Why?? If I could answer that question, then maybe I could stop...
When I am frustrated, angry, emotionally upset, extremely sad, depressed or lonely...I will hurt myself...why?? the pain takes my focus from the :frustrated, angry upset, sad: whatever mindset I am in, and I concentrate on the pain...The pain reminds me that I am "still" a person, I still can "feel"...when I bleed, I see the blood and it reminds me of "life" in my veins...a reminder that I am still alive...
I have not cut in a very long time, I have not burned myself, in a very long time...but I continuously bang my legs and arms against hard surfaces as hard as I can...leaving huge bruises and pain for the next couple of days...the pain reminds me to NOT hurt myself, because it fucking hurts!! But at the moment of striking myself, I feel no pain...it is after, that the pain starts....I don't even realize the extent of the damage I inflict on myself until the next day...I have cracked my forearms and wrists multiple times...
The emotions I feel, are normal emotions, normal people don't hurt themselves when they have "negative emotions"...but for me, those emotions are magnified 100 times...they are all consuming...not normal. When I was on all those fucking drugs, I did not harm myself, I did not have any emotion at all...I was a zombie...I could not feel happiness, I had no sexual desire, I felt numb....
Now, drug free, I feel everything...Manic like...although I have never been diagnosed Manic depressive, I do have the manic lows, which cause me to be suicidal or to self-harm...If a drug could be given to me that would stop the impulse to hurt myself, but yet let me feel everything, just feel it normally, I would take it in a heartbeat...There is no such drug...
My arms look terrible..I know they do, they hurt when I touch them, they are so tender...so I will wear long sleeves and hide them, which is what I do...I hide myself from the world.....
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