anniversary

So in about three weeks, it will be my 35 yr wedding anniversary...
How do I feel about that?
On the one hand, that is alot of time spent with one person, a commitment that was not taken lightly.  I married my husband, because I knew he would be a good provider, an excellent father, faithful and he loved me.  I married my husband, because I did not want to move to Hawaii after college...(my family was there..and I had no home to go home to after graduation)  I married my husband because he was and is a good man....I am sure I loved him too...

But in those 35 yrs,  life happened...A life happening I did not expect, could not have predicted and still can't wrap my head around, really...Never in a million years would I have walked away from a good marriage....but I did....

Am I sad? no
Do I regret leaving? No
Am I sad that others were hurt by my decision?  Yes
Am I leary of my future?  Yes
Would I go back...?  No

I left, not because I was in a horrible situation...I left because I changed...I became a woman that John did not marry...my love and feelings for John left...he just became a roommate and friend.  He went one way with his life, and I went the other...pure and simple...

Would I do it all over again?  Wow...that is a loaded question...would I want to have a brain injury, develop brain cancer, loose my identity, loose my memories, loose Melissa??? No, of course not....but that is my reality...What if's, would you's, and hindsight is irrelevant to me...because I simply don't remember...

My brain has changed me, drastically...I am totally opposite to what and who Melissa was...Sparrow is the new me...She is free, she can speak, think and act, anyway she pleases...she is not the hypocrite Melissa was...She does not play act a role, like Melissa did...She lives her life now, on life terms, her terms...and she is okay with that....Sparrow is trying to live in the face of death....Whereas, Melissa was just existing in the face of death....

So back to the wedding anniversary.....I am proud to have been married to John...We have three beautiful wonderful kids, we have four awesome grandsons...Our kids are healthy and thriving, we did that one thing right...together...

The kids are gone, there is nothing keeping us together anymore...No love from me, no feelings one way or the other for John...I like him...I respect him as a man...but we cannot be together  anymore... It is not fair to him to have to deal with a new "woman" in an old familiar womans body...It is too confusing for him, and for my entire family....It is confusing to me....

That is why I left...out of sight, out of mind??  I do not know my future, I do not know even the day after tomorrow...all I do know is that today, I am going to be Sparrow...