My new brain is so weird in the way it handles and accepts information. Focusing on something being said is hit or miss with me...If I am interested I can hang on to conversation for maybe 10 minutes...then it fades as too much information is being given to me....
Most brains are like an assembly line, one part hears info, another part processes info, another part simplifies, and so on and so forth...lots of moving parts all working together to make a great brain...
My brain basically has one part, and that part does everything! So, it moves slowly and carefully. If that part is overwhelmed or given too much info, that part sits down and refuses to budge, or it will say "fuck it" and wander off onto something else...
It is beyond frustrating when I realize I am getting confused about something or don't understand something or can't understand or follow a thread of conversation on something....grrrrrrrr...
I wrote this when my head was again, getting fucked with overthinking and not understanding....
I get lost,
in a sea of questions.
Words seem foreign,
sprinting through expressions.
Hard to relate,
but very easy to manipulate.
I get so lost,
in this fanatical brain.
Nothing makes sense,
answers are always the same...
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Crissy Doll
When I was a little girl, not sure of the age, but under 7 yrs old...I got a Crissy Doll for christmas...I think one of my aunts gave it to me, but not sure...
That doll, became my best friend...that doll watched over me...that doll helped me cover bruises...that doll talked to me, protected me and I, in turn, protected my doll. She would sleep in a boot in my closet so she could be safe and not found and he could not find her...
I kept that doll forever, she was the only doll/toy I had from my shit childhood...
Then one day, while my husband and I were doing spring cleaning of sorts, he found the doll in my closet and along with other things he thought were junk, he threw her away....
At first, I did not know she was gone...she was tucked way up in the corner of my closet....then, I was looking for her and she was gone....I was so heartbroken, angry, sad, confused....
I needed that doll...she was a part of me.......
Fast forward....I was telling a friend how important that doll was to me, how attached I was....and now I was adrift without her....that friend, went online and ordered me another 50 yr old Crissy doll...and clothes for her...That friend knew how important that doll was to me, to my others..
I believe, that was the single most, loving thing anyone has ever done for me...EVER.
A doll is not just a doll to a scared abused little girl...that doll was her salvation and escape...
I now have my Crissy Doll back...she has a nice bed...she is safe...
and my others can rest easier....
That doll, became my best friend...that doll watched over me...that doll helped me cover bruises...that doll talked to me, protected me and I, in turn, protected my doll. She would sleep in a boot in my closet so she could be safe and not found and he could not find her...
I kept that doll forever, she was the only doll/toy I had from my shit childhood...
Then one day, while my husband and I were doing spring cleaning of sorts, he found the doll in my closet and along with other things he thought were junk, he threw her away....
At first, I did not know she was gone...she was tucked way up in the corner of my closet....then, I was looking for her and she was gone....I was so heartbroken, angry, sad, confused....
I needed that doll...she was a part of me.......
Fast forward....I was telling a friend how important that doll was to me, how attached I was....and now I was adrift without her....that friend, went online and ordered me another 50 yr old Crissy doll...and clothes for her...That friend knew how important that doll was to me, to my others..
I believe, that was the single most, loving thing anyone has ever done for me...EVER.
A doll is not just a doll to a scared abused little girl...that doll was her salvation and escape...
I now have my Crissy Doll back...she has a nice bed...she is safe...
and my others can rest easier....
Friday, January 18, 2019
crayons
Crayons color red,
the death that's in my head...
Crayons color blue,
the death I do to you...
Crayons color tan,
the death I know I can..
Crayons color white,
the death I know as night...
Crayons color gray,
the death I know, today....
Crayons color black,
the death, there's no way back....
Crayons all broken,
the death I know, has spoken.....
the death that's in my head...
Crayons color blue,
the death I do to you...
Crayons color tan,
the death I know I can..
Crayons color white,
the death I know as night...
Crayons color gray,
the death I know, today....
Crayons color black,
the death, there's no way back....
Crayons all broken,
the death I know, has spoken.....
It's over...
It's over, my marriage is officially a "Legal Separation"...we are both free to live our separate lives....
Its a weird feeling, I know I should be happy, this is what I wanted. Yet, feeling happy is not how I feel.
I feel sad, discouraged, angry, and strangely numb.
Sad, for destroying 34 yrs of marriage...
Sad, for destroying my husband and family...
Sad, that my life has come down to this...
Discouraged, because I did not set out to ruin a marriage.
Discouraged, because I could not stop the freight train from coming head on...
Discouraged, because I am constantly letting people down...
Angry, at the brain tumors and brain trauma that caused this...
Angry, that I cannot control my thought patterns and emotions..
Angry, that I seem to hurt everyone I care about....
Strangely numb, in that I don't care if I live or die....
Its a weird feeling, I know I should be happy, this is what I wanted. Yet, feeling happy is not how I feel.
I feel sad, discouraged, angry, and strangely numb.
Sad, for destroying 34 yrs of marriage...
Sad, for destroying my husband and family...
Sad, that my life has come down to this...
Discouraged, because I did not set out to ruin a marriage.
Discouraged, because I could not stop the freight train from coming head on...
Discouraged, because I am constantly letting people down...
Angry, at the brain tumors and brain trauma that caused this...
Angry, that I cannot control my thought patterns and emotions..
Angry, that I seem to hurt everyone I care about....
Strangely numb, in that I don't care if I live or die....
Sunday, January 13, 2019
The Jump Rope
Once upon a time, a little girl was running from her dad, she knew she was in trouble, not sure what she did, but she feared for her life...she ran into the back yard, with dad close behind, she dodged behind the swing-set by the back chain link fence and her dad grabbed the swing and whirled it at her, striking her in the face (which ended up with stitches)...she started crying...her dad grabbed her and dragged her to the fence...along the way, he picked up a jump rope which had been laying on the ground...
he pushed her against the fence and tied her to it....then left her there....all alone, bleeding from her cheek....it started raining, it got dark, she wet her pants..
She doesn't remember being untied, she doesn't remember how long she was tied to the fence like a dog...
she doesn't remember even crying.......her friend took it all away.....
he pushed her against the fence and tied her to it....then left her there....all alone, bleeding from her cheek....it started raining, it got dark, she wet her pants..
She doesn't remember being untied, she doesn't remember how long she was tied to the fence like a dog...
she doesn't remember even crying.......her friend took it all away.....
Friday, January 11, 2019
Stupid fuck
I AM SO GODDAMN TIRED OF BEING SO STUPID....
This brain fuck has turned me into a fucking blooming idiot. I forget goddamn everything...the slightest incidences I burst into tears and cannot stop...
I AM AN EMOTIONAL DUMBFUCK FREAKING NIGHTMARE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
I need to be put down like a sick dog...because I am sick...sick in the head...
I HATE MYSELF, I AM A FREAK, I AM WORTHLESS, I AM EXHAUSTING TO MYSELF AND OTHERS...
I WANT TO BE ALONE, YET I AM SO SCARED OF BEING LONELY...
BUT I HATE WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO DEAL WITH, WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO BE MY FRIEND...
BECAUSE I WILL, IN TIME, FUCK UP EVERY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE....
I DESERVE TO BE BEAT, HUMILIATED AND HATED...
I DESERVE EVERY GODDAMN THING THAT HAPPENS TO ME.........................
This brain fuck has turned me into a fucking blooming idiot. I forget goddamn everything...the slightest incidences I burst into tears and cannot stop...
I AM AN EMOTIONAL DUMBFUCK FREAKING NIGHTMARE OF EPIC PROPORTIONS
I need to be put down like a sick dog...because I am sick...sick in the head...
I HATE MYSELF, I AM A FREAK, I AM WORTHLESS, I AM EXHAUSTING TO MYSELF AND OTHERS...
I WANT TO BE ALONE, YET I AM SO SCARED OF BEING LONELY...
BUT I HATE WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO DEAL WITH, WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO BE MY FRIEND...
BECAUSE I WILL, IN TIME, FUCK UP EVERY RELATIONSHIP I HAVE....
I DESERVE TO BE BEAT, HUMILIATED AND HATED...
I DESERVE EVERY GODDAMN THING THAT HAPPENS TO ME.........................
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
A Darker Night
A darker night,
what is that?
No lights, no stars,
an invisible cloud?
A moon hiding away,
behind sheets of grey?
A darker night,
what is that?
A black soul,
covering your eyes?
Blankets of fear,
shadowing the light?
A darker night,
what is that?.......
It's a heart turning off,
in the darkest of nights....
what is that?
No lights, no stars,
an invisible cloud?
A moon hiding away,
behind sheets of grey?
A darker night,
what is that?
A black soul,
covering your eyes?
Blankets of fear,
shadowing the light?
A darker night,
what is that?.......
It's a heart turning off,
in the darkest of nights....
Lesson Learned
So 2018 has taught me a very valuable lesson. In fact a couple of very valuable lessons.
First: NEVER say never. Never say "I would never do this or that, or I would never eat this, or say that.."
Life will change on a dime, when you least expect it, and your will be forever different, and you will eat your words...
Second: NEVER make plans, especially in your head for something that is not in plain sight or actually happening in the present...never plan for anything...just live in the moment and take each day, minute by minute as it evolves. If something nice and wonderful happens, great...if the day sucks or is random...then great...because you don't expect otherwise....
Third: It is never okay to speak what I am feeling. Especially for me...because my fuck brain confuses and exaggerates emotion to the point I am just fucking perceived as stupid and ridiculous...So, speaking on pen and paper or blog is one thing, but I have learned to never have conversation when my brain is working over time...I might as well shoot myself in the foot. Because every word out of my mouth is garbage.
Fourth: and last, never trust yourself. I can never trust my heart, my feelings, my anger, my love, my anything, because my fucking stupid ass brain is too messed up...it distorts reality...and is not trustworthy...
So, my New Years Resolution for 2019 is this: Only live in today and the moment and have no expectations whatsoever...whatever evolves in a day, is reality. The future is fiction.
First: NEVER say never. Never say "I would never do this or that, or I would never eat this, or say that.."
Life will change on a dime, when you least expect it, and your will be forever different, and you will eat your words...
Second: NEVER make plans, especially in your head for something that is not in plain sight or actually happening in the present...never plan for anything...just live in the moment and take each day, minute by minute as it evolves. If something nice and wonderful happens, great...if the day sucks or is random...then great...because you don't expect otherwise....
Third: It is never okay to speak what I am feeling. Especially for me...because my fuck brain confuses and exaggerates emotion to the point I am just fucking perceived as stupid and ridiculous...So, speaking on pen and paper or blog is one thing, but I have learned to never have conversation when my brain is working over time...I might as well shoot myself in the foot. Because every word out of my mouth is garbage.
Fourth: and last, never trust yourself. I can never trust my heart, my feelings, my anger, my love, my anything, because my fucking stupid ass brain is too messed up...it distorts reality...and is not trustworthy...
So, my New Years Resolution for 2019 is this: Only live in today and the moment and have no expectations whatsoever...whatever evolves in a day, is reality. The future is fiction.
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