Again

One of these days,
I will learn to breathe, again.

One of these days,
I will learn to smile, again.

One of these days,
I will learn to live, again.

One of these days,
I will remember everything..

And the nightmare, will begin,
again.....

Blame

I want to take you down,
cause I'm so afraid of up..
I heard it's like paradise,
but not so fucking nice..

And I want to make you mine,
but I feel I'm outta time.
Nothing stays the same,
It's a goddamn tricky game..

I bet it must be nice,
but the lie, is just advice..
It's never quite the same,
Only me, whose left to blame...

Shit Brain

I am pretty sure that I use to be very intelligent,  I am college educated and more...I am pretty sure that I could deduce reason and figure things out....I am pretty sure that I could "do the math"...I am pretty sure that I could debate a subject intelligently with solid facts....I am pretty sure I could remember facts, figures, and history...I am pretty sure that I could read an entire novel, then tell chapter and verse "everything" about the story...every detail...I am pretty sure that if I learned 2+2=4, I would remember that the next day....

I am sure of nothing now.....If I can't "taste, touch, see, hear or smell" something, I have a hard time believing...and remembering...

I don't believe in dinosaurs,
I don't believe in creation, biblical creation, the Bible
I don't believe in aliens from another planet, or UFO's
I don't believe that an actual absurd length, like 400,000,000 miles in space can be accurately measured.....
And is the world really round???

Here is the deal...I now have a SHIT BRAIN
my head cannot deal with detail or excessive information...

For example, I was told this, and I do have pictures, so it did happen..." I was at a confederate memorial historical place...the tour guide was talking, then she began to tell us "too much" information about the museum and history and all that...after awhile of trying to follow along and be attentive to her narrative, my mind shut off, and I simply walked away".  It appeared rude, to the onlooker, but I had no ideal I had just did that, my mind shut off and redirected my attention.  It is a defense mechanism that keeps me from having sensory overload that will lead to panic attacks....

I cannot go to movie theaters, the massive screen, the extremely loud volume, the mass of people...its sensory overload and brings on panic attacks..

So instead of "trying to understand" something I don't believe, trying to "study and analyze, reason, test, remember, and apply"  I simply cannot do, so it is easier in my head to just "not believe" unless I can "touch, see, smell, hear or taste", that is the only reality my mind can understand and be okay with...anything else, fucking screws me over....my head will literally turn the lights off and leave the room..even in the middle of a lecture...and I don't even know I am doing it....

This fucking upsets me so much, because to those around me who don't know "my head injury, tumors and trauma" I just come across as rude, uncaring, insensitive, unyielding, stubborn, or dismissive...which I never want to be intentionally....

And I am not a dumb, dingy blonde....or at least I didn't use to be...

But this SHIT BRAIN has made me just that, a dumb, dingy, stupid blonde....

If someone tries to convince me, say, the earth is round (just an example) and I try to listen to their arguments, I hear the passion in their voice, I see the  "look of shock and disbelief" in their eyes, I know they are thinking "what the fuck, really?  is she that stupid?" in their heads..and all those realizations start fucking with me and I fall into a weird state of depression and self harm mode..."Am I really as much of an idiot as they think???  I must be, fuck me..."...and then I fall...so again...I have to walk away, which is perceived as dismissive and rude on my part.."  I literally can't win for losing....

A SHIT BRAIN is just that.....shit.  What makes perfect sense and is logical to the normal person...may not be that way for me, not because I am stupid...brain shit, that happened beyond my control, has made me stupid...So now, I really am stupid...

anniversary

So in about three weeks, it will be my 35 yr wedding anniversary...
How do I feel about that?
On the one hand, that is alot of time spent with one person, a commitment that was not taken lightly.  I married my husband, because I knew he would be a good provider, an excellent father, faithful and he loved me.  I married my husband, because I did not want to move to Hawaii after college...(my family was there..and I had no home to go home to after graduation)  I married my husband because he was and is a good man....I am sure I loved him too...

But in those 35 yrs,  life happened...A life happening I did not expect, could not have predicted and still can't wrap my head around, really...Never in a million years would I have walked away from a good marriage....but I did....

Am I sad? no
Do I regret leaving? No
Am I sad that others were hurt by my decision?  Yes
Am I leary of my future?  Yes
Would I go back...?  No

I left, not because I was in a horrible situation...I left because I changed...I became a woman that John did not marry...my love and feelings for John left...he just became a roommate and friend.  He went one way with his life, and I went the other...pure and simple...

Would I do it all over again?  Wow...that is a loaded question...would I want to have a brain injury, develop brain cancer, loose my identity, loose my memories, loose Melissa??? No, of course not....but that is my reality...What if's, would you's, and hindsight is irrelevant to me...because I simply don't remember...

My brain has changed me, drastically...I am totally opposite to what and who Melissa was...Sparrow is the new me...She is free, she can speak, think and act, anyway she pleases...she is not the hypocrite Melissa was...She does not play act a role, like Melissa did...She lives her life now, on life terms, her terms...and she is okay with that....Sparrow is trying to live in the face of death....Whereas, Melissa was just existing in the face of death....

So back to the wedding anniversary.....I am proud to have been married to John...We have three beautiful wonderful kids, we have four awesome grandsons...Our kids are healthy and thriving, we did that one thing right...together...

The kids are gone, there is nothing keeping us together anymore...No love from me, no feelings one way or the other for John...I like him...I respect him as a man...but we cannot be together  anymore... It is not fair to him to have to deal with a new "woman" in an old familiar womans body...It is too confusing for him, and for my entire family....It is confusing to me....

That is why I left...out of sight, out of mind??  I do not know my future, I do not know even the day after tomorrow...all I do know is that today, I am going to be Sparrow...

Insecurities

I don't understand why I am so fucking insecure in myself...
Is it because, as a child I was abused physically and emotionally?  Is it because I was always told "I was good for nothing", or "I wish you had never been born"...
Is it because I never seemed to "fit in" with any crowd or type of people?  
Is it because of my "shit brain"?  My, mind....

People have told me, I am beautiful or pretty, but when I look in the mirror I see a monster, a very ugly or plain woman...nothing special...I see a split mind....a decayed soul...and old woman....

I have failed at so many things I have tried...I have failed at motherhood, I failed as a wife, I failed as a christian, failed as a girlfriend, failed as a friend, failed at jobs, basically failed at life...

Now, because of all my failures and being ashamed of myself, I have ran away...ran away from my life...I am still running...I am running from my "shit brain"...but that brain is catching up with me, no matter how fast I run...My brain is erasing everything...maybe that is a good thing???

My "shit brain" will not accept love, attention, care, without doubt...Why?  why love me, why accept me, why care about me?  I am nothing...I am dying...

The only thing I am really secure with is the fact that I will die soon...then the feelings of insecurity will be gone and I can finally rest...

What is it like to be confident? Secure? happy? loved? safe?  I wish I knew.....I wish I could be normal...

Self Harm

as long as I can remember, I have harmed myself...I have cut myself, burned myself, hit myself, sewed my fingers together, starved myself...you name it and I have probably either done or tried it....

Why??  If I could answer that question, then maybe I could stop...

When I am frustrated, angry, emotionally upset, extremely sad, depressed or lonely...I will hurt myself...why?? the pain takes my focus from the :frustrated, angry upset, sad:  whatever mindset I am in, and I concentrate on the pain...The pain reminds me that I am "still" a person, I still can "feel"...when I bleed, I see the blood and it reminds me of "life" in my veins...a reminder that I am still alive...

I have not cut in a very long time, I have not burned myself, in a very long time...but I continuously bang my legs and arms against hard surfaces as hard as I can...leaving huge bruises and pain for the next couple of days...the pain reminds me to NOT hurt myself, because it fucking hurts!!  But at the moment of striking myself, I feel no pain...it is after, that the pain starts....I don't even realize the extent of the damage I inflict on myself until the next day...I have cracked my forearms and wrists multiple times...

The emotions I feel, are normal emotions,  normal people don't hurt themselves when they have "negative emotions"...but for me, those emotions are magnified 100 times...they are all consuming...not normal.  When I was on all those fucking drugs, I did not harm myself, I did not have any emotion at all...I was a zombie...I could not feel happiness, I had no sexual desire, I felt numb....

Now,  drug free, I feel everything...Manic like...although I have never been diagnosed Manic depressive, I do have the manic lows, which cause me to be suicidal or to self-harm...If a drug could be given to me that would stop the impulse to hurt myself, but yet let me feel everything, just feel it normally, I would take it in a heartbeat...There is no such drug...

My arms look terrible..I know they do, they hurt when I touch them, they are so tender...so I will wear long sleeves and hide them, which is what I do...I hide myself from the world.....

confusion sets in...

Part of this brain fuck I have, is confusion...

Everyone gets confused at times, but they figure out whatever they are confused about, and go on...
ME???  I get confused, then my mind panics, every light gets too bright, every sound gets too loud,  I can't think straight...I panic....

This happens all the time....ALL THE GODDAMN FUCKING TIME

Do you know how frustrating this is?  Imagine living a fucking confused nightmare...even the simpliest of things can confuse and frustrate the fuck out of me....

Because I have no sense of direction...I get lost easily...that is confusing and frustrating..so I tatted left and right on my hands...

Driving, I use a WAZE app to get me around...that helps....I could not drive anywhere without the app...that helps...

But inside a Mall or huge building, the WAZE app does not work,  left and right does not work...it is like I am in cornfield maze...all the stores look alike, all the rooms look alike...nothing looks familiar...I get turned around, and end up walking in fucking circles...DO YOU KNOW HOW MADDENING THAT IS!!!!

The noise and lighting in buildings fuck with my head..they seem magnified a thousand times...the crowds of people become suffocating to me...confusion sets in....

I try to laugh it off, poke fun at myself...but inside I just want to curl up and cry...curl up and die...
I am becoming such a burden for myself and others...such a headache...I hate being NEEDY...I HATE MY FUCK BRAIN....