Shit Brain

I am pretty sure that I use to be very intelligent,  I am college educated and more...I am pretty sure that I could deduce reason and figure things out....I am pretty sure that I could "do the math"...I am pretty sure that I could debate a subject intelligently with solid facts....I am pretty sure I could remember facts, figures, and history...I am pretty sure that I could read an entire novel, then tell chapter and verse "everything" about the story...every detail...I am pretty sure that if I learned 2+2=4, I would remember that the next day....

I am sure of nothing now.....If I can't "taste, touch, see, hear or smell" something, I have a hard time believing...and remembering...

I don't believe in dinosaurs,
I don't believe in creation, biblical creation, the Bible
I don't believe in aliens from another planet, or UFO's
I don't believe that an actual absurd length, like 400,000,000 miles in space can be accurately measured.....
And is the world really round???

Here is the deal...I now have a SHIT BRAIN
my head cannot deal with detail or excessive information...

For example, I was told this, and I do have pictures, so it did happen..." I was at a confederate memorial historical place...the tour guide was talking, then she began to tell us "too much" information about the museum and history and all that...after awhile of trying to follow along and be attentive to her narrative, my mind shut off, and I simply walked away".  It appeared rude, to the onlooker, but I had no ideal I had just did that, my mind shut off and redirected my attention.  It is a defense mechanism that keeps me from having sensory overload that will lead to panic attacks....

I cannot go to movie theaters, the massive screen, the extremely loud volume, the mass of people...its sensory overload and brings on panic attacks..

So instead of "trying to understand" something I don't believe, trying to "study and analyze, reason, test, remember, and apply"  I simply cannot do, so it is easier in my head to just "not believe" unless I can "touch, see, smell, hear or taste", that is the only reality my mind can understand and be okay with...anything else, fucking screws me over....my head will literally turn the lights off and leave the room..even in the middle of a lecture...and I don't even know I am doing it....

This fucking upsets me so much, because to those around me who don't know "my head injury, tumors and trauma" I just come across as rude, uncaring, insensitive, unyielding, stubborn, or dismissive...which I never want to be intentionally....

And I am not a dumb, dingy blonde....or at least I didn't use to be...

But this SHIT BRAIN has made me just that, a dumb, dingy, stupid blonde....

If someone tries to convince me, say, the earth is round (just an example) and I try to listen to their arguments, I hear the passion in their voice, I see the  "look of shock and disbelief" in their eyes, I know they are thinking "what the fuck, really?  is she that stupid?" in their heads..and all those realizations start fucking with me and I fall into a weird state of depression and self harm mode..."Am I really as much of an idiot as they think???  I must be, fuck me..."...and then I fall...so again...I have to walk away, which is perceived as dismissive and rude on my part.."  I literally can't win for losing....

A SHIT BRAIN is just that.....shit.  What makes perfect sense and is logical to the normal person...may not be that way for me, not because I am stupid...brain shit, that happened beyond my control, has made me stupid...So now, I really am stupid...