feelings of doom

Yesterday, I had a wicked headache...seriously bad...I wanted to beat my head against a wall...instead, I use my punching bag...

I woke up this morning with a feeling of "impending doom"...usually when I feel that, there is a fuck memory trying to come out...I hate that....I hate those memories....why can't they stay gone, in my subconscious...Ally played with her dolls in the night, maybe she knows the memory and I don't, not yet anyway....

I feel like I could cry and scream at the same time, and I don't even know what the memory is.....I feel confused...like something is being mixed up, sorted out, everyone talking at once, nothing is making sense, my mind is chaotic....

I know one thing for sure....the way I am feeling now, sick in the pit of my stomach, a cold fear pouring through me...I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER...NOT NOW NOT EVER....

My fuck brain is trying to shoot my memories to another route...a route where I can remember...the neurons are firing all at once, the light is too bright, the noise too loud...everything seems exaggerated..this happens before a memory emerges, and the memories that emerge are horrible, disgusting and tragic and heartbreaking...I don't want to remember...how much more can I endure, take, understand and deal with, before my mind and soul shatters into a million different pieces...I don't want to find out...

Please memory, stay in the dark....