For the first 11 yrs of my life, I thought and was told that my biological father was only my "uncle"...I thought the man who fucking hurt me WAS my father....
When I found out the truth, I was so pissed, shocked and angry...
Did my "uncle" know about what was going on with me when he would come to see me?
Did my "uncle" know how hurt I was, how scared I was, how confused I was?
Did my "uncle" listen as I talked to him, looking for clues?
How could my "uncle" visit me, then leave me in that house of horrors?
I thought he loved me...the pictures look like he did...
Didn't my "uncle" see the bruises and marks?
Didn't my "uncle" hear the despair in my voice?
Why would he leave me???
Today is his birthday, my uncle, my daddy....he is dead, dead and gone....did he know? would I have told him? did he care?
He left me, and I will never have the answers to my questions...there will never be closure for me...
Only closure for him.......
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Monday, February 25, 2019
The hair cut
There were these two little girls...one had shoulder length red curly hair, and the other had long beautiful blonde hair. The blonde girl got all the attention...her parents loved and adored her, she never got into trouble, she was the "golden girl"...
The redhead was always in trouble, getting blamed for everything, the blonde blaming the redhead on stuff that she did...the little redhead was the whipping kid...the punching bag...
One day, the redhead and the blonde were playing, the redhead decided to cut the blonde hair off the "golden child", because she was jealous...so she cut the hair off at the ears...
These two girls were under the age of 7, just two little girls...
The mother saw what the redhead had done to the beautiful blonde girl...she was enraged...she grabbed the redhead by the hair and dragged her into the bedroom...she picked up the scissors and starting cutting off her hair. Then the mom, picked up a handful of the red and blonde hair and shoved it into the mouth of the little redhead and forced her to eat it and swallow it...the little girl choked and coughed, but she did not cry.....she was use to this type of treatment...
she quit crying before she could walk...
The redhead was always in trouble, getting blamed for everything, the blonde blaming the redhead on stuff that she did...the little redhead was the whipping kid...the punching bag...
One day, the redhead and the blonde were playing, the redhead decided to cut the blonde hair off the "golden child", because she was jealous...so she cut the hair off at the ears...
These two girls were under the age of 7, just two little girls...
The mother saw what the redhead had done to the beautiful blonde girl...she was enraged...she grabbed the redhead by the hair and dragged her into the bedroom...she picked up the scissors and starting cutting off her hair. Then the mom, picked up a handful of the red and blonde hair and shoved it into the mouth of the little redhead and forced her to eat it and swallow it...the little girl choked and coughed, but she did not cry.....she was use to this type of treatment...
she quit crying before she could walk...
Monday, February 18, 2019
self-harm
When I self-harm, when I cut myself..
at first:
there is no blood, no pain
then the blood bubbles to the surface,
leaking out, running down my arm...
I see the blood, feel the sting...
it reminds me that I am, in fact, human...
Am I a person? Lilly and Ally, who are they?
a tri-person: not whole, fragmented, incomplete,
freakish....sad.
Out of control....
at first:
there is no blood, no pain
then the blood bubbles to the surface,
leaking out, running down my arm...
I see the blood, feel the sting...
it reminds me that I am, in fact, human...
Am I a person? Lilly and Ally, who are they?
a tri-person: not whole, fragmented, incomplete,
freakish....sad.
Out of control....
the black hole
I don't understand how one minute I can be happy, mentally good, then the very next minute I can be falling into a huge black hole....
The slightest remark or statement from someone can trigger a colossal fall...Yesterday, all was good..then a person mentioned meeting a friend for coffee and the ground opened up and I started falling....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
am I that fucking fragile? why would that bother me, its fucking coffee...slap my head...and its not just that...I read into conversations more than what is really being said.. ...my mind hears one thing but interprets it in a thousand different ways, and I get confused, then I fall....fall into a black pit hole...
My fears and insecurities are astronomical...No person should have to try and deal with me....I am a mess...a fucking mess...
This I know for sure:
I will never be enough for anybody, relationship wise...
I will never get better, depression and tumor wise...
I will never be truly happy, even though I am doing everything I ever wanted to do...
I will never be a whole person, I am split...
I can not truly make anyone happy, because I am so fucking miserable
I am never good enough, smart enough, funny enough, sexy enough, strong enough...
I am a non-person, really...
I will never have a sound mind....
I will die just as miserably as I live most of the time...
I try, I really try to be a good person, to be loved, but I fail in every attempt...
I push everyone away, because I don't want them to have to deal with the shit brain me that I am....
I do not love myself, I hate myself....
I grew up hearing I am stupid, worthless, good for nothing, I wish you had never been born, you are ugly, I despise you...
I grew up being punished for things out of my control, I was punished for being born....so now, I continue that punishment in my own mind...it is forever there...my worth...is nothing...
The slightest remark or statement from someone can trigger a colossal fall...Yesterday, all was good..then a person mentioned meeting a friend for coffee and the ground opened up and I started falling....WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
am I that fucking fragile? why would that bother me, its fucking coffee...slap my head...and its not just that...I read into conversations more than what is really being said.. ...my mind hears one thing but interprets it in a thousand different ways, and I get confused, then I fall....fall into a black pit hole...
My fears and insecurities are astronomical...No person should have to try and deal with me....I am a mess...a fucking mess...
This I know for sure:
I will never be enough for anybody, relationship wise...
I will never get better, depression and tumor wise...
I will never be truly happy, even though I am doing everything I ever wanted to do...
I will never be a whole person, I am split...
I can not truly make anyone happy, because I am so fucking miserable
I am never good enough, smart enough, funny enough, sexy enough, strong enough...
I am a non-person, really...
I will never have a sound mind....
I will die just as miserably as I live most of the time...
I try, I really try to be a good person, to be loved, but I fail in every attempt...
I push everyone away, because I don't want them to have to deal with the shit brain me that I am....
I do not love myself, I hate myself....
I grew up hearing I am stupid, worthless, good for nothing, I wish you had never been born, you are ugly, I despise you...
I grew up being punished for things out of my control, I was punished for being born....so now, I continue that punishment in my own mind...it is forever there...my worth...is nothing...
Sunday, February 17, 2019
church
Once there was a little girl, around 8 yrs old, and she was sitting in church....next to her was her mother...her "dad" was home sleeping.
The little girl was bored so began writing on her hands with ink pen...well the mother got so angry she said "stop, I will tell "dad" that you are not behaving" or something like that...well this upset the little girl so much, as she knows to never get "dad" angry. The little girl jumped up and ran screaming down the aisle, in the middle of church, and ran out the door.....Mom, came out, mortified that her kid had embarrassed her so...So they left church early and went home....
Coming home early, woke the "dad" up. He was not happy, he was in fact, in a rage.....the mother told him what happened in church as to why they came home early....The "dad" grabbed her hands and saw the ink writing, and he told her to go to the room....(the room was the bathroom)...
The little girl went into the bathroom and curled up in a ball on the floor...she knew she was in trouble...after what seemed an eternity, the "dad" came in and shut the door. He yanked her up and told her to take off her dress and boots....she did....she knew....
The "dad" picked her up and basically threw her into the bath tub and turned on the COLD water, then flipped on the shower....Ice cold water. He held down the naked little girl in that cold cold water, making her cough and gag with the water hitting her face...
"This is how it feels to be woken up from a dead sleep", "like ice cold water being thrown on you"..."how do you like this?"...NEVER write on yourself again....or wake me up.
Later, after it was over, the little girl went to her bedroom, she had an ink pen with her crayons and she grabbed the pen and crawled under the covers....with the pen, she jabbed it in her forearm and scraped it all the way down to the elbows...long black bloody marks.....This was the first time she self-harmed...and she felt nothing...no pain, no nothing....so she cut deeper and deeper until she felt pain....this was the beginning of her self-harming....she started wearing long sleeves and long pants after that....they did not see her marks....she hid them...lied about them...loved them.......
The little girl was bored so began writing on her hands with ink pen...well the mother got so angry she said "stop, I will tell "dad" that you are not behaving" or something like that...well this upset the little girl so much, as she knows to never get "dad" angry. The little girl jumped up and ran screaming down the aisle, in the middle of church, and ran out the door.....Mom, came out, mortified that her kid had embarrassed her so...So they left church early and went home....
Coming home early, woke the "dad" up. He was not happy, he was in fact, in a rage.....the mother told him what happened in church as to why they came home early....The "dad" grabbed her hands and saw the ink writing, and he told her to go to the room....(the room was the bathroom)...
The little girl went into the bathroom and curled up in a ball on the floor...she knew she was in trouble...after what seemed an eternity, the "dad" came in and shut the door. He yanked her up and told her to take off her dress and boots....she did....she knew....
The "dad" picked her up and basically threw her into the bath tub and turned on the COLD water, then flipped on the shower....Ice cold water. He held down the naked little girl in that cold cold water, making her cough and gag with the water hitting her face...
"This is how it feels to be woken up from a dead sleep", "like ice cold water being thrown on you"..."how do you like this?"...NEVER write on yourself again....or wake me up.
Later, after it was over, the little girl went to her bedroom, she had an ink pen with her crayons and she grabbed the pen and crawled under the covers....with the pen, she jabbed it in her forearm and scraped it all the way down to the elbows...long black bloody marks.....This was the first time she self-harmed...and she felt nothing...no pain, no nothing....so she cut deeper and deeper until she felt pain....this was the beginning of her self-harming....she started wearing long sleeves and long pants after that....they did not see her marks....she hid them...lied about them...loved them.......
Saturday, February 16, 2019
feelings of doom
Yesterday, I had a wicked headache...seriously bad...I wanted to beat my head against a wall...instead, I use my punching bag...
I woke up this morning with a feeling of "impending doom"...usually when I feel that, there is a fuck memory trying to come out...I hate that....I hate those memories....why can't they stay gone, in my subconscious...Ally played with her dolls in the night, maybe she knows the memory and I don't, not yet anyway....
I feel like I could cry and scream at the same time, and I don't even know what the memory is.....I feel confused...like something is being mixed up, sorted out, everyone talking at once, nothing is making sense, my mind is chaotic....
I know one thing for sure....the way I am feeling now, sick in the pit of my stomach, a cold fear pouring through me...I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER...NOT NOW NOT EVER....
My fuck brain is trying to shoot my memories to another route...a route where I can remember...the neurons are firing all at once, the light is too bright, the noise too loud...everything seems exaggerated..this happens before a memory emerges, and the memories that emerge are horrible, disgusting and tragic and heartbreaking...I don't want to remember...how much more can I endure, take, understand and deal with, before my mind and soul shatters into a million different pieces...I don't want to find out...
Please memory, stay in the dark....
I woke up this morning with a feeling of "impending doom"...usually when I feel that, there is a fuck memory trying to come out...I hate that....I hate those memories....why can't they stay gone, in my subconscious...Ally played with her dolls in the night, maybe she knows the memory and I don't, not yet anyway....
I feel like I could cry and scream at the same time, and I don't even know what the memory is.....I feel confused...like something is being mixed up, sorted out, everyone talking at once, nothing is making sense, my mind is chaotic....
I know one thing for sure....the way I am feeling now, sick in the pit of my stomach, a cold fear pouring through me...I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER...NOT NOW NOT EVER....
My fuck brain is trying to shoot my memories to another route...a route where I can remember...the neurons are firing all at once, the light is too bright, the noise too loud...everything seems exaggerated..this happens before a memory emerges, and the memories that emerge are horrible, disgusting and tragic and heartbreaking...I don't want to remember...how much more can I endure, take, understand and deal with, before my mind and soul shatters into a million different pieces...I don't want to find out...
Please memory, stay in the dark....
Wednesday, February 13, 2019
"I"
I cry when I am happy
I get lost in a crowded room
I drown in a shallow pool
I fall from the ground floor
I sing to muted music
I walk but go nowhere
I struggle even though I am free
I smell when I can't taste
I see darkness in the sun
I feel sadness among-st the laughter
I eat when I'm not hungry
I drink when I cannot swallow
I think when I can't remember
I am awake when I am sleeping
I get confused with sound logic
I am cold even though my hands are warm.....
I get lost in a crowded room
I drown in a shallow pool
I fall from the ground floor
I sing to muted music
I walk but go nowhere
I struggle even though I am free
I smell when I can't taste
I see darkness in the sun
I feel sadness among-st the laughter
I eat when I'm not hungry
I drink when I cannot swallow
I think when I can't remember
I am awake when I am sleeping
I get confused with sound logic
I am cold even though my hands are warm.....
Monday, February 11, 2019
Think about Love
When I think about of you,
I see birds leaving the nest
I think of horses, chomping at the bit
eager to run...
When I think of you,
my heart skips a beat
I lose my voice
my mind is speechless...
When I think of you,
I feel your hands on me,
your breathe in me
your eyes looking at me
your heart consuming me
When I think of you
I smile
I laugh
I cry
I desire
When I think of you
worlds collide
senses burst
my eyes shine
When I think of you
I "think of love"
I feel love
I am loved...
I see birds leaving the nest
I think of horses, chomping at the bit
eager to run...
When I think of you,
my heart skips a beat
I lose my voice
my mind is speechless...
When I think of you,
I feel your hands on me,
your breathe in me
your eyes looking at me
your heart consuming me
When I think of you
I smile
I laugh
I cry
I desire
When I think of you
worlds collide
senses burst
my eyes shine
When I think of you
I "think of love"
I feel love
I am loved...
Wednesday, February 6, 2019
Handicapped Heart
I learned from a very young age that "love" was evil. The adults that were in my life were suppose to love me, just like I loved them...but they did not.
As I grew older, again "love" or what I thought was love, killed me once again...that was when I purposed in my heart to never "love" again. I purposed to never cry tears again...
Years go by and I do the "pretend, socially acceptable, love"..what was expected of me. And, I was more than fine with that.
I think my brain injury, and tumors was my change...they hit the 'love' button that was somehow buried in this shit of a brain. I felt strange in my heart...weird...
I found someone that touched that weird 'love' button...I was so tired of being "unlovable", I let myself fall....
In my fall, I convinced myself, I was "lovable"...but then discovered I can't be that...not now, not ever...I am not physically, emotionally or any other way, capable of loving and being loved...
That part was completely destroyed, obliterated...
Too many years of abuse, betrayal, lies, broken trust, neglect and manipulation of my mind and heart...has completely disabled me...
I cannot believe I deserve true "love"...I cannot even comprehend that concept..I know I am damaged, I know I am scarred, I know what "true" love really is...the damage is a tattoo on my soul..I know I am not enough, never enough, expendable...
My Heart is Handicapped.....
As I grew older, again "love" or what I thought was love, killed me once again...that was when I purposed in my heart to never "love" again. I purposed to never cry tears again...
Years go by and I do the "pretend, socially acceptable, love"..what was expected of me. And, I was more than fine with that.
I think my brain injury, and tumors was my change...they hit the 'love' button that was somehow buried in this shit of a brain. I felt strange in my heart...weird...
I found someone that touched that weird 'love' button...I was so tired of being "unlovable", I let myself fall....
In my fall, I convinced myself, I was "lovable"...but then discovered I can't be that...not now, not ever...I am not physically, emotionally or any other way, capable of loving and being loved...
That part was completely destroyed, obliterated...
Too many years of abuse, betrayal, lies, broken trust, neglect and manipulation of my mind and heart...has completely disabled me...
I cannot believe I deserve true "love"...I cannot even comprehend that concept..I know I am damaged, I know I am scarred, I know what "true" love really is...the damage is a tattoo on my soul..I know I am not enough, never enough, expendable...
My Heart is Handicapped.....
Friday, February 1, 2019
Border Wall
I feel like my mind is a border wall:
It is being invaded by hundreds of thousands of emotions, thoughts, delusions, chaos.
I try and stand at the edge and fight them all off, but my armor is weak and out of date...
I knock one down, and a hundred more appear...
The fight gets old...I get lax, then the invaders come over the wall and infiltrate my brain, filling every room, destroying furniture, all talking at once, depleting the food and oxygen I try to store...attacking the soul, killing my spirit.
My wall is not fortified with soldiers, brick or mortar...its only fortified with the whims of my mind.
A mind teetering on the brink of collapse...
It is being invaded by hundreds of thousands of emotions, thoughts, delusions, chaos.
I try and stand at the edge and fight them all off, but my armor is weak and out of date...
I knock one down, and a hundred more appear...
The fight gets old...I get lax, then the invaders come over the wall and infiltrate my brain, filling every room, destroying furniture, all talking at once, depleting the food and oxygen I try to store...attacking the soul, killing my spirit.
My wall is not fortified with soldiers, brick or mortar...its only fortified with the whims of my mind.
A mind teetering on the brink of collapse...
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