a cold realization

So something dawned on me...a realization that hit me in the face like a blast of ice cold water...  I literally have nothing to live for.

I have raised my babies, they are all adults, with their own families..I was the dutiful wife for 34 yrs.  I did all the right things, I did everything expected of a woman..

Now, what?  Brain fuck, has killed that woman...I felt I had to get away, to be happy...I felt I needed to live my life now...I felt like I was gonna die if I stayed where I was, I was so fucking unhappy...But what is my life now?  NOTHING

So, I left my husband, my family, my home, my state, my dogs.  I went far away, to start over, to try and find happiness...

But there is no happiness...I have no goals, no friends, no hobby's, no purpose, I have nothing but one of my dogs and a new car.  I have only one friend, and that friend will walk away soon, as I will exhaust them and they will grow tired of my fucking brain shit as well...happiness is not in the cards for me, I was born unhappy...Have I ever been happy?  I don't think so...

I sit, day after day, alone...staring at the walls,  doing nothing, because I can't do anything..I can't get a job...I can't do volunteer work, not anymore, not with this stupid fuck brain that has ruined me.

The only future I had was maybe a book that I started with a friend, hoping that book might help other women in my shoes that have to deal with stupid fuck brains too..but that is no longer happening either...I mean, really, did I really think a book was gonna be anything productive?  It has turned into a huge burden for the friend who wanted to help write it....and I can't even help myself, much less anybody else..

I have nothing to contribute to society, there is nothing I can do to make the world better, nothing to make myself better...I am  offensive to most people...

So, I literally have nothing to live for...I just exist now...existing until my stupid fuck brain kills me...

The holiday season, thanksgiving, christmas, are stark reminders of the fucking non-life I have...

Really the only one thing I do have, is fuckability.   The ability to be fucked, used and abused...I am very good at that...but how does that help society?  I am a good slave,  I follow orders...but how does that help society?  I have a natural talent for being stupid, for trusting, when trust is not really a real thing...for being stupid enough to trust in anyone, much less myself...I fail...I try and make plans, to have some sort of future, but those plans never materialize, I am just left feeling hurt, betrayed and useless, unimportant...in the way...

Now I know, I am feeling sorry for myself, I know it was my decision to leave everything I have ever known, or use to know...I put myself in this situation...it is all my fault, I deserve to be fucking miserable...this is my penance for destroying everything and everyone around me...this is my HELL..

If I were a ship, I would be a destroyer...as I destroy everything.  I am cancer....