fucking body, like everything about me...

My Heart

My heart is:

hungry
black
hard
bleeding
sad
broken
sick
searching
abused
toxic
gross
ignorant
confused
blob
stupid
mutilated
fake
liar
insecure
battered
sick and stupid.

Why is it still beating????

fear and insecurity

When a child is battered, belittled, told they are "stupid" or "ugly" or "wish you had never been born" and passed off to relatives and back and forth to "parents" and basically left to raise themselves, this is what happens...

That little girl grows up and knows she is "ugly and stupid", she knows that as soon as someone gets tired of her, they will pass her to someone else...So she wants to please and make everyone happy, so they won't throw her away...

She does this, she gives everything she has, her money, her body, her soul, anything and everything to keep love..because she does not know any other way....She tries so hard to please and be loved and accepted...but it never happens...

In her brain/mind, these things do not happen...every innocuous comment screams in her brain...for example  "you are too skinny, you have a skinny ass", or "your neck is wrinkled" or so and so has a great ass (and I know my ass is gross)...in other words, your ass sucks.....I already know my body is ugly and I am built like a little boy...no boobs, no butt no nothing..I already know I am not a "real" woman...and to hear, even harmless comments stab my heart...only because in my head again "I am not enough, I am ugly"...

So, if my body can't be womanly, then what else can I do to make someone love me, for real?  so I give my money away, I help others, thinking they will be my friend forever, or love me, and they do for a time, until enough time has passed where they can finally leave me...I give away very expensive personal items because I love to see people happy, but in the end, I am miserable because you can't buy love...and those people get what they want and then they dump me...story of my life...

Over and over, I try and love someone, I want to be loved back, cherished, but I know that will never happen...

Any man I am with, gets bored with a stick woman, a mentally fucked up woman, their eyes wander and they want to be with others, women with boobs and ass, real women.  I hear over and over, its just sex...YOU are the one I love...NOPE...if I truly was loved, I would be enough...I will never be enough...

either its a husband who puts his god and job first and ignores me, that shows me I am not enough...or a new love who wants to be with other women too...a lifestyle that fucking murders an insecure ugly excuse of a woman....it is true that I am only good for one thing...

to be used, and then thrown away for a better model...
I use to wonder all the time "what is wrong with me, arent' I pretty enough, loving enough, what is it that demands I be hurt, over and over, and over..." used then thrown aside for a newer model...

I try to be affectionate, loving attentive, I try to do everything that makes people happy, whatever they ask of me, I try to do...but, I hear in their voices, the tone, that they are just humoring me...doing something because I want it, but they really don't....

I am only wanted when it is convenient for them, when they need something its like "hey girl..."or when someone needs to be blamed for something...I am someone who is inordinately easy to be taken advantage of, and people don't hesitate to do this...

THIS IS THE MENTALITY OF A FUCKED UP CHILD/WOMAN/PERSON...even if all that isn't really true in reality...its so fucking true in my mind..my reality...this is what is destroying me and everyone and everything I fucking touch and try to love...I know this:

once I give away everything I own, possessions, money, body, whatever..then I will kill myself...and those who are rejoicing in their gifts from me, won't have to think or feel obligated to keep me in their life...they can be free of me....I can be free of me.....
the whole fucking world can be free of me.  One less mindfuck, one less person sucking the life out of life...sigh...