I learned from a very young age that "love" was evil. The adults that were in my life were suppose to love me, just like I loved them...but they did not.
As I grew older, again "love" or what I thought was love, killed me once again...that was when I purposed in my heart to never "love" again. I purposed to never cry tears again...
Years go by and I do the "pretend, socially acceptable, love"..what was expected of me. And, I was more than fine with that.
I think my brain injury, and tumors was my change...they hit the 'love' button that was somehow buried in this shit of a brain. I felt strange in my heart...weird...
I found someone that touched that weird 'love' button...I was so tired of being "unlovable", I let myself fall....
In my fall, I convinced myself, I was "lovable"...but then discovered I can't be that...not now, not ever...I am not physically, emotionally or any other way, capable of loving and being loved...
That part was completely destroyed, obliterated...
Too many years of abuse, betrayal, lies, broken trust, neglect and manipulation of my mind and heart...has completely disabled me...
I cannot believe I deserve true "love"...I cannot even comprehend that concept..I know I am damaged, I know I am scarred, I know what "true" love really is...the damage is a tattoo on my soul..I know I am not enough, never enough, expendable...
My Heart is Handicapped.....
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