I knew Christmas and the holiday season was gonna be a bitch for me...and it was...
The plans that I had in my head to help ease the days, fell through..and fell through with a fucking thud....
Everything got scrambled...all the sudden I was having to shop for Santa, for a 6 yr old kid, on christmas eve....then to make matters fucking worse, I had to wrap all the gifts...
I did not want to do this, but I did it...and it was a goddamn fucking nightmare...the whole time I was shopping for a friends kid, I was thinking about shopping for my own grand kids, that are the same age as this kid...Here I was out shopping and doing something for somebody else family, while I fucking walked out on and deserted my own family....
I am such a fucking traitor and stupid excuse for a grandma...when I was done doing the Santa shop...I came home...I don't have much memories of what happened next, but I know I walked a very fine line between life and death....
Then my friend comes over with their kid for Christmas day to play with the toys I got for them from Santa...that was cruel and unusual punishment...I tried so hard to have a happy face, but inside I died a little...
Seeing this kid play, laugh etc...was a fucking knife to my heart, being jabbed over and over and over.. This kid was a constant reminder all day of how I have failed my family, failed my own grandsons, failed in my life...I am a complete and utter fucking failure...what makes matters worse, this kids parent knew how hard this was for me, but insisted on forcing me to have a "Christmas" day...that was mean...and hurt me even more...
The guilt I feel, I should be executed...I am guilty of abandoning my family...I am guilty of being the sorriest excuse for a mom and grandma ever to walk this earth..I am a fucking horrible piece of shit woman..I deserve to die...I am a traitor.
You are not a traitor! You have to be happy first! All of your family loves you but they are mad. Eventually they will come around and if not hopefully in the future they will. Now saying that, your grandkids will love you forever. Since you aren’t buying gifts especially since you aren’t seeing them now how about writing a book for the grandkids. I would suggest doing this on your good days. Tell them how much you love them. Tell them what you are doing when you are going out. Obviously there are times in your life you don’t want to share certain things but you are a wonderful, kind lady who got a raw deal but you are doing the best you can with the hand you were dealt. I know how much you love the grandkids. That will never change. So just keep writing in this book (you are a very talented writer) and write some poems about them, share pics of you, your home, your fur babies. How about starting a small savings acct for them. Just put the money in an envelope for those important days in their lives. When they are older you can show them this book you have been writing in for many years and also give them the money saying everytime I thought of you especially on special days I didn’t want you to think they were not thought of or loved. I know they tumors make you angry. And I hate to say you just have to live with them. That sounds rude on my side but I don’t mean it to be. What I’m saying is sometimes we don’t get choices about how our lives will turn out. Trust me I had such a horrible childhood I didn’t even know if we would live to tell about it. So I have really gotten to know you the best this last 9 years. 2010, 30th reunion. I’m so glad we met. And don’t worry my brain doesn’t remember crap either so we are good there. Lol I have seen you happy, sad, mad, etc but reading your blogs now I truly feel you are happy to express the way you feel. There are going to be bad days just like the rest of us but I feel you are having more good days now. I actually think , actually I know, you are having more good days than me. I don’t even leave the house. So don’t be so hard on yourself. John knew for many years that you weren’t happy and I’m pretty sure your kids knew too. You did not do any of this too hurt them. You did this to survive! Your family needs to understand that. ❤️
ReplyDeletethank you so much for the encouragement..love you
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