the black hole

I don't understand how one minute I can be happy, mentally good, then the very next minute I can be falling into a huge black hole....

The slightest remark or statement from someone can trigger a colossal fall...Yesterday, all was good..then a person mentioned meeting a friend for coffee and the ground opened up and I started falling....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

am I that fucking fragile?  why would that bother me, its fucking coffee...slap my head...and its not just that...I read into conversations more than what is really being said.. ...my mind hears one thing but interprets it in a thousand different ways, and I get confused, then I fall....fall into a black pit hole...

My fears and insecurities are astronomical...No person should have to try and deal with me....I am a mess...a fucking mess...

This I know for sure:

I will never be enough for anybody, relationship wise...
I will never get better, depression and tumor wise...
I will never be truly happy, even though I am doing everything I ever wanted to do...
I will never be a whole person, I am split...
I can not truly make anyone happy, because I am so fucking miserable
I am never good enough, smart enough, funny enough, sexy enough, strong enough...
I am a non-person, really...
I will never have a sound mind....
I will die just as miserably as I live most of the time...
I try, I really try to be a good person, to be loved, but I fail in every attempt...
I push everyone away, because I don't want them to have to deal with the shit brain me that I am....
I do not love myself, I hate myself....

I grew up hearing I am stupid, worthless, good for nothing, I wish you had never been born, you are ugly, I despise you... 

I grew up being punished for things out of my control, I was punished for being born....so now, I continue that punishment in my own mind...it is forever there...my worth...is nothing...