Insecurities

I don't understand why I am so fucking insecure in myself...
Is it because, as a child I was abused physically and emotionally?  Is it because I was always told "I was good for nothing", or "I wish you had never been born"...
Is it because I never seemed to "fit in" with any crowd or type of people?  
Is it because of my "shit brain"?  My, mind....

People have told me, I am beautiful or pretty, but when I look in the mirror I see a monster, a very ugly or plain woman...nothing special...I see a split mind....a decayed soul...and old woman....

I have failed at so many things I have tried...I have failed at motherhood, I failed as a wife, I failed as a christian, failed as a girlfriend, failed as a friend, failed at jobs, basically failed at life...

Now, because of all my failures and being ashamed of myself, I have ran away...ran away from my life...I am still running...I am running from my "shit brain"...but that brain is catching up with me, no matter how fast I run...My brain is erasing everything...maybe that is a good thing???

My "shit brain" will not accept love, attention, care, without doubt...Why?  why love me, why accept me, why care about me?  I am nothing...I am dying...

The only thing I am really secure with is the fact that I will die soon...then the feelings of insecurity will be gone and I can finally rest...

What is it like to be confident? Secure? happy? loved? safe?  I wish I knew.....I wish I could be normal...